


You're not my first, but I want you to be my last and my everything

by Clavillesen



Category: Holby City
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-03
Updated: 2020-09-09
Packaged: 2021-03-06 01:27:10
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 40
Words: 54,019
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25694998
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Clavillesen/pseuds/Clavillesen
Summary: Bernie arrives at Uni
Relationships: Alex Dawson/Bernie Wolfe, Serena Campbell/Bernie Wolfe
Comments: 126
Kudos: 146





	1. New beginning

**Author's Note:**

> I asked a friend for an idea for a Berena AU and she wished for a university AU.
> 
> I made a shout out to find out if there is an official day of birth for Bernie. I've used hours on the internet to find out myself, but I found nothing. I got different birthdays from helpful fans, but they couldn't prove it with a photo, link or an episode, where the birth date is mentioned. The day of birth for Serena I've found, but I don't want to make up a false date for Bernie. That's why I've decided to use the day of birth for Jemma and Catherine in this AU
> 
> The story title is inspired by Barry Whites "You're my first, my last, my everything"

It's the year 1984. The calendar says it's the end of the summer holidays, but it's a very hot day. Bernie stands in front of the university. The place, where she will live now. It's a new chapter in her young life. She's 19 and ready to begin her study in medicine. The last conversation from earlier this morning, with her parents still echoing in her head.  
“Make us proud.” Her father had said and given her an awkward hug. He usually never give hugs.  
“Yes, Berenice. Study hard. I'm sure you'll soon find a boyfriend too.” Her mother had continued with a smile and patted her on the arm. Bernie had nodded to acknowledge her mothers wish for her to find a boyfriend. Bernie knows, that she'll never find a boyfriend like the one her mother wants her to find. Bernie have had boys as friends but never in a romantic way. She already knows, that she will never get married to a man. She loves women. Her parents don't know and she knows, that they will never accept, that their only child is a lesbian. Her father is a major in the army and he's a big homophobe. Gays aren't allowed in the army and her father hate gays. Every time he sees something in the paper or in the news on TV with gays, he begins to lecture about how unnatural it is. More than once, he has told Bernie, that she won't be his daugther anymore if she chooses to be gay. He's so oldfashioned, that he means that being gay is a disease, you can be healed from. And that being gay is a modern choice you make, only to provoke and dishonour your family.  
Bernie has had girlfriends. Katie was her latest. She had ended it, because Bernie didn't showed any affection to her in public or together with their friends. She had said to Bernie, that she's so deep in the closet, that she has an extra closet inside the closet, where she hides. It had hurt like hell, but Bernie was so afraid to come out, beause of what her father had said.

Bernie don't have many belongings. Her travel backpack, a small suitcase and a small box is all she has. The backside of being an army brat. She had never lived long at the same place, because of her father. When he gets transferred, the whole family moves with him. The last three years, has been the longest, that she had stayed in the same town. She had lived a year with her maternal grandmother before her father got transferred to the army base in the same town. She then moved in on the base with her parents. 

She finds the registration office and gets the key to her room. The room, where she will live the next year. It's silent in the corridor, when she finds her room. She hadn't expected anything else, because many of the other students, won't arrive until the end of the week. She's lucky to get a single room, because she's arriving so early. Her father is getting tranferred again and instead of staying one week at her parents new address, she called the university to ask if she could come a week early, because of her fathers transfer. The secretary told her, it was fine. She wasn't the only student, who needed their room a little bit earlier. They where used to having students moving in a week or two before the beginning of a new term. In fact there would already be around 25 students, when Bernie arrives.  
Bernie loves the room immediately. There is a comfy sofa bed, some bookshelves, a dresser and a small closet. The room has two windows. In front of one of the windows stands a table and a chair. The second window is the best one. It has a wide windowsill. It's big enough for her to sit on. With a few pillows it will be a comfortable place for her to read books. She has always wanted to have a windowsill like that, but none of the dusin houses, that she has lived in have had one. She once told her mother, that she wished, that she had a windowsill she could sit on, while reading. Her mother was appalled by her daughters wish.  
“That's very uncivil. We'll never talk about this again.” Her mother had said to her and Bernie was clever enough not to mention it again, but she kept on dreaming.  
Bernie had always been a bit of a dreamer. In her dreams, she could live the life, she wished for. She could dream of a world with her parents being more loving, accepting that their daughter loves women. She could dream of having more friends. Growing up with a father in the army, who gets replaced almost once or twice in two years, makes it hard to find friends. No one wants to become friends with a new girl, when they know, that she'll soon move away again. That's one of the reasons, that Bernie had been alone a lot in her childhood. Her fantasyworld of dreams had helped her not to feel alone. Of course she found a friend or two in every new school, but she was never part of the bigger groups in school. Her friends was often someone else, who needed a friend, because they were alone. Bernie had never had a best friend. Some one she could trust 100 percent. She haven't trusted her girlfriends either. She began to go out with girls, because she was curious and wanted to learn how to kiss. Lara had showed her how to kiss. She had said, that boys wanted girls, who know how to kiss and they had practiced with each other. The difference was, that Lara was only practicing for the boys. Bernie fell in love with Lara. She enjoyed their making out sessions too much. She needed to find out, if it was a difference between kissing a boy and other girls, who wasn't Lara. At a party at Laras house she kissed Owen. It wasn't bad, but it wasn't as good as kissing Lara. When she kissed Lara, she could feel it in her stomach.  
When she was 16 years old, she had met Patricia at summercamp. They were both seniors and it was their job to take care of the smaller girls. She and Patricia had shared a hut. One evening Patricia crawled into Bernies bed. She gave Bernie a shy kiss. When Bernie kissed her back, she told Bernie, that she had fallen in love with her. Bernie didn't have the same feelings for Patricia, but she was too curious to let out the opportunity to try to kiss another girl. They ended up having sex a couple of times, before they went home from summercamp. They both knew that, they would never see each other again. Patricia was a year older than Bernie and she had had sex with a girl before and Bernie learned a lot from her.

After that summercamp, she moved in at her Nans, her maternal grandmother. She was totally different from Bernies mother. Bernie had often wondered if her mother was adopted, because she couldn't understand how her loving Nan could have such a boring and tight-assed daughter. Bernie doesn't remember her grandfather, but her Nan says he was exactly like herself. That he was her soulmate. Her Nan is a voluminous woman with a big heart. She gives the best hugs in the world. Nan is the only one beside Bernies previous girlfriends who knows, that she's a lesbian. Nan had caught her and Megan kissing. Bernie was so afraid, that her Nan would tell her parents about it. Her Nan had calmed her down and promised not to tell anything.  
“Dear child, it's your life. I don't want to ruin your happiness. I'm not tight-assed and oldfashoned like your parents. I love you just the way you are. If you love a girl, I'll support you. I hope you'll find the right one for you. A soulmate, just like I had with your granddad. It doesn't matter if it's a boy or a girl. I just want you to be happy.” Her Nan told her while giving Bernie one of her loving hugs. Bernie had cried long and hard. Her Nan had just held her and talked calmly to her and assured her, that she could always live with her, if she decides to tell her parents.  
“I can never tell them, Nan.” Bernie had answered. They never talked about it again. Nan accepted her girlfriends and never batted an eyelid, when Bernie brought a new one home with her. The year Bernie lived with her Nan, was the best year, she had ever had. Now she wishes, that studying at the university is going to be a new chapter for her. A new life, where she can be herself.

Bernie sits on the windowsill and watches people outside. Her room is on the second floor, so she has a good view. It's friday and she has lived on campus for five days. Suddenly Bernies sees a brunette crossing the lawn. She's beautiful with her long wavy chestnut hair. Her body has curves just on the right places. Bernie almost begin to drool. Then she sees the young man helping the brunette with her belongings. Behind them is an older couple. It must be her parents. Bernie is sure, that the young man is the brunettes boyfriend. The way she demands his help and the way she acts can only be okay, if they're a couple. They all disappear into the building across of where Bernie sits. An hour later the boyfriend and the parents leave.


	2. New acquaintances

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Serena arrives at the university and they met for the first time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for the comments and kudos

Serena is fuming mad. Her parents had insisted on bringing her ex boyfriend Andrew, to help her moving in on campus. Her mother won't accept, that she has broken up with Andrew months ago. She's sure, that he's the perfect son in law. Serena had only accepted to go on a date with him, because her mother kept on setting them up by 'coincidence'. She didn't love him and was only using him for her own benefit. At first she wasn't interested in being his girlfriend. In the end she played along with her mothers wish for a perfect son in law and lets him be her boyfriend. He's good enough as a friend, but not boyfriend material. Serena has been sexual active since she was 15 years old and she knows what she wants. If her partner can't satisfy her in bed, she tosses them out, without giving them a second chance - until Andrew. She had found out, that he was a virgin and made it her task to teach him, how to satisfy a woman. Having sex with him soon became boring. Andrew isn't as adventurous as Serena in bed. She often had to finish herself after he had cum. That was the end of their relationship. Now Serena is looking forward to new experiences both in bed and in class. Her dream is to become a surgeon. Not a GP as her mother suggests, claiming that, that way she can work reasonable hours and be a dutiful and loving housewife too. That's never going to happen. Serena has her whole life ahead of her and she wants the best of it. She wants to live her own life and not the one, that her mother wants her to live. When she's going to settle down, it will be with a partner, who knows and fights for what they want and lets her have her career.  
Serena loves her single room. She uses the rest of the afternoon to unpack and organize the room to her own satisfaction. She needs to go shopping tomorrow. She wants to buy some pillows and a throw for her broad windowsill. It's going to be the perfect place for her to relax. 

It's early in the morning and Serena is enjoying her first cup of coffee for the day. Strong and hot is all she cares about. She's normally not an early riser, but she wants to do her shopping before too many people gets to the store. She needs to go grocery shopping too. It's allowed to have a kettle in the room to make coffee and tea. If she wants to cook, she has to use the shared kitchen in the end of the hall. She's happy, that her room has a fridge too. She's not keen on the idea of sharing a fridge with 7 other students and she doesn't need to go to the kitchen to make a salad or a sandwich.  
She sits on the windowsill and observes people in front of her building. New students are arriving with or without company. Suddenly she sees a tall, leggy blonde running across the lawn. She stops 10 meters in front of Serenas window. She pulls her headband out and shakes her sweaty and curly hair and begins to stretch out. Serena realizes, that she finds the messy mop of hair quite sexy. The blonde has legs for days and a nice tight backside.  
When she has finished her coffee, the blonde is gone. She entered the building across of where Serena lives.

Serena takes a shower and gets ready for her day of shopping. She doesn't have much money, but her father had given her £100 without her mothers knowledge.   
“Buy something for yourself, my darling girl.” He had said. “Don't tell your mum.” Serena has always been daddys girl. They have their small secrets, that her mother know nothing about.  
She buys three large pillows and a soft winered throw. She realizes, that she needs to go back before she can go grocery shopping. Quickly she gets her purchases back to her room.   
She uses almost an hour in the grocery store. She wants to live healthy, but cheap. It's important for her to have enough money to buy a couple of bottles of Shiraz too. She's on her way to the till, when she sees the blonde in one of the rows.  
“That doesn't look healthy. You can't live by eating only instant noodles.” She greets.  
“Ehm...I...I...I don't...yes..no... I don't know. I'm not a good cook. Matter of fact. I can't cook at all. At home I have bread and cereal too. Sorry.” Bernie stutters shy and blushes.  
“Don't be. I saw you working out this morning. How can you be so energetic so early?” She continues.  
“I don't know. I've always been an early riser. The side effect of being an Army brat.” Bernie shrugs her shoulders.  
“I need my beautysleep. I hate to get out of bed early. I know, that I sometimes need to get up early as a future surgeon.” Serena says.  
“Oh. I'm going to study medicine too.” Bernie answers  
“A fellow medic. Sorry. I haven't introduced myself. I'm Serena McKinnie from Holby.” She reaches out her hand for Bernie to shake.  
“Hi. I'm Bernie Wolfe. I'm from all over the world, but the last three years I've lived in Holby too. The first year at my Nans and then almost two years at the military base. Funny, that we haven't met before.” Bernie takes Serenas hand. Silently cursing, that she tells the brunette so much about herself.  
“You haven't met me in Holby, because when I turned 13, I went to boarding school. St. Winifreds.” Serena realizes, that she's still holding Bernies hand and lets go of it.  
They get to the till and pays for their groceries. They walk back to campus together, chatting and they're soon in front of Serenas building.  
“This is me then. Do you want a cup of coffee or tea? You can get your groceries to your room and then come back to mine.” Serena smiles.  
“I'd love that.” Bernie smiles back.  
“Okay. It's on the second floor, red hall, door 3.” She informs.  
“Okay. I'll be there in ten.” Bernie answers and walks to her own building.  
Serena hurries up the stairs. As soon as she's back in her room, she flicks the kettle on and tidies up a little.

Ten minutes later, she hears a knock on her door. She takes a quick look in the mirror and opens the door for Bernie.  
“Hey you. Come in” She greets.  
“Hi.” Bernie mumbles and enters the room.  
“Please sit down.” Serena points at the sofabed. Thankful, that she had the time to clean away her duvet and turn it into a sofa. “ Coffee or tea?”  
“Coffee please.” Bernie answers and sits down on the sofa.   
“We have to take the coffee black. I forgot to buy milk and sugar.” Serena apologizes, when she hands Bernie a cup.  
“It's allright. I prefer my coffee that way.” She informs.  
“Strong and hot is all I care about.” Serena confirms and Bernie nods.  
They sit in silence for a few minutes, just enjoying their coffee and the presence of each other.  
“What was is like?” Bernie finally asks.  
“What?” Serena looks confused at her.  
“Bording school. Why did you went there in the first place?” She continues.  
“I was bored in school and turned into a brat. I didn't do my homework and I stayed out longer than I was allowed. I think my parents meant it to be a punishment to send me to bording school, but I quite injoyed it. The learning level was much higher and I had to concentrate and work hard to get better grades. I even ended up as head girl.” She explains with pride.  
“Wow. I've always wondered how it would be. My parents found it too expensive to send me to a bording school. I once asked if I could go. Just to have a better chance to get some friends. With a father working in the army, you move around a lot and it was difficult for me to get friends.” Bernie nearly whispers at the end. Serena lays a comforting hand on her arm and caresses it with her thumb. Bernie doesn't know how to react. She likes the touch, but she can't let herself fall in love with Serena. She has a boyfriend. She saw him yesterday herself. Bernie suddenly rises from the sofa.  
“Thank you for the coffee. I need to go now. See you.” She says in a staccato voice and she's gone. Leaving Serena sitting alone wondering, what she did wrong.


	3. New books

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for the comments and kudos

Bernie runs back to her room. Cursing in her head. She slams the door behind her and throws herself on the bed and hides her face in a pillow.  
“Stupid, stupid, stupid.” She repeats over and over again. Letting her tears run free. She can't fall in love with Serena, but she knows, that it's already too late. Serena has a boyfriend, she would never be interested in being more than friends with Bernie. She have to forget her feelings for Serena. Friends is all they'll ever going to be. The crying has exhausted her and she falls asleep, dreaming about Serena and a world where they can be a couple.

She wakes up around supper time with a growling stomach. It suddenly appears to her, that she haven't eaten anything today. She was about to get breakfast, when she saw Serena come back with her pillows and then she went out again shortly after and Bernie followed after her to the grocery store. She wanted them to meet by coincidence. They did and Bernie had made a fool of herself by only buying instant noodles. She already has enough of that in her cupboard, but she had to buy something. She turns the kettle on. She has to eat those noodles anyway, even when Serena had told her, that they aren't healthy if you only eat noodles. Her mind keeps on turning back to think about Serena. She repeats pieces of their convasation in her head. Why had she told Serena so much about herself. She never do that to someone, that she has just met. It was so natural and easy to talk to Serena. She had never experienced that before. They had talked like they had known each other their whole life. Bernie shakes her head to forget Serena. She eats her noodles and sits down in her windowsill. She can see Serenas windows from here. She observes Serena pottering around in her room. She has to admit it. She has fallen hard. She had never felt so much in love before, after knowing a girl so shortly. If she's honest, then she had never been so much in love in any girl. Bernie shakes her head again.  
“Forget it Bernie. She's out of your league.” She mutters to herself. Promising only to devour in her feelings for Serena, when she's alone in her room.

It's getting dark. Bernie hasn't turned on the light. She was to comfortable in her sanctuary on the windowsill. She had found a bargain in a second hand shop outside campus. A small matress that fitted perfectly in the windowsill and some pillows to have behind her back. Serena has turned her light on and Bernie can see, that she's wearing a silky robe with big roses on. She suddenly takes off the robe and Bernie can't believe her luck. She's so beautiful, standing there in her underwear. Her body is oozing of sensuality. She has exactly the figure Bernies dreamgirl would have. All the right shapes. Bernie realizes her mouth is open and closes it, but she can't stop looking at Serena. How she takes off her bra and puts on a nightgown. Serena turns off the light and the show is over for Bernie. She decides to go to bed herself. She soon realizes the effect of watching Serena undress, had had on her. Her briefs are damp. Everytime she thinks back on, what she just saw, she can feel it. She needs release. She crawls into bed naked. She spreds her legs and begins to stroke her lips. Not touching her clit yet. She wants to relish in her dream about Serena, before she'll allow herself to get a release. She knows that her clit only needs a couple of strokes before she'll cum. She closes her eyes and pretends that her own fingers is Serenas. Her pace gets more and more frantic. She inserts two fingers from her other hand into her warm, wet core and cums hard, while biting a pillow, not to scream out loud. Her finger won't stop, what they're doing and she soon cums once more. That's a first for her. She had never cum twice before, not with a girlfriend or when she had mastubated. She had tried to achieve a second orgasm, by more than one occassion, but had never succeeded until now. She tucks the duvet over her sated body and falls asleep.

Bernies wakes early in the morning. Nothing unusual about that, but it's a long time since she had slept so well. She jumps out of bed and puts on her running gear. She needs to exercise. Work off some of her energy. The release last night was bittersweet now. She can't keep on dreaming of Serena. She has to forget her feelings for her. They can only be friends – nothing else. Bernie ends up running almost 10 miles before she has run her frustrations out of her body. Her body aches all over. She stretches out and eats breakfast. It's sunday and she needs a purpose for today. She begins to clean her room. She hates cleaning, but it helps her to stop thinking the thoughts she won't allow herself to think anymore. At noon she has nothing more to clean. She has even done her laundry. The laundry room in the building is in the cellar. At first she had found it a little scary to be there alone, but soon she found out, that the room has its qualities. There's a big bookcase down there. You can leave books, that you don't want anymore and it's free for anyone to take the books they want with them. Bernie finds a copy of Patricia Highsmiths “The price of salt”. One of her former girlfriends had talked a lot about this book. Bernie haven't had the chance to read it yet. She was very careful not to have anything at her parents house, that could indicate her true nature. She finds some other interesting books with lesbian characters and some magazines. She puts it all at the bottom of her laundry basket and hides it with her clean laundry. There's no reason to show everybody, that she's a lesbian. The word can still reach her parents.

Back in her room she throws the laundry on her bed and pick up her treasures. She puts the magazines under her bed. The books gets a place on her bookshelf, but with their back against the wall. She can't be too cautious. She makes herself a sandwich and takes the copy of “The price of salt” with her to the windowsill. She's soon miles away. Swallowed up by the love story between Therese and Carol. She finally looks up from the book for the first time several hours later. She looks at her watch and it's almost 9 o'clock. She really doesn't want to stop reading, but her stomach has other ideas. It grumbles loud, demanding to get some food. She flicks the kettle on with enough water to get a cup of tea and a bowl of instant noodles. While eating, Bernie wonders how tomorrow is going to be. It'll be their first day of the term. How many classes will she get together with Serena. Will it be great to be spending all day together with her or would it be too painful? Will it be too dificult for Bernie to hide her feelings? She suddenly dreads the next day.  
“Come on you coward. You're about to begin your dream study.” She cheers up herself and finishes her eating. She puts the bowl and her fork in the sink and moves back to her windowsill and her book. Instead of reading, she ponders about Serena. She really has to hide her feelings. Nobody must know about her feelings. The light gets turned on in Serenas room. Bernie wonders, what she has been doing all day. She's wearing the beautiful robe again. Today her hear is hidden under a towel. Apparently Serena has been taking a shower. It suddenly appears to Bernie, that if they lived in the same building and on the same floor, they could be taking their showers together. No rooms had a shower included. There's only a small sink and a toilet. Bernie calls it 'the toilet cupboard', because the way it's made, it looks like the contractor had put up two extra walls in a cornor of the room, just with enough space to install a toilet. You basically have to enter the room backwards if you wants to use the toilet.  
Tonight Serena undresses again before turning off the big lights. She has a small lamp turned on somewhere in her room, because it's not totally dark in her room. Bernie feels the effect of seeing Serena almost naked again. She presses her legs together to surpress the reaction. It's not working. She sighs and decides to go to bed too. She promises herself not to mastubate tonight. It'll only make it harder for her to forget her feelings about Serena. She tosses and turns for hours before she finally falls asleep.


	4. New schedules

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for your comments and kudos.

She really needs to buy some curtains today. Bernies wakes up, when the morning sunbeams hit her face. A few seconds later, she realizes, that she has been mastubating in her sleep. She has a hand in her knickers. They have a big wet patch in the front. Her fingers are circling her clit. She hates herself right now. Ashamed to be precise. Her brain tells her to stop, but her fingers carries on. In the end she decides to indulge in the feeling of her orgasm building up. She closes her eyes and thinks of Serena. Her naked body in Bernies bed. Her fingers and tongue working to let Bernie cum. Her lips kissing and sucking her nipples and then her wet core and clit. Her hands touching and nibbing all over Bernies body. Feeling her skin against her own. Bernie enters first two, then three fingers in her hot core, with her thump on her clit. It only takes a couple of minutes and Bernies screams out her orgasm in her pillow. She stays in bed until her breathing is back to normal. She puts on her jogging bottoms and a t-shirt, grabs her towel and toiletries and goes down to the showers in the opposite end of the hall from the kitchen. She's the only one in there. She takes a long shower. Trying to wash off her shame.

Bernie is one of the first in the auditorium, where the introduction for the medicine students is going to be. She takes a seat in the middle. Not too far in the front to seem too eager and not too far behind to seem uninterested. She looks in her backpack to find a notebook and a pen. She feels a presence beside her. A hand touches her shoulder.  
“Is this seat taken.” She hears Serenas chipper voice.  
“No.” She mumbles back.  
“You've choosen the strategic seat, I see.” Serena continues.  
“Guilty.” Bernie turns around to face Serena. She so beautiful. Today she wears a bit more make up than saturday. Her lips are painted red and Bernie gets the urge to kiss them. Luckily she has enough restraint to not doing so.  
Soon the auditorium is filled with students, radiant with expectations to their study years and future career.  
A man in his 50's enters in front of them.  
“Hello and welcome everyone. I'm professor Hackwood. I've heard all the jokes done about my name, so you don't have to try to come up with new ones. I'll be your teacher in genenal medicine. You'll meet the other teachers over the next couple of days. Today I'll introduce you to the facillities here. There will be no normal teaching, so you can pack your notebooks and pencils away again. It's a pleasure to see so many eager students though.” He says. A younger woman enters the room and stands beside him.  
“This is Ms. York. She's my PA. She'll introduce you to the library and other things. I want the first seven rows to follow me. The rest stays here with Ms. York.” He continues, then leaves the room expecting the students to follow him. Serena and Bernie belongs to the group staying with Ms. York.  
“I think they are an item.” Serena whispers to Bernie and giggles.  
“Stop it.” Bernie whispers back, while trying to stay serious, but she can't keep a smile back and winks at Serena to indicate, that she was thinking the same as her.  
“Okay. I'm Gina. I don't care if you call me Gina or Ms. York. I'm not that oldfashioned as some of my colleagues. If you'll please follow me.” She says and leaves the room. She shows them the library and how to purchase books etc. She tells them about the section of the library, where you have to stay, if you need to use the books and other things. At the end of the tour they meet the other group and the professor and his PA switch groups.  
Professor Hackwood shows them the surgical laboratorium and other facilities, where they soon will begin to train their skills.  
When they're all back in the auditorium Professor Hackwood dismisses them and they're free the rest of the day.  
“Do you have any plans for the rest of the day?” Serena asks Bernie.  
“Yes.” She answers.  
“Oh.” Bernie can see Serenas disappointment.  
“Let's get something to eat first. It's lunchtime and I'm starving.” Bernie states.  
“Okay, but I don't want to interfere with your plans.” Serena says shyly.  
“You don't. We both need to eat and company makes it better.” She smiles back. They quickly agrees to go to the café just outside campus. They can eat on campus another day. Today the cafeteria will be filled with students and they both want a more quiet place to eat. 

Sitting at a table outside in the sun, they both enjoy their lunch. Bernie munching away on her sandwich and Serena eats a salade niçoise.  
“Sorry to be so nosy, but what are your plans for this afternoon?” Serena asks.  
“Don't be. I just want to buy some curtains for my room. I get the morning sun in my face around 5am. I am a early riser, but 5am is too early, even for me.” She explains.  
“I need curtains too. We could go together. If.. if that's alright.” Serena continues.  
“I would like that. I don't have any ideas where and how to buy curtains. My plans was to go to the second hand shop.” Bernie tells.  
“Good. I know a lot. I've helped my mum decorating our home several times. I even have a sewing machine. We can buy the fabric and I can sew them. It's much cheeper that way.” She looks a Bernie with expectation.  
“I..I..I...can't....” Bernie stutters.  
“What?” Serena asks curious.  
“I can't sew. I'm not domestic at all. Sorry.” Bernie looks down on her feet.  
“Don't be sorry. I offer to sew yours too. You don't have to sew anything. Your job will be to flick the kettle on and make tea for both of us.“ She smiles.  
“Wouldn't it be easier to buy curtains? You offer is great, but I can't let you use your spare time on sewing curtains for me.”Bernie rambles on. She feels a hand on her underarm.  
“Stop it. I'd love to sew your curtain. Matter of fact - sewing is relaxing for me. If you like, we can go to the second hand shop first. If you don't find any curtains, we can look for some fabric. Do you have the measures of your windows?” Serena says calmly.  
“What? No. Ehm..I thought... I...” She mutters.  
“Don't worry. I have a measuring tape in my backpack. When we're finished here, we can go back to your room. I have the measures to my windows, but in an old building like this, you can't be sure, that every room is exact like all the others.” Serena continues. Bernie just nods. She can't believe Serena is going to help her and be in her room. The two of them alone in her room, where she has her collection of sapphic litterature. She doesn't want Serena to know. She's thankful, that the books are having their backs to the wall.   
They finish their lunch in silence, clean their trash away and go back to Bernies room.  
“Please wait here.” Bernie pleads when they're in front of her door. She slides into the room. Letting Serena stand waiting in the hall. She hides the dishes in a cupboard, makes her bed and then let Serena enter.  
“You don't have to tidy up for me. I've seen a lot of untidy rooms. It seems to me that boys don't have the same standard as us, when it comes to cleanliness. Your room is lovely. Oh! You have a windowsill like me. Yours is a bit bigger than mine.” Serena takes out her measuring tape and begins to take the measures she needs. Bernie can't stop admirering her backside. It's perfect. She doesn't have a flat bum like herself. She needs to stop thinking that way about Serena. She shakes her head, just when Serena turns around.  
“Somethings wrong?” She asks.  
“No.” Bernie whispers. “I'm just tired.”  
“Do you want us to do this another day?” Serena says concerned.  
“No. It's okay. I want us to continue.” Bernie answers.  
“Alright. Let's get out of here. I have what I need.” She smiles wide and Bernie smiles back shyly.


	5. New fabric

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They need curtains

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for your comments and kudos

They use the best of two hours in the second hand shop. Serena dismissing every curtain Bernie finds.   
“Too short.” Serena says. Bernie lays a curtain back on the shelf.  
“You have now dismissed every curtain in the whole shop.” Bernie informs her very frustrated.  
“Good. Let's have a look in the fabric corner then.” She answers enthusiastic. Bernie growls. To her surprise, she begins to enjoy how Serena works her way through the piles of fabric.  
“This is it.” She says triumphant. “It's perfect.” Serena begins to tell Bernie why. Bernie didn't hear much of what Serena says. She's just happy that Serena is happy and nods her consent.  
“This navyblue would fit perfect in your room. I'll take the winered fabric for my room.” She says with a happy sigh. Bernie is still speechless. They go to the till and pay.   
“Only £5 for all this. I love a good bargain.” Serena says with glee, when they're back in the street. “Let's go back to my place and begin.”   
“Ehm...Okay. If that's what you want.” Is all Bernie can say. Her mind miles away. How can she accept this. Being together with her dream woman for the rest of the day. How will she cope? She can't escape now. This will be a test. If she can survive the day, without showing her feelings for Serena, she'll be strong enough to only be friends with her. It will show her, if she can be alone with Serena and supress her feelings. She won't risk to lose her friendship with her now.  
“Earth to Bernie.” She hears.  
“What? Sorry. Miles away.” She apologizes.  
“That's mildly said. I've been talking to you for 5 minutes, with you only answering with mmh's.” Serena says sarcastic.  
“Sorry. I've lot on my mind.” Bernie blushes.  
“It's okay. Let's get the kettle on. After 2 hours with dusty curtains and fabric, I need a cup of tea.” She says with a laugh.   
What a beautiful laugh. Her eyes are like shining stars when she's happy. Bernie thinks. “Okay. Me too.” She answers quick.

Back on campus they begin with a cup of tea. Serena sorts through her sewing kit and accessories to find out if she need anything. She writes a list and gives it to Bernie.  
“I need you to go and buy these few items. Go to Mrs. Knit's. She has the best quality and her prices are low too. The owner knows who I am. Give her the list and tell her, it's for Serena McKinnie. Do you know where the shop is?” She asks.  
“Yes.” Bernie answers. Happy to help. She puts on her trainers, while Serena unpacks her sewing machine and unfolds the fabric on the table. Measuring tape in hand, she sends Bernie off to do the required shopping.  
She easily finds the shop. The owner is a lovely lady, about her parents age. Bernie likes the shop, but she must confess, that she doesn't know much about the stuff the woman is selling. She hands Mrs. Knit the list and tells her, what Serena had said.  
“Oh. Ms. McKinnie. She's such a lovely girl. I've known her since she was a young girl. I'm so happy for her, that she got into medicine. How do you know her?” Mrs Knit keeps babling on and on.  
“Ehm.. I..I've just met her. Ehm..we..we study together.” Bernie stutters, when Mrs. Knit finally needs to breathe.  
“Oh. Here you are darling. Please greet Ms. McKinnie from me and tell her to pay me a visit soon. As her friend you're welcome too. Take it as a gift. Two future female doctors is payment enough for me. I'd like to help. I know students don't have much money.” She says with a smile and hands her a small paper bag.  
“Mrs. Knit, I can't accept. It's too much to ask...” Bernie begins to protest.  
“You didn't ask. It's a gift. Please, do call me Ms. Claire. Mrs Knit is my mother.” She smiles even wider, while holding the door for Bernie. “Please come back soon and don't forget to greet Ms. McKinnie from me.”  
“Thank you Ms. Claire.” Is all Bernie has time to say, before the door closes behind her and she stands outside alone.   
Next to the shop, there's a Fish & Chips shop. Bernie suddenly feels hungry. She looks a her watch. It's almost suppertime. With the money saved at Mrs. Knit's, she has enough money to buy them both supper.

Entering Serenas room with the food in one hand and the paper bag from Mrs. Knit's in the other, Bernie isn't prepared for the sight in front of her. She looks directly into Serenas bum. She stands leaning over the table, cutting the fabric.  
“Ehm..Hi..I'm back. Bringing food.” Bernie stutters and blushes.  
“Goodie. It smells great.” She turns around.  
“Fish & Chips. I hope you like it. It's from the shop next to Mrs. Knit's...ehm...Ms. Claire. She told me to say hello.” She hands Serena the small paper bag.  
“Thank you. Hey. How did you pay for the food? You said earlier, that you've spent the rest of your money on the fabric and you have to wait for money from your parents.” She asks.  
“Well. Ms Claire didn't want any money for the things you ordered. She told me, that it was a gift. She's a weird lady. She said it was payment enough, that we're going to be female doctors” Bernie giggles.  
“Sometimes. But ..” Serena begins.  
“I had to promise, that you'll visit her soon. I had a few pennies in my pocket and with the money meant for the supplies, I had enough.” She holds the bag with the food in the air.  
“Okay. Fair enough. I don't think we would have time or energy to cook anyway. You're forgiven.” Serena says and kisses Bernie featherlight on the cheek and turns back to cutting the fabric.  
Bernie stands frozen for a few seconds. She shakes her head and begins to plate the food, still feeling the tingling, where Serenas lips had touched her cheek.

They eat the food. Sitting on the floor with their backs against the sofa bed. Chatting about Ms. Claire and other things, Bernie needs to know. It might help to ease her mind.  
“When are you going to see your boyfriend again?” She asks shy.  
“What?” Serena almost chokes in a chip.   
“Sorry, for asking, but..” Bernie says while tapping Serena on the back.  
“Don't worry. Why do you think I have a boyfriend?” She asks.  
“I saw you, when you arrived with your parents and a young man.” Bernie explains  
“Ah. That's Andrew. He's my ex. My parents insisted on bringing him. I ended it months ago, but my mum won't accept it's over. Andrew is her dream of the perfect son in law. I only went out with him because I felt sorry for him and because my mum kept on setting us up 'by coincidence'. I never loved him. I took his virginity and tried to learn him, what women wants in bed. He was hopeless. Never had an opinion of his own.” Serena sighs and rolls her eyes.  
“So single and free?” Bernie jokes.  
“Yeah. I want to get the best out of being single and going to university. I want a partner in the future, but it has to be someone, who respects my wishes by having a career.” She continues. “And you?”  
“Single and free.” Bernie states.  
“But..” Serena asks.  
“I don't want to talk about it. It's complicated.” She mumbles. Serena lays an arm around Bernies back.  
“A bad break up?” She asks soft.  
“As I said; it's complicated. I don't want to talk about it. Another day maybe.” She pleads.  
“Okay. Let's continues with the work.” Serena hugs Bernie with her arm and rises, not seeing that Bernie wipes away a tear.


	6. New friends

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Friday bonus.
> 
> Thank you for your comments and kudos

Bernie turns out to be the perfect assistant for curtains sewing. Serena always have tea in her cup. She cleans away the fabric, that Serena doesn't need anymore. She even irons the curtains, when Serena tells her to do so. They work together in a perfect synchronicity. Before they're finished, they work side by side, sometime without saying anything to each other, but doing the right thing to help the other.  
Around midnight they're finally hanging up the curtains in Serenas room. Bernie is standing on a chair, hanging up the curtains, while Serena holds on to the chair and Bernies legs to prevent her to fall. They sit down on the sofa bed to admire their work. The curtains for Bernies room are finished too and lays folded on the table.  
“Great work.” Bernie says tired.  
“Yeah.” Serena leans her head on Bernies shoulder. Too tired to protest, Bernie let her do it. Only a few minutes later, they're both asleep.

Something is different. She enjoys the feeling. It's a long time since she had felt so at ease and comfortable. She's happy. She wakes up slowly, still wearing her clothes from yesterday. There's someone else in the bed. This pillow isn't her own. She open her eyes a little more. Bernie suddenly realize, that she isn't in her own room. The pillow is Serenas chest. They must both have fallen asleep sitting on the sofa bed. During the night, they must have turned to a more comfortable position to sleep.  
“Wait! Serenas chest. I need to get out of here.” Bernie thinks and starts to panic. She's now wide awake. She rises her head and her eyes meet a beautiful sight. A sleeping Serena. She can't help it. She caresses her cheek softly and gives her forehead a small kiss. She looks at her again. Just to assure, that Serena is still sleeping. Then she let her lips touch Serenas lips in a featherlight kiss. She rises slowly from the bed, trying not to wake this sleeping beauty of an unreachable dream woman. She lays the duvet over Serena, caresses her hair and allows herself to take one last look at her. With her shoes in her hand, Bernie leaves the room as silent as possible.  
Outside in the hall she stops and leans against the door. What has she done? She really hopes, that Serena didn't experienced anything of what she did. She looks at her watch. It's 6am. She goes back to her room. She throws herself on her bed. Hiding her face in a pillow. She begins to cry. She has never been so much in love as she is with Serena. She knows, that they will never be a couple. Serena loves men and Bernie can only be her friend. Why can't she be normal? Find a lovable man to marry. It would be so much easier. It's so hard to hide your true feelings.  
Around 7am she hears a knock on her door. She doesn't answer. She doesn't want anyone to know, that she has been crying. With her puffy red eyes, they would know as soon as they sees her. Then she hears another knock. This time it's a bit louder.  
“Bernie. It's me - Serena. I can hear you. Please open the door.” She pleads. Bernie dries her eyes with the back of her hand. She opens the door an inch, but she doesn't let her in. She stands so Serena can't see her. Blocking the door.  
“What do you want?” Bernie says cold.  
“You forgot your curtains. Sorry, that I fell asleep, without saying thank you for your help.” Serena explains.   
“Oh. Right. Sorry. I wouldn't wake you. You had worked so hard. Thank you.” She opens the door to let her in.  
“Alrighty then. We still have some time before class. Let's hang up these curtains, so you won't wake up too early every day.” She says energetic. Bernie doesn't know what to say and does what Serena tells her to do. Again she stands on a chair and Serena holds on to her legs.  
It happens so fast. The chair is unstable and tilts. She grabs out and Serena catches her. They're now standing holding each other and looking each other deep in the eyes. Bernie shifts between looking at Serenas eyes and her lips. She wants to kiss her right there and now, but holds back. She's about to move forward, when Serena begins to laugh.  
“That was close. We don't need to practice our medical skills on each other yet. We have to learn first.” She giggles.  
“Yeah. Right. I'm okay.” Bernie lets go of Serena.  
“Hey? What's wrong? You're different today. Have I done something wrong? Why wouldn't you let me in until I told you, that I had you curtains with me?” Serena asks worried.  
“Nothing. I'm okay. You've done nothing wrong. Sorry.” Bernie mutters and turns away.  
“I don't believe you. Tell me. What's wrong.” Serena lays a hand on her back. Bernie enjoys the caress.  
“I..I..I.. can't talk about it. You haven't done anything wrong. It's me. Please go. Thank you for the help with the curtains.” She stutters.   
“Okay. See you later in class.” Serena whispers disappointed and leaves Bernie alone.

Serena walks back to her room. What could be wrong with Bernie? They had so much fun yesterday. They worked so well together. What had happened during the night? Wait! Bernie had been crying. Her eyes were red and swollen, when they stood facing each other after she catched Bernie. What could be the reason, that she had cried? The bad break-up? She needs to know, but she wants to respect Bernies wish, not to talk about it right now. She will give her some space and let her come to her, when she's ready to talk. Yes! That's what she's going to do. Until then she'll be as supportive for Bernie as she allows her to be. That's what friends are for. Are they friends? She really hope so. She likes Bernie. It'll be good to have a fellow female medicine student as a friend to fight off all the men, who seems to think, that women have nothing to do in medicine. Their opinion is that women belong at home or as a nurse. That's so oldfashioned. Serena wants to show them, that they're wrong. And she wants to do it together with her friend Bernie.  
She eats her breakfast, while pondering over Bernies reaction. Packs her backpack and walks to the auditorium. When she enters, Bernie is already there. Sitting at the same spot as yesterday. What is she going to do? Sit beside her or find another place to sit? She wants to respect Bernies wishes, but she wants to show her, that she's there for her too. She approches Bernie.  
“Is it okay, if I sit next to you?” She asks  
“Yeah, why not?” Bernie shrugs her shoulders.  
“After this morning....I don't want to pressure you with my presence. I want to give you space, but..” She whispers.  
“What do you mean?” Bernie interrupts her and turns around to look at Serena.  
“I...I...You....you said you don't want to talk. You dismissed me. You were hurt....you...you've been crying before you let me in and I didn't realized it before I was back in my room.” She stutters looking down on her shoes.  
“Sorry, if I've hurt you. I'm happy you're here.” She pulls Serenas chin up, so she can look at Bernie. “We both need a friend.”  
“Okay. You're right, but I think we need to talk.” She answers.  
“I suppose you're right. Friends?” Bernie reaches her hand out for Serena to take.  
“Friends.” She takes Bernies hand to accept the offer.


	7. New confidants

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Serena learns a little more about who Bernie is.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for your comments and kudos

It's a sunny afternoon. They sit under a big oak tree. Each with a cup of coffee, they had made in Serenas room, before they went outside in the good weather. They sit on a blanket, with their backs against the oak.  
“I don't know how to ask, sorry to be so forward, but why were you crying?” Serena begins.  
“I can't talk about it right now, but a part of it is, that I just want to be normal.” Bernie explains.  
“What do you mean? Normal?” She asks.  
“You know. Normal. Going out with men. Find a man, who'll treat me good and then marry him. Get kids.” She say vulnerable, fidgeting with her hands.  
“I don't think I understand. Has someone hurt you. Did he hit you?” She says concerned.  
“No. It's not like that. I..I..Please don't ask. I've never...I can't...” Serena observes how Bernie is beginning to panic. She lays a hand on her arm.  
“It's okay. You don't have to tell me. I'll be here for you, if you want to talk about it. I'm your friend – remember.” She caresses Bernies arm with her thumb.  
“Thank you. It's hard for me. I've never had a friend I could trust 100 percent. I need to learn to trust people. Stop hiding.” A tear runs down her cheek.  
“Oh, Bernie.” Serena pulls her into a hug. “You can trust me. Your secrets will be save with me.”  
“Thank you.” Bernie sniffles into Serenas neck.  
They sit that way a few more minutes. Serenas right hand moves slow in circles on Bernies back to calm her down.  
“Sorry.” Bernie lets go of Serenas embrace and dries her eyes with her hand.  
“Don't worry. Let's talk about something else.” She takes a sip of her now lukewarm coffee and looks at Bernie over the rim of the cup.  
“Okay. What do you want to talk about?” Bernie takes a sip of her coffee too.  
“Do you fancy any of the male students in class? Found someone to scratch the itch?” Serena asks cheeky.  
“No!” Bernie looks horrified at Serena.  
“I didn't mean you had to marry him. Women have needs, you know.” She blinks at Bernie.  
“Yeah. I know, but..” Bernie blushes.  
“Oh my God. Don't tell me you're a virgin.” Serena squeels.  
“No. I don't know. I suppose, I'm not.” Bernie whispers.  
“I don't understand. Either you're a virgin or you're not.” She states.  
“Here it comes. Don't judge me. I...I..” Bernie looks down on her coffee. Serena takes her hand.  
“Take your time. I'm sure, that I won't judge you.” She assures her, while caressing her knuckles.  
“I don't like men that way. I've only slept with women.” She pulls her hand away from Serenas caress.  
“That's all? Do you think I'll stop being your friend, because you're a lesbian? Oh, darling Bernie, You couldn't be more wrong.” She says calm. Bernie looks up.  
“You don't?” She asks surprised.  
“No, it doesn't matter. I don't care, that you're a lesbian. It means more men for me and I have someone to take with me to visit the new gay bar in the city.” She smirks.  
“You're straight, why do you want to visit a gay bar?” Bernie is really confused now.  
“I go to gay bars, when I just want to have fun and dance the night away. In a gay bar I don't have to deal with men hitting on me all the time. Some men doesn't understand a no and keeps on and on. In a gay bar I feel more free to have fun on my own. I drink, I dance, I flirt and then I go home alone.” She explains.  
“You flirt with women?” Bernie asks a bit insecure.  
“Yeah, but I've never been more than friends with a woman before, if that's what you ask.” She answers soothingly.  
“Okay. Thank you.” She drinks the rest of her coffee. They sit in silence for a few minutes.  
“It's getting cold. Let's go back to mine. I'll make something for us. I still have some questions, if you don't mind.” Serena proposes.  
“Fine by me. I'll do much for free food.” Bernie laughs with a goose honk that surprises Serena and she begins to laugh too. Catching their breath, they collects their few belongings and go back to Serenas room.

Serena makes ham and cheese sandwiches for them both. For a starter she makes a salad too. As it is a school night, they drink water with the food. Saving the wine for the weekend.  
“So what's your next question?” Bernie asks between two bites of her sandwich.  
“Tell me about your family. You've only told me about, how it was being an army brat. Any siblings? How's your parents?” Serena takes a bite of her sandwich. Bernie looks down on her plate for a few seconds.  
“I don't have any living siblings. My brother died before I was born. He died in a playground accident.” She begins.  
“It must have been hard for your parents.” Serena comments.  
“I don't know. They never talk about him. All I know about him is, what my Nan has told me. It's like he has never existed in my parents life. No photos. Nothing to remind him. The only photos I've seen of him is at my Nans. I once asked her who the boy in one of her photos on the wall was. She took the photo down and we sat down on her couch. She told me, that it was my brother Sean. I got very confused, because I knew I don't have a brother. She told me he died, when he was 5 years old. The same age I had, when she told me about him. Years later she told me the facts about how he died. That was the day I decided to become a doctor.” Bernie takes a break telling about her family. Sipping some water.  
“It's hard for me to believe, that your parents never talked to you about him?” Serena is appalled.  
“Yeah. They're quite oldfashioned. My father is build by the army and it's way to think and believe. He's born and raised in the army. Through generations the Wolfe dynasty has been a part of the british army. Once my father said, that he was sorry, that he haven't got a son to continue the line of good and loyal soldiers. Sadly the doctors had to do a hysterectomy on my mother just after I was born.” She explains.  
“No more boys for the major then.” Serena jokes.  
“As a teen I tried to tell my father, that women could be in the army too. He gave me a lecture about, why women doesn't belong in the army.” She sighs.  
“What do they say about you being a lesbian?” Serena asks.  
“They don't know. They must never hear about it. My father is the biggest homophobe I know and my mother has the same beliefs as him. I've often seen him getting angry about gays. He think it's a disease you can be healed from. He says, that being gay is a choice people make to provoke and dishonour their family. More than once he has told me, that if I choose to be gay, I won't be his daughter anymore. My Nan is more modern thinking than my parents.” Bernie looks at Serena and smiles, when she thinks of her Nan.  
“What a knobhead.” Serena mutters. “Am I the first one to know. I mean besides your girlfriend?”  
“My Nan knows. She found me and a girl kissing, when I lived with her. I thought she would tell my parents and throw me out, but she let me cry in her arms and assured me, that I will always have a home with her. Even if my parents wouldn't talk to me. She doesn't care who I love, as long as I'm happy. By the way I've had more than one girlfriend.” Bernie rises from the chair and bring her plate into the sink.  
“I'd like to meet your Nan. She sounds like a great woman.” Serena brings her plate into the sink too.  
“Yeah. I love her very much. Sorry but I need to go now. Thank you for the food. I'd like to tell you more, but it has to be another day. It's such a relief for me, that I don't have to hide my true self for you anymore.” She gives Serena a quick hug.  
“You're welcome. I'm you friend after all. See you in class tomorrow. Good night. I hope you'll sleep well with your new curtains.” She greets with a wide grin, when Bernie walks out the door.  
“Good night to you too.” Bernie greets back


	8. New colours

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Serena needs some fun

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for your comments and kudos

“Let's have fun tonight.” Serena whispers to Bernie. It's friday afternoon. They're having the last lecture of the day. It's quite boring. Bernie tries to pay attention, but it's hard, when Serena keeps on whispering in her ear. Just the thought of her lips near her ear makes Bernie shiver.  
“Shush. I want to hear this.” She whispers back.  
“Bullocks. You're just as bored as the rest of us.” Serena teases.  
“Please stop.” Bernie pleads.  
“Well, that's all for today. I want you to read the first four chapters before next lesson. And please don't drink your brains out this weekend.” They hear Professor Brocks say.  
“Finally. I don't think I could cope hearing one more word about the brain and the neurological system.” Serena sighs. They pack their books in their backpacks and leaves the auditorium. Walking close together.  
“What fun did you have in mind for tonight?” Bernie asks.  
“Well. I need to have some fun. Let the hair down. Let's see how the new gay bar is. We've only been in the normal bars and in the pub. Pretty please.” She looks at Bernie with big brown begging eyes.  
“I..I..Ehm..It's...I....Okay.” Bernie gives in without much persuasion.  
“Goodie. Let's meet at mine around 7 o'clock. I'll cook supper for us and then we can get ready together to hit the gay bars.” Serena says excited.  
“Okay.” Bernie confirms, speculating what Serena means by getting ready together.  
“See you.” They say in unison and get back to their rooms.

As soon as Bernie is back in her room, she panics. What is she going to do? What is she going to wear? Could she keep her feelings hidden if she drinks alcohol? Her head is spinning. She grabs her toiletries and a towel and heads for the showers. Normally she would take a long run, but she doesn't have the time. The second best way for her to think, is to take a long shower. She's lucky to be alone. She doesn't want to talk to anybody right now. She turns on the shower and enjoys the water pouring over her body.  
Perhaps it will be good for her to meet other women. She's sure, that she will meet some tonight. If she flirts with other women, she could be lucky to forget her feelings for Serena. What will she feel if Serena flirts with other women? Jealouse? It is different, when Serena flirts with men. It stings a little to see her flirting, when all Bernie wants, is Serena to flirt with her. She hopes the evening will give her some answers. There's only one thing, that she's sure of and that is that Serena will never fall in love with her. She only love men.  
When she's putting on her clothes, Jen enters the shower room.  
“Hi.” She says.  
“Hi.” Bernie answers.  
“Getting ready for a night out?” Jen asks.  
“Yeah.” She sighs.  
“Not looking forward to it?”Jen walks nearer to Bernie.  
“Well, I don't know. I've never been one to hit the bars.” She explains.  
“It sounds like there's something more to it.” She looks at Bernie and she nods.  
“It's hard to explain, you know.” Bernie is happy, that it's Jen who came into the shower room. The two of them have developed a friendship after Bernie found out, that Jen is a lesbian too. Jen has the room next to Bernie and last month Jen had a visit from her girlfriend. By coincidence, she had seen them kiss in the kitchen, when they were cooking dinner. She had scrambled a little with her things, so they knew, she was in the kitchen too. They had ended up eating together. That was the way Bernie found out, that she can trust Jen.  
“Oh. You're going with Serena? But you two have been out before. Why is it different today?” Jen asks and sit down on the bench beside Bernie.  
“She wants to go to the new gay bar. The way she said it, I think she want us to drink our brains out in every gay bar in town and end up in the new one, that opened a few month ago.” Bernie signs.  
“Why is Serena interested in gay bars?” She asks.  
“Well, she says they make her feel free, because there will be no men hitting on her all night, eventhough she has turned them down several times, like in a normal bar.” She explains.  
“Hmm. Well, Patsy will arrive here soon. I'm sure, that I can persuade her to go out tonight. Then you won't be alone with Serena. We'll make it look like, we didn't know that you two was touring the gay bars tonight. I'll explain everything to Patsy. I'm sure she won't mind.” She lays a conforting hand on Bernies thigh.  
“You'd do that for me?” Bernie asks with surprise.  
“Yes, of course. That's what friends are for. Especially lesbian friends.” She bumps Bernie with her shoulder.  
“Thanks.” Bernie blushes.

Bernie takes a few seconds before she knocks on Serenas door. Is her outfit okay? Black fitting jeans, a white shirt with the first botton open and her black boots with small heels. She had even put on a little coloured lipbalm. As usual she has hidden her money and ID by the ankle in her sock. Serena use to hide hers in her bra. That way, they don't need to have a purse with them.  
She knocks on the door. Serena opens the door with a toothbrush in her month only wearing underwear and her robe. The stereo plays ABBA. Serenas favourite band. Bernie is frozen to the spot. That was not the sight she had expected.  
“Don't stand there. Please come in. Where's your stuff? I thought we were going to get ready together.” Serena greets. “I've made pasta for us.”  
“Sounds great.” Bernie finally moves.  
“Sit down. I'll be back in a sec.” Serena walks into the toilet 'cupboard', still talking to Bernie. “Can you find the plates, please?”  
“Of course.” Bernie does as she's told and Serena comes back into the room.  
“Do you mind if I change in front of you? Or is that the reason, that you don't have anything with you. That you don't like to change your clothes in front of others?” She asks.  
“No. I didn't know what you meant. I've never prepared for a party that way before. Sorry.” Bernie blushes.  
“Don't be. I just forgot, that you haven't been partying as much as I have. My friends from St. Winifreds and I, we always did this on special nights out. We all brought two or three outfits. While we were getting ready for the night, we tried on each others outfits or borrowed a piece. The best part is putting on the make up together.” Serena bables on and on. Suddenly she notes Bernie confused look.  
“Is that a fun thing for you to do?” Bernies asks.  
“Yes! I think most women think that.” She exclaims.  
“Maybe.” Bernie mumbles.  
“Don't worry. I'll do a catwalk show for you and you can tell me what outfit is the best to wear tonight.” Serenas voice almost bubbles from exitement. “But let's eat first. I think the food is still warm. I've hidden the pots under my duvet.” She moves the duvet away and puts the pots on the table. One with pasta and one with tomatosauce and meatballs. They dish up and begins to eat.  
“This tastes great, Serena.” Bernie says and takes another mouthful. Of course her luck has ended and she now has a big stain of tomatosauce on her crisp white shirt. “Oh no!”  
“Take the shirt off. We need to rinse it immediately.” Serena almost tears the shirt of Bernies body. When she has finished rinsing the shirt she hangs it on a coathanger to dry.  
“You can borrow one of my shirts. I know, that I'm a little bit bigger on the front, but I think I have just the right one for you. It's a bit tight for me to wear - I must admit.” She holds out an olivegreen shirt. Bernie takes the shirt on. At first to cover up her upper body, which at the moment only wears a bra. She looks at herself in Serenas mirror. She had never thought that olivegreen could be a fitting colour for her.


	9. New jobs

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Time to hit the gay bars

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for the comments and kudos

The next thirty minutes is pure torment for Bernie. Serena shows her one sexy bodyfitting outfit after another. The worst is, when she changes outfit. Bernie is fully aware of the effect that seeing Serena in her underwear has on her. But tonight Serena has added stockings and a suspender belt. Bernie tries to stay calm, but she can feel how her cheeks is getting warmer. She can feel the effect between her thighs. She tries to press them together to suppress the wetness. She has no success. She needs air. She knows that Serena is against her smoking in her room.  
“I..I..need a cigaret.” Bernie stutters and storms out of the room. Outside she leans against the wall.  
“Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.” She mumbles to herself and bumps her backhead lightly on the wall. How is she going to survive the night, when she knows, what Serena wears under her outfit. She's so beautiful and sexy. Bernie just want to kiss her and make love to her all night. While smoking the rest of the cigaret, she walks to her own room. She needs a fresh pair of briefs. She could change the shirt too, but then Serena would know, that she has been back in her room and would ask her why.   
In the hall she meets Jen and Patsy.  
“Are you alright.” Jen asks.  
“Yes. Just need some stuff from my room.” Bernie now hates, that she has told Jen, when she was supposed to meet Serena.  
“Okay. See you later. Which bar do you think you'll go to first?” Patsy asks.  
“You two have no secrets. Apparently my life isn't a secret between you either.” Bernie mutters.  
Both women giggles.  
“Serena wants to begin at 'The pink panther' and then visit the two other bars before we'll end up at the new bar.” Bernie explains.  
“Okay. We'll look how far you've come, when we hit the bars. But first I need something to eat.” Jen winks at Patsy and Bernie blushes. She knows, that they won't eat food, but they're going to have sex.  
“Okay. Bye. See you later.” Bernie waves at them and rushes back to Serena.

Bernie tries to sneak into Serenas room, but Serena is over her like a hawk.  
“What took you so long? Did you smoke the whole package?” She sounds angry but concerned too.  
“Sorry. I met Jen and her girlfriend. We talked a little. They'll meet us later. If it's okay with you.” Bernie answers shy.  
“It's okay. The more the merrier. I thought you'd done a runner.” She continues.  
“Sorry. I just needed some air. I...I..”Bernie stutters.  
“Don't be sorry. Let's get out of here.” Serena marks the end of the confrontation by smiling wide at Bernie. They walk out of the room together. Serena locks her door and hides the key in her bra. In the hall she lock her arm with Bernies.  
“Sorry, that I was so hard on you. I've been looking forward to this evening all day. And I got frightend, and thought that I had done something wrong and that you didn't want to be with me anymore. You disappeared so fast.” Serena tries to explain.  
“Listen to me. I'll never run away from you.” Bernie stops and take Serenas hands in hers and looks her directly in the eyes. “Do you hear me?”  
“Yeah, but I still don't understand, why you left my room so fast. You've never done that before, when you're going for a smoke.” Serenas sniffles.  
“Hey. I can't explain that to you. It's me. You've done nothing wrong.” Bernie says calm, hoping that Serena will forgive her and that she doesn't have to explain the real reason, why she left the room. She can never tell Serena, that she had to get out of the room, because she's in love with her and she was afraid of her own actions if she had spent one second longer, seeing Serena in her underwear. She is afraid, that she would have kissed her or worse.  
“Okay. You're forgiven. Let's forget about it.” Serena gives Bernie a light kiss on the cheek. Bernie freezes for a few seconds.

'The pink panther' is full of life. Bodies moving to the music on the dancefloor. People sitting at the tables surrounding the dancefloor. Some in deep conversation, others looking into the air and some drinking.  
“What do you want to drink?” Bernie answers gesturing she's going to buy the first round.  
“Do you even have to ask. You must know me by now.” Serena groans back.  
“I just thought, that you might want a cocktail tonight instead of Shiraz. You're in a gay bar for Gods sake.” She teases.  
“Okay. Surprise me with something colourful with an umbrella in.” She answers. Bernie heads to the bar and Serena seeks out a table in a corner for them. Just the way they like. They can hide in the corner, but they can watch the whole bar from their seatings. Bernie finds her, holding a beer and a pink drink.  
“It's their signature cocktail. I believe you can guess the name.” Bernie smirks.  
“A pink panther – perhaps?” Serena jokes.  
“Yes! You've won a night out with me.” Bernie laughs.  
“I thought I already had that. What a boring prize.” Serena pouts.  
“Okay, okay, okay. You've won a..a...a..”Bernie teases Serena by pretending to think of a prize.  
“Argh. Come on. How hard can it be to come up with a prize for me.” Serena acts insulted.  
“Alright. I'll pay the first two rounds in every bar we visit today. Is that a good enough prize for you?” She looks at Serena with big hazelbrown puppy eyes. She knows, that Srena never says no to the puppy eyes.  
“It's a great prize, but where do you get all the money from. You're normally broke at this time of the month. Have daddy send you extra money or have you inherited a rich uncle from America.” Serena looks worried.  
“I've got a job. The last month and a half I've been working 2 hours every morning before classes in the supermarket. And sometimes a few hours in the evening.” Bernie says seriously.  
“Cool. But why? You need the time to study. I know I do.” Serena interferes.  
“We both study hard. You know that, because most of the time we study together, but as I'm a early riser I have a few more free hours than you.” She says with a grin.  
“Yeah, yeah. You know I need my beautysleep or I'll be grumpy all day.” Serena mutters.  
“I've applicated for another job in the coffeeshop.” Bernie tells matter of factly.  
“Why?” Serena is shocked.  
“I..I...My parents sends me money, but I want to show them, that I don't need their money. That I can stand on my own feet. I want to be independent. I want to live my life without their interference in my life. My father always talks about, how he can't understand why I use the money they've send me so fast. That he could live much cheeper than I do and so on. I'm sick of hearing that.” Bernie rambles on.  
“Okay. I understand you. I must confess, that I've got a job myself.” She smiles at Bernie.  
“Where?” She asks  
“At Mrs. Knit. I begin next week. I'll be working when my schedule allows it and every second saturday. It's not much, but I've promised Ms. Claire that it won't affect my studies, if I work for her.” She says proudly.  
“Hey, girls. We made it. What are you having? Patsy's at the bar, she gives this round.” They hear Jen say. They give their orders and Jen disappears again to let Patsy know, what they've ordered.


	10. New conversations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The evening doesn't turns out like Serena and Bernies wished

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for the comments and kudos.

What is she doing? Bernie is sitting at their table in 'Gay bar no. 2'. Serena is dancing very close with a hot blonde woman. She can't take her eyes of Serenas sexy movements.  
“Get out there and dance with her.” Jen yells in Bernies ear. The music is louder here, than at 'The pink panther'.  
“I can't.” Bernie protests.  
“Why not?” Patsy asks sitting on Jens lap. Jen caressing her bottom.  
“Because...” She begins.  
“You think, that she'll find out about your feelings for her?” Jen teases. Bernie nods.  
“She won't. She has already drunk so much, that she won't remember the rest of the night.” Patsy notes.  
“Take your chance. Perhaps you'll find out, that she's into women after all.” Jen continues and nudges her in the side with her elbow.  
“I can't. It wouldn't be fair, but I think I'll try to safe her from that blonde before they're having sex on the dancefloor.” She rises from her chair and walks in Serenas direction. She sneaks up behind Serena and lays her arm around her and follows her movement. Thankful that it's a slow song being played.  
“We need to go now.” She says into Serenas right ear. The woman dancing with Serena looks upset.  
“Are you two together?” She asks.  
“Yes.” Bernie answers without thinking.  
“Tease.” The woman says to Serena and walks away angry. Serena leans back into Bernies body. She lays her hands on Bernies. They continues to dance slowly the rest of the song and a few minutes into the next, eventhough it was a song with a faster beat. They were in their own bubble. Bernie indulging in the feeling to be so near to Serena, who enjoys how safe she feels in the arms of her best friend. Bernie's about to kiss Serenas neck, when someone pulls her on the arm. It's Jen shaking her head miming “No.”  
“I think we all need some fresh air.” Jen yells to them both nodding at the exit. Bernie and Jen almost drags Serena with them.

Patsy is taking care of Serena, who is vomiting in a bin. Bernie and Jen are arguing loudly 10 metres away.  
“Jen. What is this? Why did you drag us outside?” Bernie is mad. Not aware of how drunk she is herself.  
“Bernie. Stop. You're drunk. Let's get home.” She tries to calm her down.  
“You told me to take my chance. I almost did and you pulled me away. Why?” Bernie is crying now. Trying to stand straight.  
“Because you'll regret it tomorrow. Trust me. I've been there.” Jen is now holding Bernie in a tight hug. Bernies head is spinning. She just have enough time to turn away from Jen before she's vomits her guts out. Patsy comes to them with Serena hanging around her neck.  
“Darling. We need to get these two back home.” She says.  
“Yeah. We need a cab. They can't walk much longer.” Jen answers. Luckily the ride home is short and no one vomited in the cab. It had been difficult to pursuade the cab driver to let Bernie and Serena into the cab. In the end Patsy had given him £5 in advance and he had accepted.  
In Bernies room, they lay Serena on the sofa bed and gives her a bucket if she gets sick again. Patsy gets the extra matress Jen has in her room and throws it in the other end of Bernies room. Bernie is relieved to get a place to lie down. She gets a bucket too. She hears Patsy and Jen talking.  
“I don't understand. We drank just as much as they did and we're not near that bad state they are in?” She hears Patsy say.  
“I don't understand it either. Let's get them out of their clothes. They are both burning hot. Do you think we need to call for help?” Jen answers concerned.  
“Let's sober them up first.” Patsy says calm. They help both women out of their clothes. Tucks them under a duvet and gives them both a cold cloth on their foreheads. Soon both women is fast asleep. Jen has found Bernies air matress and she blows it up.  
“We can't leave them alone.” She looks at her girlfriend.  
“Yeah. I know. I'm happy we had sex before we went to the bar, because playing nurse for these two is really a mood killer.” Patsy giggles.  
“We can still do some heavy petting - I guess.” Jen smirks.  
“I don't think so. I'm exhauted. Rain check. Okay?” She kisses Jen on the forehead and they lay down on the air matress and soon they're sleeping too.

It turns out, that they both have the flu, just like several of their fellow students. After the first night, they've stopped vomiting. Their fever is high and they sleep most of the day. Jen cooks chicken soup for them. During the day Bernie replaces the matress on the floor with the sofa bed. It's wide enough for both of them. They sit in each end of the bed and when they get tired, they just slide down and sleep next to each other. Their feet beside each others heads.   
“Just like me and my cousin, when we were kids and we needed a nap, when we were visiting our Granny” Serena giggles.  
“That sounds cozy. I never spent much time together with my cousins. We wasn't in the same town often enough to bond. All being brought up in the army on my paternal side and my mother doesn't have siblings.” Bernie mumbles.  
“I'm sorry.” Serena whispers and lays a hand on Bernies leg. “I only have one cousin, but we were often at my Granny as kids. Since I went to St. Winifreds I haven't seen much of her. My mother has told me that Kaitleen, my cousin, isn't on speaking terms with her parents at the moment. Something about her eloping with her boyfriend to get married. He's black and 10 years older than her. He's not british and she has married him, so he can stay here in England.” She explains.  
“Oh, I understand. How old is your cousin?” Bernie asks.  
“She's 3 years older than me. So she must be 22 or 23 years old.” Serena answers.  
“Do you miss her?” Bernie asks softly.  
“I don't know. I've not thought much about her lately. Let's talk about something else.” She sighs.  
“Okay.” Bernie says without saying anything more.  
“Do you want children in the future?” Serena asks curiously.  
“I don't know. I've never thought it as an option.” She says matter of factly.  
“Why not? You and your future partner just need to find a willing sperm donor.” Serena smirks.  
“I believe there's more to it, than that.” Bernie blushes.  
“Oh, come on. Lesbians get kids all over the world. They must get the sperm from somewhere.” Serena teases.  
“I don't know. As I've already said, I've never thought of it as an option.” Bernie shrugs her shoulders. “What about you?”  
“I do and I want more than one. I want to begin my career as a surgeon first though.” Serena says proudly.  
“That sounds exactly like you. Career first. Husband and children can wait.” She laughs.  
“I don't know about the husband. If I meet the right one, I might marry him before my career begins, but he must accept, that I want to reach my goals and that getting children have to wait.” She smiles wide at Bernie. Bernie begins to dream about how it would be to get children together with Serena.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know how many gay bars a university city had in 1985, but it was easier to write this chapter if the city had more than 1 or 2 gay bars.


	11. New dreams

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for your comments and kudos

The next day they move their duvets and pillows into Serenas room. Serena has a TV. Bernie takes an extra pajama with her. She still has a fever and sometimes needs to change her clothes after a nap. They turn the TV on. There's an old drama series on. They decide to watch it, but Bernie falls asleep after 15 minutes. Serena feels a lot better today and let's Bernie sleep. When the show is finished, she flicks through the few channels, but there's nothing she want to watch and she turns the TV off. She potters around in her room. Cleans the clothes away, that she didn't use on friday. She does the dishes. She needs a shower and leaves Bernie a note. When she comes back from the shower, Bernie is still sleeping. She finds the book she has borrowed from Bernie. Yesterday Bernie had finally confessed why some of her books was standing on her bookshelf with their backs against the wall. It must be hard always to hide your true self. She thinks to herself. How would it be if she had to hide who she is. Would it be possible for her? Serena doesn't know and she hopes that she never has to know. She takes her duvet with her and sits down in her windowsill. She takes an extra look at the booktitle. “The price of salt” is an cryptic title, she wonders. Bernie had told her a little about what the book is about. It's a lovestory between two women. She ponders about the fact if she could fall in love with a woman. Sure she had kissed girls before at St. Winifred, but it was just practicing for the boys. A couple a years ago she had gone a bit further with her friend Madelaine with a little bit of petting, but it was awkward for both of them and they stopped. She thinks it would had been different, if she had been in love with Madelaine. She turns the first page in the book and begins to read about Carol and Therese.

Two hours later Bernie begins to move on the bed and she talks in her sleep. Serena leaves the book on the windowsill and kneels beside the bed. Trying to calm Bernie down. Apparently she's having a nightmare.  
“Shush, shush Bernie. It's me Serena. Please wake up. You're having a nightmare. I'm here for you.” She says calmly while stroking Bernies sweaty hair.  
“NO. STAY. I LOVE YOU. DON'T LEAVE ME.” Bernie screams just before she wakes up with eyes open wide, looking at Serena.  
“Serena.” She whispers.  
“It's alright. You had a nightmare.” She says soothingly  
“Sorry. I..” Bernie has tears in her eyes.  
“Don't be. Look at you. You're drenched in sweat.” She finds Bernies extra pajama and a towel. “I think a shower will do you good. I had one earlier. I was heaven. Let me help you.” Bernie lets Serena help her. She's too exhausted to protest. They walk to the shower room. Bernie with an arm around Serenas neck and Serena with an arm around Bernies waist. Serena helps her to undress. They're lucky that someone has left a plastic chair in the shower room. Serena places it under one of the shower for Bernie to sit on. Bernie washes her body herself. Serena observes how exhausted she is and washes Bernies hair for her. Bernie dries her body, but she needs Serena to help her with the pajama. They walk back to Serena room the way they walked to the shower room, but now Serena feels how much Bernie is leaning on to her.

Back in the room she forces Bernie to drink some water. She won't accept tea.   
“I don't like this Bernie. You're more sick now than this morning.” She says worried.  
“I'll be okay. I just need paracetamol and some sleep.” She says slurred and almost asleep.  
“Okay. You go back to sleep and we see how you're doing when you wake up.” Serena tries to stay calm for Bernies sake.  
“Okay. Thank you. G'night S'rena.” Bernie sighs before she's asleep.  
A few minutes later there's a small knock on the door. Serena opens the door. It's Jen.  
“Hi. I bring food. It's still warm if you two can eat now.” She sees Bernie sleeping on the bed.  
“Thank you. I don't like the way she's acting. It's like she's getting worse, while I'm getting better.” Serena looks concerned at Bernie.  
“I can see what you mean. How long has she slept?”  
“Most of the day. I just helped her get a shower, because she woke up totally drenched in sweat. She was exhausted halfway through. I had to help her wash her hair and to get the pajama on. Thank God there was a plastic chair, that she could sit on under the shower. She fell asleep few minutes after we got back here again.” She tells Jen anxious.  
“Do you think we need to call a doctor?” Jen asks.  
“I don't know. She thinks she'll be better after a nap. I keep an eye on her. If she doesn't get better I'll call for help.” Serena strokes Bernies cheek. “Thank you for the food. I'll let you know if she gets worse.”  
“Okay. I'll look around later. Try to get her to eat or at least drink something. She needs fluids if she keeps on sweating so much. I think it's a good idea to let her out of the pajama.” Jen instructs  
“Yeah. I know. Trust me. I've tried. She drank a glass of water before she went back to sleep.” Serena tells Jen before she leaves.  
Serena strips Bernie down to her briefs and sportsbra. She stays next to the bed, sitting on the floor, stroking Bernies hair and forehead with one hand and holding Bernies hand with the other hand. She dozes a little, but wakes up every time Bernie stirs a little.

A few hours later, they both sit on the sofa bed. Bernie is feeling a little better, she has eaten a few spoonfuls of Jens chicken soup and she even drank a big glass of water to please Serena.  
“What's your dream?” Serena asks Bernie  
“I don't remember.” Bernie answers.  
“I don't mean your nightmare. What do you dream about in the near future.” She explains  
“I want to earn enough money to rent a small flat outside campus. I'm sick of sharing the kitchen and the shower. No pun intended.” She giggles.  
“I like your dream. I've got an idea. What do you think if we find a flat together? It would be cheaper for both of us. “ She proposes excited.  
“I'd love that.” Bernie sighs happy.  
“It has to be a flat with two bedroom. How much I love to share a sofa bed with you, while we're sick, I'll appreciate to have my own space after this.” She grins.  
“I know.” Bernie smirks.  
“We need to have house rules, if we get lucky on a night out. “ Serena exclaims.  
“We can talk about that, when we actually have found a flat. I don't have the money until next summer.” Bernie tries to stay calm, but the thought of Serena having sex with a man in the same flat where she is, makes her unhappy.  
“Fine by me. But we have to begin to look in the beginning of the new year, before the new students get their acceptance letter.” Serena continues without noticing Bernies wet eyes.  
“I think it's a good idea.” Bernie says.  
“And we need to find out how much we can pay and how much we want to pay in rent. “ Serena continues her planning.  
“The way you talk, you can clearly hear, that your dad works as an accountant.” Bernie jokes and Serena pokes her tongue out.  
There's a knock on the door and Jen lets herself in, when Serena tells her to.  
“I'm happy to see, that you're feeling better Bernie. I was really worried about you.” She says.  
“Don't be. It's all my fault. I forgot to tell you all, that I'm usually that way, when I have a fever. It's all or nothing. Sorry.” Bernie explains.  
“It's alright. Now we know. I've bought you some extra food. Grapes, orangejuice, milk for the tea and some other stuff.” Jen smiles at them.  
“Thank you.” They say in unison.  
“I'll leave you alone. I need to bring Patsy to the station.” She informs.  
“Okay. Say hello from us.” Serena greets, when Jen gets to the door.  
“I will.” And she's gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THe way Bernie is sick is just like my brother


	12. New game

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's beginning to look a lot like christmas

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for your comments and kudos

“I'll never remember this.” Bernie throws her book on the bed.  
“You have to.” Serena answers upset.  
It's the beginning of december and they sit in Bernies room and study the nerve system. They need to know how the nerves run in the entire body before tomorrow. Professor Brocks will give them a test tomorrow.  
“Come on, Bernie. We need to learn it. I don't want to fail this test. I'm as unsurtain as you are. If you give up, I have to give up too. I can't pass this test without you.” Serena pleads.  
“What do you mean. It's not a group test.” Bernie answers.  
“I know, but you remember the stuff much faster as I am and if you give up, I'm curtain, that I'll never learn it.” She says unsecure.  
“Okay. I'll give it another try.” Bernie sighs and picks up the book.  
“Let's drink a cup of coffee first.” Serena proposes and flicks the kettle on. She feels at home in Bernies room and potters around to get the coffee ready and finds some biscuits.  
“Do you have any plans for christmas?” She hears Bernie ask.  
“Yeah. I'm going home to my parents. And you?” Serena says soft.  
“I'll visit my Nan. We're only going to be us two.” Bernie says happy.  
“What about your parents?” Serena inquires.  
“They stay at the base. They have a big christmas party there. It's in Scotland, as you already know and my father thinks it's too long and too risky to drive to Holby in december, if we get snow and all that.” Bernie mumbles.  
“Are you going to miss them?” Serena continues.  
“No. Matter of fact, I'm relieved. Christmas is always more fun without them. I can be me.” Bernie explains.  
“We can travel together, as we're both going to Holby over the holidays. It's always more fun to travel on the train together.” Serena says with anticipation.  
“I'd love that. I've already planned to go to Holby after the last lecture on friday the 21th and I'll stay a week. I want to celebrate new years here with our friends.” Bernie looks at Serena.  
“Sounds like a plan. I'm in.” Serena concludes.  
“Do you...do you want to meet my Nan....while we're in Holby? She has asked me to invite you.” Bernie stutters.  
“Of course. You've told me so much about her, that I need to see for myself, that she in fact exists.” She laughs.  
“Thank you.” Bernie whispers.  
“Okay, I'll buy our seat reservations tomorrow. I don't want to stand up all the way to Holby.” She raises an eyebrow and Bernie smiles at her.  
They get back to studying the nerve system. Of course they both pass the test.

“Finally. The holidays are here.” Serena screams, when Bernie enters her room with her travel backpack.  
“They have invated your room for weeks. I didn't know, that there could be so much ornaments in this small room.” She smirks and Serena slaps her arm.  
“Argh. You secretly love the ornaments.” Serena teases.  
“Are you ready? The train leaves in an hour and I don't want to be late.” Bernie asks impatiently.  
“Yeah. I just need some help to close my suitcase.” She points at it laying on the sofa bed. Bernie gets Serena to sit on it and by mutual efforts they succeed in closing the suitcase.  
Sitting close together in the crowded train, they both praising Serenas foresight, by buying their seat reservation early in december.   
“Surprise.” Bernie pulls a travel thermos and two cups out of her backpack.  
“You really know how to please a woman, if that's coffee.” Serena groans.  
“Bingo.” She answers and pours the coffee.  
“I know you can please women in other ways too, but I don't think it's appropiate to talk about that on a crowded train.” She leans in and whispers in Bernies ear. Bernie blushes as soon as she realizes what Serena is talking about.  
“I..I..erm....you...how...what?” Bernie stutters getting even more pink cheeks.  
“Don't worry. I won't tell anybody.” Serena laughs. “Thanks for the coffee.”  
“I was thinking. What do you think of meeting up on the pub tomorrow?” Bernie asks shy.  
“The pub. You don't mean that. Let's meet with some of my friends and hit the bars.” Serena interrupts.  
“But I don't know any of your friends.” Bernie says frightened.  
“They don't bite. You have to know them better first.” Serena giggles.  
“Stop it!” Bernie growls. Serena keeps on laughing.  
“Okay. Let's meet with your friends.” Bernie gives in.  
”We'll meet at mines. You know the address.” Serena ends the talk. Bernie pulls out a book and begins to read. Serena chooses to read one of her colourful gossip magazines.

An hour into the train ride Bernie senses how uneasy Serena has become.  
“You sit like you need to go to the loo, but you won't go, because it's a public one.” Bernie mutters still reading her book.  
“I'm bored.” Serena pouts.  
“What about your fancy magazines. Already read all the gossip?” Bernie teases.  
“Yeah. The lix index isn't that high in those magazines.” Serena sighs.  
“Want to play a game?” Bernie proposes.  
“Wait? Like I spy? I'm not a kid you know.” Serena acts like she's offended.  
“A bit. But it's a game I've invented myself. We pick out a person we see here in this wagon and then we tell stories about them. What's their occupation? How's their family? Do they have any animals etc.” Bernie explains.  
“Alrigt. You first.” Serena answers.  
“The man with the sixpence. He's a tailor by day, but lives the life at night as a wrestler. His alias is pointy needles. He's divorced because his wife found out he loves his cats more than her. They got no kids together. The wife won the cat in court.” Bernie tells with a smile.  
“Yeah. Right.” Serena grins.  
“Your turn now.” Bernie nudges Serena.  
“Okay. Let me see. I...hmm...I pick the brunette by the door. She works in a library. She's on her way home to her girlfriend and their two dogs. She's going to end their relationship because she's having an affair with a male colleague and now she's pregnant. She doesn't love the man. He only helped her to scratch an itch. Her girlfriend has been in America for six month, but she's home again. The girlfriend will pursuade her to stay together and raise the child together and they will live happily ever after.” Serena gloats. Bernie is speechless at first.  
“Wauw. Your stories are much better than mine.” She exclaims.  
“I know.” Serena raises her eyebrow. They play the game a while and the stories gets more and more colourful and unnatural.  
“Next stop will be Holby. Estimated arrival will be in 5 minutes. Travelers heading to London have to change train in Holby. The train will depart from platform 3 at 5.46pm.” They hear from the speakers.


	13. New exposures

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bernie meets Serenas parents

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for your comments and kudos

Bernie arrives at Serenas parents house the following day. She stands around the corner, smoking a cigaret. Thankful that she hasn't forgotten to buy peppermints. Serena has told her, that her mother despites smokers. She's too nervous to ring the bell. What if Serena has given her the wrong adress or what if she's not home and one of her parents answers the door? What if Serenas mother can smell, that she has smoken a cigaret and won't let her in? Far away in her thought the door opens.  
“Are you going to stand there all night, young lady?” A deep male voice rumbles. Bernie looks like a deer caught in the headlights.  
“Sorry. I...I...is..” Bernie stutters.  
“You must be Bernie. I'm George. Serenas father and bank.” He reaches his hand out to Bernie.   
“Yes. Hello Mr. McKinnie.” She shakes his hand.  
“Call me George. None of the other girls call me Mr. McKinnie. Come in. Serena is upstairs in her room. It's the second door on the right.” He continues. “Wait a minute. It's the first time you're here. You must meet my wife too.” He guides Bernie into the kitchen.  
“But..What?...” Bernie tries to protest. She hates this and wishes, that Serena had opened the frontdoor instead of her father.  
“This is my beautiful wife. She's like wine. She gets better the older she gets.” He laughs.  
“Oh. George stop teasing the girl. You can see, that she's fightened. Hello. I'm Adrienne. Lovely to finally meet you. Serena seems only to talk about you, when we talk on the telephone. Now, get upstairs. Please tell Serena that supper is ready in 15 minutes.” She shakes Bernies hand.  
“Thank you, Mrs. McKinnie.” Bernie answers.  
“Don't be so formal. We're not in the army. It's Adrienne. Eventhough it's nice to meet a well behaved young woman.” She nods at Bernie, before she leads her to the stairs. Serena appears on top up the stairs.  
“What's taking you so long?” She sees her parents and Bernie in the hall. “Dad, what've you done?”  
“Nothing, we're just welcoming Bernie to our home.” George answers innocent.  
“Daaaad.” Serena howls embarrassed. “Bernie come here and give me a hug.” Bernie walks upstairs, not looking back at Serenas parents. Serena takes her hand and pulls her into her room. When they're both inside, she gives Bernie a bonecrushing hug.  
“It's so good to have you here.” She sighs.  
“It's good to be here. Your dad's weird, but I think I like him.” Bernie holds Serena tight. “Your mum said supper is ready in 15 minutes. Where are the other girls?” She lets go of Serena.  
“They'll arrive later. After supper. I wanted you to meet my parents properly, without the usual suspects.” Serena smirks.

They eat supper without making Serena feel, that her parents are too embarrassing. Around 8pm the other girls arrives. It's Jessica, Nathalie, Katie and Rosie. They all go to Serenas room and drinks a couple of glasses of wine and dances to ABBA. Soon they're on their way to hit the town.  
“Bye, girls. Don't do anything I wouldn't do.” George yells after them.  
“You know we won't. Don't wait up.” Jessica yells back. They all snigger at her response.  
They go to “The willow bar”. It's a bar for young people. There's music and a small dancefloor, but the music isn't as loud as at the discotheque. Serena buys the first round. Shiraz of course. Bernie and Serena is squeezed together on the bench against the wall. Bernie enjoys the feeling of Serenas body pressed against hers. It grounds her. She's beginning to feel comfortable around the four other girls. She doesn't know if it's because of Serena, the girls or the alcohol.  
After a couple more rounds Bernie needs to go to the loo. Rosie follows her. It's a bathroom with two stalls. They do their business. Bernie is washing her hand, when Rosie stands next to her.  
“How long have you been in love with Serena?” She asks seriously.  
“What?” Bernie looks frightened at her. “I...I...”  
“Don't deny it. I'm like you. I'm a lesbian too. I recognize the signs. Forget it. She's unreachable. She's not into women. Trust me. I've tried. When we were at St. Winifreds, but she only took it as practice for the boys. I'm over her now. I was madly in love with her. Don't tell her. She doesn't know that.” She says calm.  
“How...why...I don't know. I can't deny it. I know she's straight. I'm trying just to be friends with her. I'm not as much in love with her as I have been.” Bernie stutters.  
“Wauw. You're fooling yourself big time. You can't take your eyes of her and when she flirts with some one else, you look as you could kill them with your bare hands.” Rosie burst out.  
“I'm really trying.” Bernie mumbles.  
“I know. Thank God Serena is blind. It would never occur to her, that you're in love with her.” Rosie tries to calm Bernie down by stroking her arm with her hand.  
“Thank you.” Bernie whispers and they both go back to the others.  
“Have you two been making out?” Nathalie teases.  
“No!” Bernie answers hard. She doesn't want Serena to think, that she would do that with one of her closest friends. She sits down next to Serena again.  
“They're only teasing you. Rosie has a girlfriend back in Manchester.” She lays a hand on Bernies thigh to calm her down.  
“Sorry.” Bernie whispers only loud enough for Serena to hear.

A few drinks later they enters the discotheque. It's loud and the dancefloor is filled with bodies squirming and dancing to the music. They find a table and Bernie walks to the bar to buy the next round. Wine for the girls and a beer for herself. She also buys a couple of bottles of water. Knowing that she and Serena needs to dilute the amounts of alcohol, they've already consumed, with water. She doesn't want them to have a hangover tomorrow, when Serena is going to visit her and Nan.  
“What's that for?” Serena points at the water with disgust.  
“It's to prevent a hangover. You're going to visit us tomorrow – remember?” Bernie says disappointed.  
“Yeah. Yeah. Alright.” Serena pouts and drink a third of a bottle of water. “Spoilsport.”  
“Oh. Stop it. I can't stand it, when you look at me that way.” Bernie says.  
“Let's dance. We need to burn some calories ” Serena takes her hand and pulls her out on the dancefloor. They dance without losing contact. Serena moves around Bernie in a very sexy dance. Before Bernie gives in, the music changes to “Dancing queen”. They do the dance rutine they always do to this number. The next number begins and Bernie goes back to their table. Serena dances with a man.  
“Who's that?” She asks Jessica.  
“Oh. It's Andrew. He looks different. More grown up. He doesn't look like a geek anymore. He even has muscles now.” She notes.  
“That's Andrew?” Bernie can't believe what's she's hearing. He doesn't look like Serena has discribed him at all. She's sure he visits a gym on weekly basis.  
“I don't know, what Serena ever saw in him.” Rosie mutters.  
Serena comes back to the table and sits down next to Bernie.  
“Can you believe, that was Andrew?” She shouts. Bernie doesn't want to hear more about Andrew. She rises and goes to another table and asks a brunette to dance with her. Bernie has seen, that she has observed her. They only get one dance before Serena interrupts them.  
“I want to go home now. We need some sleep before tomorrow.” She pulls Bernie away from the brunette and says goodbye to the other girls. Before Bernie can protest, they stand outside, waiting for a cab.


	14. New preparations

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for your comments and kudos

Sitting in the cab, Bernie can't stand the silence anymore.  
“What was all that about. You can dance with others, but as soon as I dance with someone else, you pull me away as a child, who has misbehaved.” Bernie asks frustrated.  
“As I said. It's late and we need sleep. We can't be having a hangover at your Nans tomorrow, you said it yourself.” Serena says cold. The cab stops outside Serenas home. Bernie pays the cabdriver. Her Nan only lives a couple of streets away. She has decided to walk from Serenas home to her Nans home. But she needs to talk to Serena first. There's something, that she's not telling her.  
“Serena wait.” Bernie grabs her by the wrist. “We need to talk.”  
“I can't.” Serena croaks. She's about to burst into tears.  
“Hey, what's wrong. Come here.” Bernie pulls her in for a hug. She can feel, that Serena cries.  
“Sorry. I think I've drunk to much to talk right now.” She sniffles into Bernies neck  
“Shush, shush. I'm here for you.” Bernie kisses her on the hair. “Let's get you inside.” Bernie helps Serena to bed after she has forced her to take two paracetamol and drink a glass of water. Then she walks back to her Nans.  
What's wrong with Serena? Why did she react that way? Does it have something to do with Andrew? Her head is spinning, full of questions, when she lets herself in. Her Nan is sleeping. She sneaks into the bathroom and gets ready for bed. She drinks a glass of water and goes to bed. She can't fall asleep. Her mind is occupied with thoughts. She still can't understand what's wrong with Serena. After what feels like hours she finally falls asleep.

“Good morning, my darling. Rise and shine.” Is the first she hears, when she wakes up. Her Nan sits beside her on the bed and strokes her hair and cheek.  
“G'morning.” Bernie groans.  
“It sounds as you had a great girls night. I've made breakfast. Plenty of coffee and crumpets. Homebaked.” She smiles at her grandchild.  
“Sounds delicious. I'll be there in a minute.” Bernie answers and her Nan leaves the room. Bernie needs to pee. She runs to the bathroom. She does her business and brushes her teeth, because she thinks her mouth taste like old cheese.  
“Nan, this smell really marvelous.” She says, when she enters the kitchen, still wearing her pajama.  
“Here's a cup of coffee, just as you like it. Now tell me about last night.” She says while she butters a crumpet for Bernie and lays it on her plate.  
“Well, there's not much to tell. We drank some wine and beer and danced the night away.” Bernie says, trying to hide her hurt feelings.  
“Did you meet any cute girls.” Her Nan asks interested.  
“No, not really. I mean, Serenas friends are great, but not girlfriend material.” Bernie explains.  
“They're not Serena?” Her Nan notes.  
“No. Yes. I mean..” She looks at her Nan.  
“You're in love with her. Am I right? For how long?” She asks soothingly.  
“Yeah. Since the first day I saw her. How do you know?” Bernie fidgets with her hands.  
“Because, you always talk about her on the phone and I've observed how you lights up, when you talk about her here.” She answers.  
“You're the second one who tells me that within 24 hours. I need to stop loving her.” Bernie whispers and looks down on her plate.  
“Why?” Her Nan uses a finger under her chin to make her look her in the eyes.  
“She's only interested in men.” Bernie gets tears in her eyes.  
“How do you know that? Has she told you that?” She continues.  
“She has only had boyfriends.” Bernie whispers.  
“But has she told you directly, that she's not interested in girls?” She questions.  
“I..I...She..well...erm...not quite.” Bernie mumbles.  
“There you see. Perhaps there's a chance after all. She could turn out to be your soulmate.” Her Nan almost sings.  
“Do you think that?” Bernie asks surprised.  
“Who knows? Eat up. You need to help me with grocery shopping. I don't know what Serena likes to eat and I want to sweap her feet away with my cooking.” She smiles wide at Bernie and gives her a kiss on the forehead, before she rises from her chair and begins to clean the kitchen.  
“Serena isn't picky. Your cooking always sweap my feet away. I've missed your cooking.” Bernie says and rises from her chair after finishing her crumpets. She gives her Nan her plate and cup, so she can clean them. She takes a dishtowel and helps drying the dishes.

They walk to the grocery store. Bernie is pulling her Nans shopping cart. She loves to do shopping with her Nan. She hates doing it alone and with every one else. Except from her Nan and Serena of course. Her Nan has a long list today, but she knows what she wants and where to find it. Eventhough they have to visit several shops, the grocery shopping goes smooth and efficient. They're almost done, when she discovers a new shop on the main street. It's a sewing shop. Serena sews most of her own clothes. From time to time she tells Bernie, what she needs to buy for her sewing kit or her sewing machine. Bernie wants to buy some of the things as a christmas present for Serena. She has it all written down.  
“Nan? Do you mind if I go into the sewing shop?” She asks  
“What do you need to buy there? Are you beginning to get creative?” Her Nan looks surprised at her.  
“No. I need to buy a christmas present for Serena. She sews her own clothes and I know for a fact, that there are a few things, that she needs for her next project.” Bernie smiles shy.  
“It's okay, Darling. I need some needles and thread too. Am I allowed to company you or do you want to do your christmas shopping alone?” She winks and smiles.  
“Nan! Of course you can do you shopping with me. It's not a secret, what I'm going to buy her. It's not a ring, that I'm buying.” Bernie grins.  
“Yet.” Her Nan teases.  
“I do love you, Nan, but right now you're a pain in my 'beep'” She laughs.  
“I know, my Darling. I'm just trying to keep you on your toes. I'll just say soulmates.” And she laughs too. They enters the shop and Bernie is lucky, that they have the things she need for Serenas present.  
“Can you wrap it as a present, please?” Bernie asks the woman behind the till.  
“Sorry Love, but we don't have any wrapping paper left.” She answers apologetic.  
“I'll wrap them for you. I don't believe, that you've improved your wrapping skill since last christmas.” She hears her Nan whisper in her ear.  
“Thank you.” She whispers back. The woman puts Bernies shopping in a paperback and apologizes once more.  
“Bernie, Darling. Are you finished with your shopping? We need to go home now, if the roast is going to be finished on time. I don't want to disappoint your dream girl.” She says.  
“Please stop teasing. I'm finished with my shopping. Let's go home. I'm freezing. Can I get a cup of cocoa later?” Bernie pleads.  
“Of course. My cocoa powder is getting old now you're not living with or near me anymore. You need to help me packing out the groceries first though. I'm behind my schedule, but if you help me with the groceries, I think I'll make it on time.” She turns away and walks quickly back home. Bernie is pulling the shopping cart, which is now filled with groceries and very heavy. Her Nan has taken her chance, because she knows that Bernie is stronger than her and won't protest against pulling the cart. She's a lovely grandchild. Never says no to helping her Nan.


	15. New questions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Serena doesn't remember everything from the night before

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for your comments and kudos

Serena is slowly waking up. Wondering why she isn't having a hangover. Then she remembers how she and Bernie had argued in the cap or was it Bernie yelling at her. The next thing she remembers is Bernie giving her a hug outside the house. Why was I crying? Serena tries to piece the night together in her head. At first they were at her house, then they were at 'The willow bar' and then the discotheque. They drank a lot, but Bernie kept on buying water for them too. She had met Andrew. He suddenly looked so grown up. He lifts weights three times a week now. He had told her himself. They had danced. It was kind of a goodbye. He has a new girlfriend, Maggie. Serena is sure she suits him better, than her. They agreed to stay friends. After the dance, when she came back to the tabl...  
“Serena, time to wake up. Lunch is ready!” Her mother yells from downstairs.  
“I'm awake. I'll be down in a minute. Need the loo.” She answers and goes to the bathroom. She looks in the mirror. Where's her make up. She doesn't remember cleaning her face bef.....Oh! Bernie helped her. Now she remembers. She had forced her to take paracetamol and a glass of water and then she had cleaned her face for her with make up wipes. She had helped her getting undressed and put on her pajama. Then she had helped her into bed and kissed her goodnight on her hair. Just like her mother used to do, when she was a little girl. It felt nice though.  
“Serena, are you coming down or have you fallen asleep again?” Her mother shouts.  
“I'm on my way.” She shouts back. She takes on her old robe and goes downstairs to eat.  
“You look beautiful, darling. Didn't drink much last night?” Her father smirks behind the newspaper.  
“Bernie forced me to drink water too.” Serena sighs.  
“Wauw, she has a good impact on you.” He teases.  
“Dad!” She slaps him on the arm, when she walks past him.  
“I heard you two coming home. Why didn't Bernie stay? The spare bedroom was ready.” Her mother asks.  
“Her grandmother lives just a couple of streets from here. She wanted to go back to her.” Serena explains. No need to tell about the tension between them, because she doesn't understand it herself. Bernie had yelled at her in the cab. All of a sudden Bernie was so helpful and cared about her. Made it her task to help her into bed. Serenas brain can't figure out the facts.   
“She's a lovely girl. How's your head today?” Adrienne questions.  
“Quite fine actually.” Serena says surprised.  
“She was right giving you the paracetamol and forcing you to drink water.” Adrienne continues.  
“How do you know about the pills?” Serena looks at her mother.  
“I heard you two in the bathroom and sneaked in to say goodnight. She asked me were we have the painkillers and I showed her. Don't you remember?” Adrienne asks concerned.  
“Erm..no.” Serena is confused now.  
“Then Bernie was right. That you was tired and had fallen asleep, while she had brushed your teeth.” Her mother says. “That's where I told her she could sleep in the spare room.”  
Serena stops listening to her mother. Her mind drifts away. What happened after her dance with Andrew and the cab ride home?  
“Stop interrogating our daughter Hon. Let her have some peace.” She suddenly hears her father say.  
“Thank you dad. By the way, I ran into Andrew last night. He has a new girlfriend.” Serena tries to change subject.  
“Yes, I know, Maggie. She's such a lovely girl. She's going to be a nurse, you know.” Adrienne babbles on.  
“You know? How?” Serena asks.  
“They were here for supper last week.” Her mother answers matter of factly.  
“What? Are you still seeing my ex boyfriend behind my back? I can't believe what I'm hearing.” She begins to get angry or is it jealouse?  
“Darling, I told you to tell Serena.” George interrupts.  
“Sorry, but he has become like a son to me.” Adrienne explains.  
“It's okay. I think he needs some extra family, with his ill mother and an absent father.” Serena mumbles. “I was just a little surprised.”  
She knows Andrews mother isn't mentally well and goes in and out of mental hospitals. His father had left them, when Andrew was 10 years old, because it was to hard for him to live together with a mentally ill wife.   
“Finish your lunch.” Adrienne says as an end to the conversation and Serena eats up.

After lunch Serena takes a long soak in the bath tub still trying to get her head around, what happened yesterday, that could make Bernie so mad. She had never raised her voice over Serena like that before. They had had their discussions before, but it was always over something they were studying. It's like her mind is blank, when she tries to remember what happened between the dance with Andrew and the cab ride. In the end she shakes her head. Letting it go. Believing that if it was something important Bernie will tell her or she will remember it in a day or two.  
She gets ready to visit Bernie and her Nan. She wants to walk there. Bernie has told her the directions and drawn her a map. Not needed though, but it's quite cute, considering that Bernie draws like a child in preschool. She giggles.  
“Mum, dad. I'm leaving now. If you need to contact me, I've left the phonenumber for Bernies grandmother by the phone.” Serena tells her parents in the livingroom.   
“Alright love. Have fun and behave.” Her father says.  
“I will - promise.” She answers.  
“Say hello to Bernie from us.” Her mother notes.  
“I'll do that mum. Have a nice evening.” And she's out of the door. It's freezing outside. She's sure they'll get snow soon. Perhaps not tonight, but soon. She loves the snow, as long as she can stay inside in a warm house. She loves to sit by the window and watch the snow falling, making a thicker and thicker layer on the ground until everything is covered with snow. She loves to listen to the silence, when the snow falls or after a blizzard.  
She suddenly stands in front of Bernies grandmothers house. Surprised how fast, she got there.   
She knocks on the door. Her knuckles only touch the door for a second before the door is ripped open. A voluminous smiling woman stands in front of her.  
“You must be Serena. You can call me Nan, just like Bernies other friends. Please come in. Let me take your coat. Bernie Love your friend is here.” She keeps on fussing over Serena.  
“You must be cold. Bernie and I have decided to get a cup of cocoa, would you like a cup too?” She asks Serena.  
“I'd love that Mrs. Cohen.” Serena answers, remembering, that she had promised her father to behave.  
“What've I just told you young lady? Call me Nan. Mrs Cohen is so oldfashioned.” She laughs loudly. Serena thinks her laugh is lovely. She now knows who Bernie had inherited her laugh from.  
“Hi, Serena.” Bernie greets coming down from upstairs. She stands behind her Nan with her hands in her pockets.  
“Don't stand there pumpkin, give your friend a hug, if you young people still do that nowadays and show her the house.” Her Nan continues. Bernie does as her Nan tells her to do.  
“Sorry” She whispers in Serenas ear, when she hugs her. Serena doesn't know what the sorry is meant for. Yesterday or her Nans behavior.  
“Come on, let me show you the house.” Bernie offers.  
“I'll make the cocoa then.” Her Nan states.


	16. New presents

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for your comments and kudos

“This is my room. Nan insisted on giving me that king size bed.” She shows Serena into her room.  
“Wow. Now I understand why you spread eagle, when you sleep. This bed is humongous.” Serena exclaims.  
“Yeah.” Bernie answers shy.  
“Come on down girls. The cocoa is ready.” Nan yells from the kitchen.  
Entering the kitchen they're met with the delicious smell of cocoa, cinnamon, homebaked cookies and the pot roast cooking on the stove. Immidiately Serena feels at home in Nans kitchen. The smeels, the warmth from the AGA, the hospitality, the comfort, the cozyness and most of all being there together with Bernie and her lovely Nan. It feels like a big comforting embrace.  
“You have a lovely home, Mrs. Co..sorry Nan.” Serena sighs happy.  
“Well, thank you, Love. I quite like it myself.” She answers and laughs loud. It makes them all smile wide.  
They sit down and enjoys the first sips of their cocoa.  
“Nan. You've done it again! Made the best cocoa.” Bernie licks her lips and moan.  
“It's very delicious. Now I understand what Bernie means, when she says, that nobody makes cocoa better, than her Nan.” Serena compliments.  
“Oh. Stop it. You're making me blush. Serena tell me about yourself. What do your parents do for a living. Bernie tells me, that your mother works too?” She continues.  
Serena teels her about her fathers accountant job. The office, where her mother is working as a part time secretary. She answers all the questions from Nan about her family and her life until she met Bernie.  
“I understand you're very good with a sewing machine. Bernie has told me about how you helped her with sewing curtains for her room. Do you sew other things than curtains.” Nan asks with great interest.  
“Yes, mam. I sew most of my own clothes. I have a job in a sewing shop outside campus. I've known Mrs. Knit all my life. My mother sews too and Mrs. Knits has always been her place to go to, when she needed supplies. We then made it a daytrip to visit Ms Claire – It's the woman who owns the place. She's one of my mums old school friends ” Serena looks proud.  
“Do you know, that there's a new sewing shop here in Holby. Bernie and I visited it earlier today.” Bernie kicks her Nan under the table. “I needed white thread and some other supplies.” She continues without revealing the real reason, why they went into the shop. Looking innocent at Bernie.  
“No. I didn't knew that. My mum must have forgot to tell me. She would definitely be the first in Holby to know. Maybe I have some time tomorrow to take a look. I need to do some last minute shopping anyway.” She replies.  
“Maybe your mother haven't told you about the shop, because your parents have bought a present for you in that shop and they don't want you to buy it yourself.” Nan proposes. Bernie looks at her Nan and mimes thank you to her.  
“Oh. I haven't thought about that.” Serena realizes. “Maybe I just take a look and don't buy anything.”  
“Who are you kidding? Yourself apparantly. You can't go into a sewing shop, without buying anything. It's impossible for you.” Bernie groans. Serena pretents to pouts back at her but can't stop smiling. Soon they're all laughing.

“Girls. Listen. The break is over. I need to continue the cooking, but I have a plead to you two. Could you please set up the tree and decorate it for me. Bernie, darling, you know where the ornaments are and the tree stands outside, at the backdoor.” Nan claps her hands two times as a sign to begin the task.  
“Of course, we'll do that for you Nan.” Bernie says cheerful. “Serena let's get the tree in first. The tree holder is already in the living room with the ornaments.”  
“Okay. Just tell me what to do.” Serena shivers. She has never been good on DIY and putting up a tree is very DIY for her. Fortunately Bernie almost puts up the tree alone. She only needs her to help preventing the tree from tipping over, when she puts on the tree holder. Now it's Serenas turn to be the expert.  
“You need to begin with the star on top.” She instructs and Bernie does as she's told and they continues with the ornaments.  
“Bernie you can't put those two ornaments next to each other. Their colours don't match well.” She takes a orange star away from Bernie.  
“What? I think they look fine together.” She looks surprised at Serena.  
“And here you have two ornaments in the same colour next to each other.” She continues and soon Serena has changed the places, where most of the ornaments originally was hung by Bernie.  
“It looks fabulous.” Nan gasps, when she enters the livingroom.  
“I don't see the difference. Why is it important if the colours match? You kills the fun about decorating the tree.” Bernie pouts.  
“Sorry. I can't help it. It's in my DNA.” Serena excuses to Bernie and strokes comforting cirkles on her back. Nan smiles seeing the affection between them.  
“I know, but I sometimes forget it.” Bernie turns around to face Serena. “Sorry for being so grumpy.”  
“You're forgiven. Truce?” She sticks out her hand.  
“Truce.” Bernie takes her hand and smiles. No one observes the smile on Nans face. She already knows a thing or two, that the girls don't realize or accept yet. She sneaks back into the kitchen.

After the delicious pot roast dinner, they drink tea in the livingroom. Nan sitting in her favourite armchair and Bernie and Serena sitting on the couch. It's a small couch, so their thighs are pressed together. Not that they complain. Bernie enjoys feeling Serena so close. She knows, that they still need to talk, but it seems, that Serena has forgotten some of the things, that happened last night. She still loves Serena, but as she's not into girls, she have to live with second best. Alex – the girl from last night could probably be a good second best. She's applying to study medicine from next summer. Bernie has seen her a couple of times in the coffee shop, where she works and last week she gave Bernie her contact details. She was surprised to run into her at the discotheque. It turns out, that some of her best friends live in Holby. All three of them sit without saying anything, just enjoying the warm glow from the fireplace and admireing the decorated tree. Bernie suddenly rises from the couch. Serena feels the loss of the warmth from Bernies body. She on her way upstairs, when she turns around in the doorway.  
“Don't follow me, I'll be right back. I just need to get something from my room.” She assures Serena calmly. She stays on the couch confused. Bernie is back within a minute with a gift in her hand.  
“It's for you Serena. I want you to unpack it now.” She hands Serena the gift.  
“Wait. I have something for you too.” Serena rises and walks into the hall. She picks the gift for Bernie out of her coat pocket and brings it with her back in the livingroom and hands it to her. Serena is the first to unpack her gift.  
“Thank you. Is that from the new sewing shop?” She gives Bernie a kiss on the cheek, when she nods.  
Bernie unpacks her gift. It's a keychain formed as a coffee cup.  
“Thank you. I love it. Now I know where to collect all my keys.” She smiles at Serena and gives her a hug. Nan smiles at them. Making her own conclusions about who loves who.  
“Time for bed for me.” Nan says and rises from her armchair. “You two girls, please stay and enjoy the fire. It was nice finally to meet you Serena. If you want, you can stay the night. Bernies bed is big enough for you both. Good night.”  
“Good night Nan. Thank you for the offer, but I've promised my parents to come home tonight. It was lovely to meet you too.” She smiles.  
“Good night Nan.” Bernie smiles.


	17. New escapes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for your comments and kudos

“I understand why you love your Nan so much.” Serena bursts out, when they are alone in the livingroom.  
“Yeah. She's my best friend beside you.” Bernie answers before she can think.  
“She's great. I wish my grandmother was more like her.” Serena continues. “By the way you're my best friend too.” She turns and looks Bernie directly in the eyes.  
“Thank you.” Bernie blushes and looks down on her hands.  
They sit about five minutes, just looking into the fire place.  
“I think it's time for me to go home now. I promised my parents to be home before midnight. Mum wants us to make an early start tomorrow. As you know, I do need my beauty sleep after last night.” She looks at Bernie and lays a hand on her thigh.  
“You don't need a beauty sleep. You're perfect, just as you are.” Bernie whispers difficult for Serena to hear. Serena goes to the hall to take on her coat and Bernie follows her to the door.  
“Thank you for the present. See you on the 28th. Merry christmas.” Serena says while giving Bernie a hug.  
“Merry christmas to you too and thank you for the keychain.” Bernie whispers into Serenas neck. The hug is a little longer than a normal hug, but it's still hard for them to let go.  
“Good night Bernie.” Serena lets go and walks down the garden path.  
“Good night Serena. See you soon.” Bernie stands in the doorway until she can't see Serena anymore. She closes the door, cleans up their tea cups and goes upstairs. Her head is spinning. She quickly gets ready for bed. When she enters her room, she throws herself on the bed, hiding her face in her pillow.  
“Stupid, stupid, stupid. Why did I say that? If I'm lucky, then she didn't noticed it.” She mutters to herself, not sensing her Nan entering the room, before she sits down on the edge of the bed.  
“Darling, what's wrong? What has made you so upset?” She strokes Bernies hair.  
“I don't want to talk about it.” Bernie whispers and begins to cry.  
“Is it Serena? Did she say something, that made you so upset?” She begins to caress Bernies back.  
“Nooooooo.” Bernie whines and curls into her Nans embrace. “She's so perfect and she can't see it herself. I said something that she ignored or maybe she didn't hear it, but....” Bernie sniffles into her Nans chest, while her Nan rocks from side to side very slow to calm Bernie down. She feels how she gets heavier and heavier in her arms and finally falls asleep. She tucks her in and goes back to bed.

Serena is confused. Did Bernie really say that? Her head is filled with questions. What does Bernie mean? Of course I need my beauty sleep. I'm not perfect. My ass and thighs are too big. I need to lose a stone or two. Why did Bernie say that I'm perfect? Was is an encouragement or what? Was she only nice to me? Soon Serena is back home. When she lays in her bed, she can't sleep. She thinks back on the time, that she has known Bernie. She feels like she has known Bernie longer, but it's only about four months. They've already been through a lot together and by summer they will rent a flat together. Their own flat. No more shared kitchen with other students. No more shared showers. In a flat she can shower without being disturbed. Maybe they can get a flat with a bathtub. Fantasizing about how she wishes their flat could be like, Serena falls asleep.

The next couple of days runs smoothly in both family homes. At the Cohen/Wolfe house, Bernie and her Nan has a wonderful christmas together. Bernie helps her Nan chop up the vegetables for their christmas dinner. They listen to christmas music, watch a couple of movies and enjoys being together. When Bernie has a little time alone, she thinks of Serena and how hopeless her love for her is. It's mostly, when she's outside smoking. Her Nan doesn't like the fact, that Bernie is smoking, but she can see, how much it makes Bernie relax.  
At the McKinnie house, Serena helps her mother with decorating the tree on the 24th. She helps her prepare the christmas dinner and all seems to be harmony in the house.  
On boxing day everything changes.  
“Serena, darling, I don't understand, why you don't want to be a GP. When you get married, you'll have better time for your husband and children. You'll even have time to visit the gym from time to time to keep your weight down.” Adrienne babbles on.  
“I don't want to be a GP. I want to be a surgeon. I've told you that a thousand times.” Serena bites her off.  
“Ever since you've met Ms. Wolfe you've become so headstrong. I mean it in a good way. I only want the best for you.” Her mother continues.  
“Bernie has NOTHING I repeat NOTHING to do with my decision about becoming a surgeon. I've wanted to be a surgeon as long as I've wanted to be a medic. IF I get married it will be with some one who respect my goals about my career. I don't want to be satisfied with second best. DO YOU HEAR AND UNDERSTAND WHAT I SAY MOTHER.” Serena shouts. She's so angry that she runs upstairs, before her mother has a chance to answer. She packs her suitcase and backpack and gets downstairs.  
“Serena, what are you doing?” Her mother asks disappointed. “You can't leave now.”  
“Yes, I can and I do. If you want to contact me I'll be at Mrs. Cohen until Bernie and I travels back to university the day after tomorrow.” She informs firmly. She looks quickly into the livingroom. “Sorry, dad, but I can't stay any longer. I'll call you when we're back on campus.” An urge makes her run to her dad and give him a hug. “I love you, dad.” She whispers to him.  
“Love you too, my darling.” He whispers back. She goes back to pick up her luggage in the hall and walks out of the door, without saying good bye to her mother.

Bernie and her Nan is sitting in the kitchen drinking a cup of coffee, when they hear knocking on the door. Bernie rises and opens the door.  
“S'rena.” She gasps. “What are you doing here?”  
“Can I stay here until we travel back?” She sniffles. Bernie finally realizes, that Serena has her luggage with her.  
“What happened?” She asks.  
“Bernie, love. Please invite Serena in. You let the heat slip out and Serena must be freezing too.” Her Nan yells from the kitchen.  
“Please come in.” She says and takes Serenas suitcase from her and places it in the hall. She helps her get rid of the backpack and takes her coat and hangs it up.  
“What happened?” She asks again.  
“I....I...”Serena begins to cry and lungs herself into Bernies embrace.  
“Shush, shush. I'm here for you. Of course you can stay here.” She whispers soothing in Serenas ear.  
“Hello, Mr. McKinnie. Yes, she's here.” They hear Nan answering the phone. “One moment, I'll ask if she wants to talk to you. No? Okay. I'll say that to her Mr. McKinnie. Yes....Yes. It's okay. Of course she can stay. You have a lovely girl. I understand. Yes. Happy holidays to you too. Say hello to your wife from me. Yes. I'll do that. I'm sure they both will come around. Goodbye.”  
Both Bernie and Serena look surprised at Nan, when the phone call ends.  
“Serena, it was your dad, he wanted to know if you had arrived and if it was okay for you to stay here. He wants you to know, that they both still love you and he's sure, that your mum soon will undersstand your priorities. Just remember she meant it well. He would love if you call them tomorrow, when the dust has settled.” Nan explains.  
“Okay. Thank you Mrs.....ehm I mean Nan. I'm sorry to show up here unannounced.” Serena stutters and looks down on her boots. Suddenly a little embarrassed over her own temper.  
“Come here darling and let me give you a hug.” Nan opens her arms and Serena let herself being drawn into a warm embrace and she begins to cry again, but this time it's tears of relief.


	18. New speculations

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for your comments and kudos

They sit on Bernies bed. Backs against the wall. Serena is cuddling a pillow into her chest.  
“What happened?” Bernie asks concerned, laying a hand on Serenas arm. Bernie isn't normally a tactile person. Except when she's with Nan and Serena. It's Serena who touches everybody, eventhough she doesn't know them.  
“My mum.” Serena whispers.  
“What did she do?” Bernie continues worried.  
“She kept on talking about, how much better it would be for me to be a GP instead of a surgeon. She...she said that I've...you...you. She blaimed you for changing my mind about becoming a GP. Eventhough I've always told her, that I don't want to be a GP. I've always wanted to become a surgeon. It's like she won't accept my choices. For her, the most important thing in the world, is for me to marry, get some kids and have time to take care of my family, the way she dreams of. She doesn't accept, that I have other dreams. It's much easier with my dad. Bernie, I was so angry. I couldn't stay there a second longer. I would've killed her.” She pauses and looks at Bernies hand on her arm.  
“Don't misunderstand me. I love my parents. That's why I had to leave. The things she said hurt me so much and she just couldn't understand, why I was angry at her. Well, I still am. Of course I'll call them tomorrow as your Nan suggested, but I don't think I will be calm enough to meet them, before we go back to uni.” She leans her head on Bernies shoulder, she looks at her clenched fist. When did she do that. It must be, when she talked about how angry she is at her mother. She begins to relax. Sitting her with Bernie is soothing for her.  
“Serena?” Bernie asks calm after a few minutes of silence.  
“Yeah?” She answers.  
“We need to talk about the other night.” She tries to stay calm.  
“What night?” Serena turns her head to look at Bernie.  
“The night at the disco.” She answers.  
“What do you mean? It was a lovely ni....oh, you mean the ending of the night. You were angry at me in the cab and then you helped me to bed.” Serena is confused.  
“It's mostly about, what happened before the cab ride.” Bernie tries to explain.  
“Yeah. I don't remember much. I was dancing with Andrew and then you and I took a cab home. That's what I remember.” Serena wants to remember, but she can't.  
“You're right. You danced with Andrew. I danced with Alex and you pulled me away. Insisted on, that it was time for us to go home. I was angry in the cab, because you didn't want to explain why you all of a sudden wanted to go home. I like Alex and I'd like to know her better. I think I was angry at you, because you pulled me away and I couldn't talk to her more that night. Sorry.” Bernie begins to fidget with her fingers.  
“Are you in love with her?” Serena whispers.  
“I don't know. I've only talked with her 2 or 3 times at the coffee house. And only for a few minutes each time.” Bernie sighs.  
“Do you want to be in love with her?” She asks.  
“I suppose so. She's nice.” She smiles at Serena. Hiding her true feelings. Alex can be a good second best, but she'll never be Serena.  
It suddenly all comes back to Serenas mind. Bernie dancing with a sexy brunette. Oozing of being an out lesbian. She remembers the jealousy, she felt, when she saw Bernie having fun with some one else.  
“Now, I remember. She's brunette, right? She looked nice.” She says, trying to hide her disappointment.  
“Serena, I...I....can we talk about something else? Let's forget about saturday. Okay?” Bernie mumbles shyly.   
“Mmh.” Serena hums.  
“Girls? Supper is ready.” Nan calls from the kitchen.  
Bernie and Serena both eat in silence. Nan tries to make conversation with them.  
“So pumpkin, do you and Serena have any plans for tonight?” Bernie just shrugs her shoulders.  
“Serena, what do you think, if I invite your parents for a cup of coffee tomorrow afternoon?” She asks.  
“I don't know. “ Serena mumbles.  
“What's wrong with you two? Here I try to make a nice conversation and all I get is silence or very short answers.” She exclaims.  
“Sorry, Nan. I just have a lot on my mind. I was pondering.” Bernie answers politely.  
“Yeah. Sorry. I'm just tired. Arguing with my mum took a lot of my energy. Your Shepherds pie tastes great, Nan.” Serena says.  
“Okay. Tonight is going to be a cozy evening – I suppose.” Nan concludes. Both girls nods.

A little later, all three of them is sitting in the livingroom, watching TV. Miss Marple on BBC. Nan finds the show thrilling, but Bernie and Serena don't pay much attention to the show. Both busy with their thoughts. Tonight they're placed close on the small couch again.  
I really want her to be happy and Alex can be the one to make it come true, but how's our time together going to be? Will she have time to see me too? Or will we only have time together in class? What about our plan about renting a flat together? Are Alex going to move in too or are they going to rent the flat without me? Serenas head is spinning. In the end she lets it go and enjoys the warmth from Bernies body pressed into hers, trying to find out what the show on TV is about.  
Why did I tell her about Alex? Now she thinks I'm in love with her. Sure I can never tell her about my true feelings, but I still love the dream. I don't want to lose her as my friend. She's so silent tonight. How do I explain it all, without revealing my feelings. I only want Alex as a friend, but if I can't be with Serena, she could be a good second choice. She's going to be a doctor too. She's an army brat like me and will understand my family. The difference is, that her parents supports her way of living as a lesbian. Bernie nibbles on her lower lip with her teeth.  
“You're putting too many thoughts into what's bothering you.” Nan whispers.  
“What?” Bernie shrieks and turn to her Nan.  
“Shush. She's sleeping.” Nan points at Serena.  
“Oh.” Bernie puts her arm around Serenas shoulders and she snuggles into Bernies chest. “I'll let her sleep a little before I wake her up.” She answers.  
“I think I'll call her parents now. She needs to talk to her mother. If they do it here on neutral grounds, I think it with go more smooth. Don't you think?” Nan asks.  
“You're right.” Bernie sighs. “I've heard her arguing with her mother once in her room on campus and more than once on the phone. Their relationship is complicated. Neutral grounds is a great idea.” Bernie smiles at her Nan.  
“Okay. I'll call them before it's too late.” And Nan walks into the hall to make the phone call.  
Bernie enjoys that Serena is snuggled up to her. What about tonight. Will she snuggle with me I bed too. Bernie knows the thought is dumb. They have shared a bed many times before and her bed here at Nans is bigger, than any of the beds they've shared until now.  
“The McKinnies will be here around 3 pm tomorrow. I hope it's alright. I don't want to wake her up and ask for her approval.” Nan informs. “You're right. She's beautiful. I'm off to bed. Goodnight darling” Nan says softly.  
“Thank you. It'll be okay. Goodnight Nan. I love you.” Bernie says calm.  
“Love you too.” Nan says and walks upstairs.  
“Serena? Wake up. It's time for bed and I need to tell you something.” Bernie strokes Serena back.  
“Mmmm. I'm tired. Bed sounds good.” She groans.


	19. New negotiations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The McKinnies visits Nans house

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for your comments and kudos

Serena goes upstairs, but Bernie chooses to clean up before she goes to bed. She folds the throw, she and Serena had over their legs. She checks the fireplace. Eventhough it's almost out, she places the protection shield in front of the fireplace. She puts their cups in the sink in the kitchen. She walks upstairs, where she meets Serena on her way from the bathroom to Bernies room.  
“Where do you sleep. Left or right?” She asks.  
“Ehm... to be honest...I...” Bernie stutters.  
“Of course you sleep in the middle.” Serena chuckles.  
“You're first. You choose. I don't care, which side I sleep on.” Bernie offers and she walks into the bathroom. When she comes back into her room, Serena is already under her duvet. She has chosen to sleep on the left side. Nearest to the wall.  
“I thought it would be nice for you to sleep on the rigth side. You'll probably wake up early. This way you can get out of bed, without waking me.” She smirks when she says the last part of the sentence.  
“Alright. Fair enough. If you keep on being so cheeky, I'll drag you out of bed very early and I'll force you to run 5 miles with me.” Bernie teases.  
“You'll never have the guts to do that. I'll kill you if you wake me up at 6.” Serena threatens.  
“Try me.” Bernie shrieks, when Serena throws a pillow after her. She quickly collect the pillow and gets into bed.  
“Goodnight Bernie.” Serena whispers.  
“One moment. I have to tell you, that Nan has invited you parents to come around tomorrow at 3pm. She wants you to talk with you mother on neutral grounds.” Bernie informs.  
“Okay. She might be right. I'll propaply say something bad, if I have to talk with her at home or over the phone. You know my temper.” Serena mumbles.  
“Goodnight Serena.” Bernie sighs. Within seconds Serena is asleep. Bernie can't sleep. She's afraid, she might do something during the night, that Serena can misinterpret. She's afraid, that she might cuddle into Serena or worse. It's something Serena would do, but it's normal for her. It's not normal for Bernie. She uses the silence to ponder. Hours later she finally falls asleep, with Serena snuggled into her chest. Her nose by her neck. Bernie finds Serenas small snuffles and her snoring cute.

Bernie can feel Serena getting more and more anxious, when it gets closer and closer to the visit from her parents.  
When the doorbell rings, she looks at Bernie with fear.  
“Don't worry. Me and Nan are here too.” Bernie tries to calm Serena by stroking her arm.  
“Hello, Mrs. McKinnie. Please come in. Hello Mr. McKinnie. Let me take your coats. Do you think we get snow today?” They hear Nan in the hall. “Serena and Bernie is in the livingroom.”  
“Hello Mrs. Cohen.” They say in unison and follows her. They greet Bernie. Serena gives her father a long hug. She gives her mother a quick hug. They all sit down. Serenas parents on the big couch and Nan in her armchair. Bernie and Serena sits down on the small couch, they already call their couch. Serena pours coffee to them all and Bernie offers cookies. They sit in silence for a few minutes.  
“How long have you lived in this lovely house, Mrs. Cohen?” George asks.  
“Oh, please call me Nan. All my friends call me that. I've lived here about 17 years. Since my husband died.” She explains.  
“Thank you. You can call me George. This is Adrienne.” He points at his wife.  
“Okay. I must say, you two have a lovely daughter.” Nan continues.  
“Thank you.” Adrienne answers.  
“I hear you've learned Serena to sew. Bernie has told me about her sewing new cutains for their rooms at university.” Nan tries hard to keep the conversation flowing.  
“Yes. I think it's important for a woman to be able to sew for her family. As a housewife she must have a series of skills. Sewing, cooking and cleaning as the most important ones.” Adrienne has talked herself warm. Serena sighs and looks at Bernie, who knows exactly, what Serena thinks about her mothers speech.  
“I agree, but it's important to have other skills too.” Nan interupts.  
“The most important task for a housewife is to take care of her family.” Adrienne says firm.  
“What if Serena wants to have a career. It's so modern now, that women have careers beside their family.” Nan asks.  
“Well...” Serenas mother begins.  
“What if I want a career before I find a husband and get children?” Serena suddenly asks.  
“Darling, that's not what I've brought you up to do.” Her mother answers with disgust.  
“I know, but you have to understand, that I have my own dreams. Me being a housewife and having a family is your dream.” Serena tries to explain.  
“Nan. I would love you to show me the rest of the house. I think the two of them can handle it alone now.” George says.  
“I'd love to do that. Bernie can you please make me a cup of chamomile tea. My stomach doesn't like coffee today?” She tells her granddaughter. Bernie knows what Nan is trying to do. She looks at Serena, asking her with the eyes, if she's okay or if she wants her to stay. Serena nods her okay.  
“I hear, what you say, but I don't understand, why you're so determant to get a job with long working hours at all times of the day, when you can have a stable dayjob as a GP.” Adrienne sighs.  
“Mum. I'll tell you this one more time and I expect you to try to understand. My biggest dream is to be a surgeon. It has been since I found out, that I want to study medicine. Being a GP sure can be a good job, but it's not my dream. I know, that most surgeons are men, but I'd love to change that. I know I'll be a good surgeon, because I'll work hard to be that. Being a GP isn't my goal. I want a family in the future, but I want to marry someone who accepts my career choice.” Serena tries to be as calm as possible. She knows if she begins to yell, her mother won't listen to her.  
“Okay. I'll try to let you do your thing, but I...” Adrienne mumbles.  
“But what? You can't wait to see me in a job as a GP, so you can say 'I told you so. I always know, what's best for my daughter'.” Serena sneers. “I'll tell you something mum. That will never happen.”  
“Okay. I think I'll find your dad. It's time for us to go home.” It's Adriennes way to say, that this conversation is over. Serena is relieved. Bernie comes back into the room with Nans chamomile tea. She gets eye contact with Serena. Serena tells her with the eyes, that she's okay. Adrienne rises and walks out of the room.  
“George? I think it's time for us to go home now.” She says loud enough for all in the house to hear.  
“Okay, darling.” George and Nan comes down from upstairs and George walks into the livingroom. “Serena honey. It was lovely to see you before you go back to university. This is for you and Bernie. Buy a nice bottle of champagne or what you like for New years.” He presses some money into Serenas Hand before he gives her a hug and kisses her on the cheek. “ I love you darling. Save travels tomorrow.”  
“I love you too, dad. Thanks for the money.” Serena says.  
George turns to Bernie and shakes her hand. “Goodbye Bernie. I'm happy, that Serena has a lovely friend in you.”  
“Goodbye. I'm happy to be her friend.” Bernie blushes.  
“George, are you coming?” Adrienne stands in the doorway with her coat on.  
“Yes.” He answers and walks out of the room.  
“Goodbye Adrienne and George. It was lovely to meet you both.” Nan greets when Serenas parents walks out of the house and she closes the frontdoor.  
“Are your mum always so uptight?” She asks Serena, who begins to laugh.  
“Normally she's much worse.” She can't stop laughing. Relieved, that the visit is over. She opens her hand to find out, how much money her dad have given her. She can't believe what she sees. He has given her £500. It must be a mistake. She waits 10 minutes and calls her parents. Luckily it's her dad, who answers.  
“It's not a mistake. You've deserved the money.” He says and ends the call. Serena stands astonished with the phone in her hand.


	20. New struggles

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for your comments and kudos

Bernie and Serena is laying in bed. It's almost midnight. Eventhough the bed is a king size bed, they lay close together.  
“It has been a strange day.” Serena whispers.  
“Yeah.” Bernie confirms.  
“I was so scared, that my mum would make a scene.” Serena continues.  
“Luckily it went well.” Bernie says calm. “Let's get some sleep.”  
“Mmm.” Serena mumbles and sneaks to hold Bernies hand. Seconds later she's asleep with her head on Bernies shoulder.  
Why is she doing this to me? It hurts to be so close to her. I love her so much, but I need to forget my feelings. I can never be more than friends with her. Oh, Serena, why can't you be a lesbian? Bernie, stop that thought. Maybe if I move a little further to the edge of the bed and stop holding her hand. Bernies head is spinning. She tries to roll Serena over and away from her, but as soon as she lets go, Serena rolls back and snuggles into her neck. She tries to retract her hand, but Serena just squeezes her hand harder.  
Bernie doesn't get much sleep that night. Too many questions and dilemmas in her head.  
Around 6am she wakes Serena by stroking her arm..  
“Mmm. What?” She groans.  
“I need the loo” She whispers. “Be right back.”  
“Mhm. Okay.” Serena mumbles, she lets go of Bernies hand and lets her get out of bed. Bernie doesn't need the loo, but she needs space. She goes to the bathroom and puts on her running gear. She writes a note to her Nan.  
“Nan! Out running. Bx”

She's back from her run an hour later. Frustated that the run didn't help her. She wanted to tire herself and run away from her thoughts. Little had it helped. When she enters the house, she releases a loud frustrated groan.  
“What's wrong pumpkin.” She hears her Nan ask from the kitchen.  
“Nothing.” She answers and walks into the kitchen.  
“Liar.” Nan says firm and looks at her.  
“Yeah. Nan? Is it possible to be so much in love, that it hurts?” She asks and fidgets with her fingers.  
“I don't know. Are we talking about you-know-who?” She says calm and nods her head in a upward direction to indicate Serena.  
“Mhm.” Bernie confirms.  
“I assume you haven't talked to her about it or asked her if she's into girls too?” Nan says soothingly.  
“I haven't found the right moment yet.” Bernie whispers.  
“Trust me, there will never be 'A right moment'.” Nan continues and Bernie looks frightend at her.  
“I don't know how to breach the subject.” Bernie mumbles.  
“Do you want me to ask her?” Nan suggests.  
“NO!” Bernie shrieks.  
“Okay. I surrender.” Nan holds up her hand in front of her.  
“I...I...I'll talk to her. But... but...not now. Okay?” Bernie stutters. “I want to wait until the new year.”  
“Wait with what?” They hear from the hall. Serena coming downstairs.  
“Nothing.” They both say in unison.  
“Now I know you two have a secret.” Serena smirks. “It's not my birthday until april.”  
“I'll remember that.” Nan says.

The travel back to university is uneventful. Both nods off on the train. Back on campus Bernie wants to be alone.  
“Thank you for a pleasant time in Holby.” She says.  
“You're welcome. I'm happy, that I could crash by you and your Nan.” Serena says and kisses Bernie lightly on the cheek. “See you soon”  
“Yeah. See you soon.” Bernie answers and walks back to her room, her cheek still tingeling after the touch from Serenas lips.

It's new years eve. Bernie haven't seen much to Serena the last couple of days. She needed a break away from her. She needed to sought out her feelings. They're both invited to a big New years eve celebration together with Jen and Patsy. The four of them have planned to eat together in Jens room before they go to the party.  
Bernie hears a knock on the door and then a key in the lock. It's Serena. They've each others spare key.  
“Happy new year.” Serena greets.  
“Hap...” Bernie loses the ability to speak, when she sees Serenas dress. It's a formfitting black dress. It's perfect. It shows all Serenas beauty.  
“Are you ready?” She asks.  
“You look beautiful.” Bernie whispers, hard for Serena to hear. “I'm ready.” She answers a little louder.  
They eat their dinner, talking about Holby, Bernies Nan and what Jen and Patsy have done over christmas.  
“Were you two out of bed at all?” Serena smirks.  
“Of course. We had to eat too.” Patsy laughs.  
“We were ice skating.” Jen tells.  
“I love ice skating.” Bernie sighs. “Let's go together soon.”  
“Only if we all go.” Patsy answers.  
“That'll be a tough one, because Serena hates exercise.” Bernie mutters.  
“Hey. I do exercise, but only for my pleasure. I think you all know, what I'm talking about.” Serena protests and Bernie blushes. Jen wonders if something happened between Bernie and Serena during the holidays. Bernie acts like a wounded animal.  
“Bernie could you help me with the dessert?” Jen asks.  
“Yeah. Sure.” Bernie nods and rises from her chair to follow Jen.  
“What has happened between you and Serena?” Jen interrogates, when they're alone in the kitchen  
“Nothing.” Bernie whispers.  
“And you wanted something to happened?” She continues.  
“Yeah. No. I don't know. “ Bernies groans.  
“Okay. Tell me. I can see something is wrong.” She demands.  
“We slept in my bed at my Nans. The last two nights, before our travel back here. In her sleep, Serena snuggled into me. It was a wonderful feeling...” Bernie begins.  
“But?” Jen says.  
“It felt so wrong, that I enjoyed her being so near to me, when she doesn't know how I feel about her.” Bernie explains.  
“That you love her?” Jen claims.  
“Yeah.” Bernie moans. Jen lays a hand on her arm, to show Bernie, that she understands her struggle.  
“I've been in love with a straight girl too.” She says calmly, without telling Bernie, that she has her own theory about Serenas sexuality.


	21. New Years Eve

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for your comments and kudos.
> 
> Please don't hate me for the end of this chapter

After eating their desserts, they walk to tonights venue. Serena is slightly drunk already and sneaks her arm into Bernies arm hook. Bernie let her do it. It's a big party night after all. The party has already begun, when they arrive. Around 50 people are on the dancefloor and a couple of dusins sits at small tables around the dancefloor. The bar is in the far end of the place.   
“We'll find a table for us. You two can get the booze.” Serena yells to Patsy and Jen.  
“Alright. Please find a table near the bar. I want to get smashed tonight.” Patsy answers.  
“Great idea. Me too.” Serena confirms.  
“Come on.” Bernie pulls Serena with her to a table 10 feets away from the bar.  
“Oj. What's your hurry?” She burst out.  
“Is this table okay for Madame?” Bernie smirks.  
“Oui. I'm verrry satisfied. Now I just need to find someone to scratch the itch. I really need it tonight.” She laughs. Bernie blushes and rolls her eyes. Silently wishing she could be the one, but simultaneously cursing, that she can't stop thinking of Serena that way.  
Patsy and Jen are back with some very colourful drinks.  
“I want to taste every cocktail from the bar tonight. I've payed for alcohol ad libitum all night and I intend to get what I've payed for.” Patsy shrieks when she gives Bernie and Serena their cocktails.  
“I'm game.” Serena swallows her drink. Bernie doesn't like cocktails and sneaks off to find a beer.  
“You're Bernie right?” She hears a man ask.  
“Yeah. I can't lie about that. I don't think I know you.” She answers, while looking at the man standing in front of her.  
“Oh. Sorry. I'm Marcus. Marcus Dunn. We're in the same class. I...I've wanted to intruduce myself a dusin of times, but you're always busy with something together with your friend. And I didn't want to interrupt you.” He blushes slightly and points at Serena.  
“Nice to meet you.” Bernie shakes his hand.  
“Do...do you want a drink?” He stutters.  
“If you offer me a beer I'll be happy to accept.” Bernie groans.  
“Oh. Okay. Wait here. I'll be right back.” Marcus rabbles off, not believing his luck. Two minutes later he's back with two beers.  
“Thank you. You're an angel.” Bernie remarks.  
“You're welcome.” He smiles back at her. They drink their beer in silence.  
“I need to go back to my friends, before they send out a search party. Thank you for the beer. See you around.” Bernie apologizes.  
“Yeah. See you around.” Marcus answers disappointed.

Serena is dancing very seductive with a man. Bernie is getting more and more frustrated. She doesn't like the way he grabs Serena. She knows who he is and the rumurs about him. It's Edward Campbell. He's a womanizer. He's only interested in getting them into bed. If he's in a relationship with a woman, you can be sure, that he has one or two women on the side. Serena sadly doesn't listen to rumurs. If a man shows interest in her, she'll forget everything about being rational. Bernie can feel her anger boiling inside her. Or is it jealousy? She can't look at this anymore. She walks outside to smoke. It always calms her down and helps her think.  
“Do you share?” She hears a woman next to her say. She turns around and sees, that it's Alex.  
“Hi. Of course.” She offers Alex a cigaret from a crinkly packet, but Alex takes the litted cigaret Bernie has between her fingers, drags and gives Bernie the cigaret back.  
“I'm not a regular smoker. I only need a drag or two.” She whispers and blows the smoke out.  
“Oh.” Bernie takes the cigaret to her lips and inhales.  
“Where's you regular appendix?” Alex asks.  
“What do you mean?” Bernie asks curious.  
“The brunette. Samantha or what's her name?” She explains.  
“Serena. Her name is Serena. She's inside dancing. I just needed some fresh air.” She answers and shows the cigaret.  
“Aren't you together?” Alex is confused. “A couple.”  
“No. She's only into men.” Bernie sighs.  
“But I thought....When she draged you away from our dance. I...I... thought it was because she was jealouse.” Alex stutters.  
“I don't know, why she did that.” Bernie shrugs her shoulder.  
“You two look so comfortable with each other. In a symbiotic way.” Alex continues.  
“Well, we're not a couple.” Bernie stamps out the cigaret.  
“But you want to?” Alex looks her in the eyes.  
“Why are all the people I know, so interested about my friendship with Serena? Because friendship is all, there is between us.” Bernie feels the anger rising.  
“Because...” Alex begins and then she kisses Bernie. Bernie doesn't know how to react. She turns away from Alex.  
“I can't. Sorry.” She whispers with tears in her eyes.  
“You love her. I see that now.” Alex strokes Bernies back to calm her down.  
“It's hell. Right now, she's dancing with the greatest womanizer on campus. I know the rumurs, but she doesn't listen to that. And....she's already to drunk to listen to me. I know for a fact, that she want sex tonight, but it mustn't be with him.” Tears are running down Bernies cheeks now.  
“Shush, shush. You just have to stop him.” Alex proposes.  
“But how?” Bernie sniffles and wipe away her tears.  
“Well, the way she draged you away from me was very effectful.” Alex claims.  
“I can't drag her with me. I'll look like I own her.” Bernie mutters.  
“Why not? You just need the right excuse.” Alex suggests.  
“Thank you.” Bernie gives Alex a light kiss on the cheek and walks back inside.

Serena is still dancing with Edward. They're now dancing very close. If they didn't had any clothes on, they could be having intercourse in the middle of the dancefloor. That's how close they're dancing. Bernie can't bear the sight. She marches directly to Serena. Grabs her wrist to get her attention.  
“Darling, I'm dancing with Serena right now.” Edward proclaims.  
“Serena, I need to talk to you.” Bernie pleads. Looking at Serena with her puppy eyes, knowing that Serena can't decline.  
“Sorry Edward. My friend needs me. I'll be back soon.” Serena says slurred, kisses him on the cheek and follows Bernie outside.   
“What's so important?” Serena asks harsh. “I was enjoying his company.”  
“He's not right for you.” Bernie explains.  
“Why? He's charming and fun.” Serena begins to get angry.  
“He's not interested in you. He's only interested in getting you into bed.” Bernie tries to calm her down.  
“What if that's the same for me? I don't want a relationship. I just want a shag.” Serena screams.  
“Shush. Please don't scream at me.” Bernie holds her hand over Serenas mouth for a second.  
“Then don't tell me what to do.” Serena huffs and looks at Bernie. She suddenly realizes, that Bernie has tears in her eyes and she gets concerned. She lays a hand on Bernies cheek and Bernie leans into it.  
“I...I...can't let you do that. You being another notch in his bedpost.” Tears are running down her cheeks. Serena now holds Bernies head in both her hands. She doesn't know, what makes her do, what she does, but Bernie leans forward and kisses Serena softly. She's about to pull back, when she feels, that Serena is kissing her back. Bernie can't determine if the fireworks are above them or inside her body. She just keeps on kissing Serena.  
No, no, no, her brain screams. Yes, finally, her heart aches. Bernie pulls back. She lets go of Serena, turns around and walks away.


	22. New hideouts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Serena runs and Nan is right

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for your comments and kudos

“Bernie? Bernie! Wait. Stay. Please. Come back.” She hears Serena yell. She can't stop now. It's all wrong. Serena is drunk and this is just a drunken mistake. Bernie turns around a corner and begins to run. Back in her room, she packs her backpack and leaves. She knows, that Serena will be looking for her. She can't face Serena right now. She uses her key to the coffee shop and hides in the room in the back of the shop. There's a small couch, a table and a couple of chair. It's the room, where the staff has their breaks. She doesn't know, what her plan is, but she needs time away from Serena.  
For the first time since she graduated from St. Winifreds, Serena runs. She tries to catch Bernie, but it's to late. She knows, that Bernie propably won't answer the door if she knocks, so she takes the time to get back to the party to get her purse with the spare key to Bernies room. She couldn't have the key in her bra today, because her dress didn't allow her to wear a bra. When she's back on campus, she runs to Bernies room and unlocks the door.   
“Bernie, Bernie. Where are you?” She screams. She feels deeply devastated, when she realizes, that Bernie's gone. She throws herself on the bed and sobs into Bernies pillow. She feels a hand on her back.  
“Serena? What happened?” She hears Jens calm voice.  
“I...I...We...I...She....gone.” She cries.  
“Shush. Try to calm down first.” She continues to stroke Serenas back.  
“She kissed me. We kissed.” Serena sniffles.  
“Okay. Try to tell me what happened from the beginning and until now.” Jen says calmly. Patsy hands Serena a cup of hot tea. She sits up and dries her eyes with the back of her hand.  
“I..I was dancing with Edward.” She begins,  
“Edward Campbell? You need to stay away from him.” Jen exclaims.  
“I know. Please listen. I don't think I can tell it twice.” She whispers. Patsy gives her the sign to continue.  
“Bernie came to us on the dancefloor and asked to talk to me. Her eyes were all puffy. I must admit, I was angry at first. I had fun with Edward. I really wanted to have sex with him tonight, but now I'm relieved that Bernie pulled me away from him.” She sighs.  
“And then..?” Jen asks.  
“We argued about Edward, when we got outside. She began to cry. I tried to calm her down and then she kissed me. I was chocked at first, but then I kissed her back. It felt so right. I'm so confused. Maybe I'm too drunk to know how I feel. I've never been more than friends with a woman. I...I....think...I...No. I can't be. I really need to talk to Bernie. I really need to know if she's alright. I need to know where she is. Maybe Nan knows.” She tries to stand up, but her head spins too much and she lets herself fall back on the bed. “I need her.”  
“Serena. I think it's best for you to get some sleep. Patsy and I will help you to find Bernie tomorrow, if she's still gone. Okay?” Jen strokes Serenas back again.  
“I..I..Sorry...I'm a drunken mess...I suppose you're right.” Serena groans, before she holds a hand in front of her mouth and runs to the toilet and begins to throw up.  
“Look.” Patsy shows Jen a note she found stucked under the door to Jens room.  
“Jen + Patsy! Please take care of Serena. Need time & space to think. B” Is all the note says.  
“I didn't want to show it to you, while Serena was next to you.” She whispers. Serena comes back into the room. She doesn't sense the presence of the two other women anymore. She takes her dress off and crawls under the duvet. The women observes, how Serenas body begins to shake, when she begins to cry again.  
“Good night, Serena. I hope you'll get some sleep.” Jen mutters before she closes the door behind her and Patsy. They go back to Jens room.  
“I'm going to find Bernie tomorrow. She needs to know, how heartbroken Serena is,” Patsy claims.  
“No. They both need some time. I do hope, they work it out, but we can't pressure Bernie. It'll only make her run futher away.” Jen states. “ Come on. Let's go to bed too.”

It's early in the morning. Bernie is on her way to Holby. Around 10am she lets herself in. She hears her Nan in the kitchen. “Nan, it's me. I...” She begins.  
“I know darling. The phone hasn't been silent the whole morning.” Nan enters the hall and gives Bernie a soothing hug. She crumbles in Nans arms and begins to cry.  
“I'm going to lose her.” She says between her sobs.  
“Shush, pumpkin. I'm sure, it's going to be alright. She was the first to call this morning.” Nan says calm, strokes Bernies hair and kisses her on the forehead, before the phone rings. Bernie looks at her like a deer caught in the headlights.  
“Don't worry, I won't tell her, that you're here. I'll wait until you're ready.” Nan whispers before she answers the phone.  
“No, she's not here. Okay. Well she called me earlier to wish me a happy new year. Yes. She didn't say anything about that. No. Yes. I'll call you if I hear from her or see her. Yes. I promise. Bye Serena and happy new year to you.” Nan hangs up. Bernie has shifted to sit in the kitchen. Holding her head in her hands. She's still crying and mumbling the same thing over and over again. “ Stupid, stupid coward.” Nan lays a hand on her back to let Bernie know, that she's there.  
“Let me make you a cup of cocoa and something to eat.” She proposes.  
“I'm not hungry. A coffee is fine.” Bernie sniffles.  
“Oh pancake. Tell me what happened.” She suggests.  
“I...can't...not yet.” Bernie stutters.  
“I don't believe you. You've had the most of the night and the train ride to think it all through. The way I know you, you're now blaiming yourself about what happened. You've played the scenario over and over inside you head. So tell me.” Nan hands Bernie a steaming hot coffee.  
“I hate, that you know me so well. I love you though.” Bernie takes a sip of the coffee.  
“I know darling.” Nan answers. Bernie stays silent for a few minutes.  
“Do you want the long or the short version?” She finally asks.  
“Just the version, you're comfortable enough to tell me.” Nan answers,  
“We had a row, because of a man, she was dancing with. He's bad. A womanizer. He only wants to get into bed with her. I couldn't hold back my tears. She wanted to comfort me. I kissed her. She kissed me back. I enjoyed it too much. It was wrong. I ran away.” She babbles out fast with tears running down her cheeks.  
“Why do you feel it was wrong? You say, that she kissed you back.” Nan asks confused.  
“She was drunk. I'm certain, that she doesn't feel the same way about me, as I feel about her.” Bernie mumbles.  
“You need to go back and talk with her.” Nan says, while Bernie begins to protest. “You can protest as much as you like, but you know, that I'm right.”  
“Yeah. Okay, but..” Bernie begins.  
“No buts. Time for you to get some sleep. Your bed is freshly made. Up you go.” Nan shushes her up the stairs. “I'll bring you a hot cup of cocoa. It has always helped you, to fall asleep.”   
“Thank you, Nan.” Bernie kisses her on the cheek and goes into her room.  
“Here you are. Get some sleep, darling.” Nan expresses, when she enters Bernie room a few minutes later. Bernie already half asleep.  
“Please, don't tell Serena, that I'm here. It's okay, for Jen or Patsy to know.” Bernie mumbles.  
“Only, if you promise me to go back and talk to Serena.” Nan sighs.  
“Promise.” Bernie groans before she drifts away in a sleep full of dreams about Serena.


	23. New rules

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for your comments and kudos

Why is she hiding from me? What have I done wrong? She has been so distant since we got home from Holby. Why did she kiss me? Do I love her for real or was it the alcohol? She kissed me and then she ran away. What have I done, what have I done? I really need to find her. There's not many places for her to ran to. I'm sure, that she's going to her Nans. She won't go back to her parents. I need to talk to her. We need to figure out, what this is. What are we now? Friends? Girlfriends who kiss? Lovers? No, we can't be. Maybe in the future? Maybe not? Have I ruined our friendship by kissing Bernie back? It was a wonderful kiss though. Bernie is a great kisser. Don't go down that road now Serena, she scolds herself. I need to talk to a friend right now, but I can't talk to my best friend, because she has eloped. Serenas head is spinning with questions. I need to call Nan again. Maybe Bernie has finally arrived. Serena walks down to the pay phone in the hall and calls Bernies Nan for the third time that day.  
“Hello.” She hears after what seems to be minutes of endless ring tones.  
“Hello Nan. It's Serena again. Have you heard from Bernie? I really need to speak with her after last night.” She bursts out.  
“No. I haven't seen or heard from her since your last call. Sorry” Nan sounds tired.  
“Okay. Can you please tell her to call me back if she shows up?” Serena asks disappointed.  
“Wait! Tell me what happened. I need to be prepared, when she shows up. And I'm sure she will.” Nan encourages her. Silently praying, that Bernie won't wake up, before she has finished talking with Serena.  
“I...We...” Serena goes silent.  
“Come on, Love. You can tell me everything. I won't tell Bernie.” Nan says calmly.  
“Okay. Ever since we came back from Holby, Bernie was distant to me. She wanted to be alone. Last night was the first time, that we were together in the same room again. We ate dinner with two friends. We all went to the party here on campus.” Serena takes a break.  
“And?” Nan asks patiently.  
“I was dancing with a man. Bernie suddenly shows up next to us and wants to talk. We went outside and we were having a row. She had tears in her eyes and I tried to calm her down. Then she kissed me.” Serena sniffles now.  
“Okay. What did you do? Did you like it? Was she drunk?” Nan asks soft.  
“Bernie wasn't drunk. She hadn't drunk much all night. Yeah. I liked it. I even kissed her back. And then she ran away.” Serena sighs hurt.  
“Do you love her?” Nan continues with interest.  
“No, yes, maybe. I don't know. I've never thought about Bernie in that way before. I've always had male partners. Nan, I'm so confused. I don't know how I feel.” Serena groans.  
“Oh, sweetheart, I think both you and Bernie needs time to think. Time to sought out how you feel. I'll talk to Bernie. I can't lie anymore. She's here, but she needs space right now.” Nan tries to comfort Serena.  
“But why.....?” Serena whispers.  
“Just give her time. I'll promise she'll find you, when she's ready.” She assures her soothingly.  
“O...okay. Bye.” Serena hangs up.

A few days later Bernie lets herself into her room. She's not prepared of the sight, that's meeting her. Serena's sleeping in her bed. She has forgot all about the spare key. She needs to get it back. Why is she here? She sneaks out of the room again and knocks on Jens door. Jen invites her in.  
“Bernie, you're back. Have you talked to Serena?” She asks.  
“No. Why is she sleeping in my bed?” Bernie wonders.  
“She has been there, crying out her heart since she came looking for you on new years eve. Don't do that against her again, please.” Jen pleads.  
“I..I...How can....I...I...lo....I'm so confused Jen. She kissed me back. I'm sure it's because she was drunk. I took advantage of the situation.” Bernie whispers.  
“I think you should let Serena be the judge of that.” Jen claims.  
“But..” Bernie begins to protest.  
“No buts, just talk to her. Here, bring her a cup of coffee, that'll wake her up.” Jen gives Bernie two cups of hot coffee and shoves her out of the door. Bernie goes back to her room. She sits down on a chair with her coffee in her hand. She has placed the other cup next to the bed on the floor. Now she waits for Serena to wake up.  
“Is that coffee, I can smell?” Serena mumbles.  
“Strong and hot, just like you want it.” Bernie answers motionless.  
“BERNIE! You're back!” Serena jumps out of bed and wants to hug Bernie, but she holds out her hands in front of her, stopping Serena.  
“We need to talk.” She states firmly.  
“I know.” Serena whispers and sits down on the edge of the bed, picking up the cup on the floor.  
“We can't deny, that our chemistry is great, but..” Bernie begins.  
“But what?” Serena is eager to hear, what Bernie has to say.  
“We need to spend less time together.” She continues.  
“Why?” Serena is confused.  
“And I want my spare key back.” Bernie looks down on her feet.  
“I don't understand. Why?” Serena cries out.  
“I want to be your friend, but I need my space too. If you have my spare key, I can't be sure to be alone, when I want to be.” Bernie hears Serena sniffle, but she can't look at her.  
“I'm...I'm...” Serena is speechless.  
“Let's forget the kiss. You were drunk. It was new years. Let us be friends like, when we met.” Bernie pleads.  
“What about the flat?” Serena whispers after a minute.  
“The flat?” Bernie finally looks at Serena.  
“Yeah. The one we talked about. No more sharing kitchens and baths.” Serena says hopeful.  
“Oh. We can still do that. If you want?” Bernie says calm.  
“Are you sure?” Serena looks her in the eyes.  
“Yes.” Bernies smiles. “Friends?” She offers Serena her hand.  
“Friends.” Serena shake Bernies hand. She rises from the bed. “Good bye then. I go back to my room now.” She says and lays Bernies spare key on the table, without looking at Bernie. She's afraid, that she'll begin to cry if she looks at her. She understands, that she has to play by Bernie rules, if she wants to keep her in her life. Bernie grabs in her pocket and hands Serena her spare key.  
“Here's your key. Thank you for understanding.” She mutters and Serena walks out of the room.  
Bernie now sits alone in her room. The silence is getting on her nerves. It's only seconds since Serena left the room and she's already missing her.  
“Stupid, stupid fool.” She says over and over again. She walks over to her dear windowsill. In front of her lays her worn out copy of 'The price of salt'. She picks up the book and begins to cry. Why is love so confusing? Why does she fall in love with the wrong woman? Why does she make it so difficult to herself? It would be so much easier, if she was in love with Alex. Suddenly she remembers, that Alex kissed her too. Maybe, she should give it a try. She just have to push her feelings for Serena away and try to fall in love with Alex. Yes, that's what she's going to do. Bernie feels how her spirit fills with hope. It might work. It has to work. It'll make it easier for her to see Serena flirting with men. Bernie is now determant to stay friends with Serena and fall in love with Alex. She has forgotten, that Alex knows about her love for Serena.


	24. New partners

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bernies takes a chance

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for your comments and kudos.

The next couple of days presents one punch after another to Serenas feelings. Bernie begins to study together with Marcus Dunn for their exam in the end of the month. She avoids Serena all the time. She always has something else to do. She even works more than usual.   
“Give her time. She'll come back, if she needs you.” Sacha Levy has become Serenas new study partner. He had studied together with Marcus before. Luckily Serena has found out, that Sacha is a good friend to have. He's a little goofy, but as a friend he'll do anything for you.  
“I hope so.” Serena sighs. “I really miss her friendship.”  
“What does she have, that I don't have.” Sacha jokes. Serena looks at him as if she going to murder him.  
“Sorry. I was just trying to lighten up the mood. I was wrong.” He holds up his hands in front of him.  
“Sorry, I reacted bad.” Serena begins to cry.  
“Hey, come here. Let it all out.” Sacha opens his arms and Serena lets him give her one of his very comforting hugs.  
“I don't understand. She wants to be friends, but she avoids me all the time.” She continues.  
“Here we go again.” Sacha thinks. He has listened to Serena revealing her frustrations over and over again. “Please, let them get back to where they were before christmas.” He silently begs. Rocking Serena from side to side.  
“Sorry. I hate to cry. She's not worth it.....I think.” Serena sniffles and dries her eyes. “Thank you for the hug. I needed that.”  
“You're welcome. Let's get back to studying the pancreas.” He proposes.

“Aren't you studying for your exam?” Bernie hears before she has the chance to greet the next costumer.  
“Alex? What are you doing here?” Bernie asks confused.  
“I could ask you the same, but it seems like everybody on campus knows about you and Serena, when I asked where you were.” She answers.  
“WHAT?” Bernie is chocked. Does everybody know, that she's in love with Serena?  
“When is your break?” Alex puts forward.  
“I don't know.” Bernie looks at the manager, she nods her approval for Bernie to take a break. She follows Alex to a table in a corner.  
“Don't worry. They don't know, that you love her. They're only talking about why you two aren't talking to each other. Wondering what you're fighting about.” Alex explains.  
“Why is it so interesting?” Bernie groans and hides her head in her hands.  
“I think it's because before christmas you were like siamese twins.” She lays a hand on Bernies shoulder.  
“Huh?” Bernie looks surprised at Alex.  
“You were always together. Had your own bubble. Each others company was enough for you both.” She continues.  
“I..we...perhaps you're right.” Bernie gives in.  
“I know I'm right.” Alex smirks.  
“I...I...I don't think I'm in love with her anymore.” Bernie whispers. Now was the time to see, if her plan would work.  
“What?” Now Alex is surprised.  
“Yeah. I loved being together with her, but only as a friend. I thought it was love. After having a break away from her, I've realized, that I only want to be her friend.” Bernie delivers the speech she has practised, hoping that Alex will believe her.  
“Okay. I didn't expect that.” She says calm and lays a hand over Bernies hand. “Are you sure?”  
“Yes.”Bernie says firm.  
“Wow.” Alex leans back in her chair.  
“This is my chance.” Bernie thinks. “Do you want to go on a date with me tonight?” she asks shy.  
“I'd love that, if you mean it.” Alex isn't convinced.  
“Of course, I mean it. If I don't mean it, I wouldn't ask.” Bernie looks Alex in the eyes.  
“Okay. Tonight. The cinema.” Alex claims. “You pay.”  
“Deal.” Bernie smiles. “I think my break is over. See you tonight. Let's meet here..ehm..7pm?”  
“Deal” Alex smiles back at her.

They end up watching Ghostbusters. Not a romantic film. Bernie buys chocolate, popcorn and coke for them. The movie is funny, but Bernie doesn't watch much of it. She has watched it with Serena in december. She ponders about what to do next. When will it be the right time to take the next step.  
“I liked the film, what about you?” Alex asks when they walk back to campus.  
“Me too.” Bernie mumbles.  
“What's wrong? You're so silent. Are you having second thoughts about the date?” She sounds disappointed.  
“No.” Bernie murmurs. “I'm not good at this, but..”  
“But what?” Alex stops and looks at her.  
“This.” She takes one of Alex' hands in hers and points at Alex and then herself. “How to be romantic.” She says shy.  
“Holding my hand is a good beginning.” Alex smiles at her.  
“This feels nice.” Bernie whispers.  
“Yeah.” Alex agrees. They begin to walk again, still holding hands.  
Back on campus, they stop in front of Bernies building.  
“This is me, then.” Bernie turns to Alex.  
“Thank you for a lovely evening. I'd like to do that again.” Alex says nervous.  
“Me too.” Bernie answers and gives Alex a hug. She feels how she had missed being hugged. She gives Alex a kiss on the cheek. She doesn't know why she continues, but she then kisses Alex on the lips. Alex is surprised at first, but then she kisses Bernie back. One of Bernies hands sneaks down to Alexs bottom and gives her a little squeeze. The other hand is around her shoulders. Alex has a hand in Bernies hair and the other one is around the back. Their kiss is becoming deeper and Alex' tongue asks for permission to enter Bernie mouth by licking her lower lip. Bernie opens her mouth and their tongues begin a dance to know each other better. They only stop kissing to get some air into their lungs. One deep breath and they continue to kiss. Their hands begins to explore each others bodies.  
“Get a room, Lezzies.” A man shouts after them, when he drives by on his bike. Bernie feels how Alex wants to shout something back at him, but she forces her to keep on kissing. The kiss comes to an end and they stay close together. Leaning their forehead against each other.  
“Sorry.” Bernie breathe out.  
“Don't be sorry. I loved it. You're a good kisser.” Alex says nerveous.  
“Do you want to stay the night. We don't have to do anything. I just want to know you better.” Bernie blushes.  
“Thank you for the offer, but I think I'll go back home. My parents are waiting for me. Rain check? I want to know you better too. Okay?” She says anxiously. Bernie nods her okay. Alex smiles wide and leans in for another kiss. What Bernie and Alex doesn't know is, that Serena has seen it all from her windowsill. She's sitting in the dark and watches how they keep on kissing. Tears are running slowly down her cheeks. She has lost Bernie.


	25. New feelings

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for your comments and kudos

The next couple of weeks is a blur for Serena. She's surprised, that she passed her exam. Thank God, she had Sacha Levy and his odd group of friends to support her. Everywhere she looks, she sees the happy couple. Bernie and Alex kissing. Bernie and Alex hugging. Bernie and Alex holding hands. She has to admit, that she's jealouse. Bernie hardly has any time to be together with Serena anymore. They've shared a cup of coffee from time to time. They even shared a bottle of wine at Bernies birthday, but there's still this weird uncomfortness between them, when they talk. She wants to be happy for Bernie, she deserves happiness, but it's hard for her to be fully supportive to Bernies relationship, when it's what she want herself. If Bernie just wants to be friends with her, then she has to accept that, eventhough it's hard.  
The group is celebrating their exams. Sacha has his girlfriend Essie with him. Raf has taken his mate Fletch to the party. Marcus, Jac, Henrik and Roxanna are there too. They're all waiting for Rics girlfriend to arrive.  
“I'll buy the first round, I'm sure my girlfriend will be late. She always is.” Ric smirks and orders the first round.  
“OH MY GOD. As I live and breathe. Isn't that Serena ballerina sitting next to my boyfriend?” Serena hears and turns around.  
“Sian? What are you doing here? I thought you were in London.” Serena stands up and gives Sian a bonecrushing hug.  
“I've transferred. I want to be near my boyfriend.” She bends forward and gives Ric a kiss on the cheek.  
“Ric's your boyfriend? Wow it's a small world.” Serena claims and sits back down.  
“Hello, darling.” Sian purrs and sits down on Rics lap, while kissing him provokingly long and deep. She then wants to stand up to find a chair.  
“Stay. There aren't enough chairs anyway.” Ric pleads and forces her to sit on his lap. Hiding the growing bulge in his pants.  
“Okay, honey. I hope you've ordered a drink for me too.” She continues.  
“Of course. How do you two know each other?” Ric point at Sian and Serena.  
“St. Winifred. Believe it or not, we both went to an only girl bording school. We were roommates until Ms. Ballerina became headgirl and got her own room.” Sian laughs.

“So tell me!” Sian demands. Serena has sneaked off to the loo to get a bit of privacy, but Sian had entered the room a few seconds after Serena and she has now locked the door.  
“What?” Serena should've known, that she would follow her. Sian knows her better, than she wants to admit.  
“Who is he?” She continues.  
“I don't know, what you're talking about.” Serena is confused.  
“The man, who broke your heart.” Sian looks her in the eyes.  
“No one.” Serena whispers.  
“Is it one of the blokes out there at our table? I hope it's not Ric.” Sian interrogates.  
“NO! Sian, please stop. My heart isn't broken.” Serena pleads.  
“Bullocks.” Sian shouts and forces Serena to look at her. “You're heartbroken. Don't forget how well I know you.”  
“Please. I..I...can't...I....please. Not tonight.” Serena stutters.  
“I won't go anywhere before you give me the reason, why you're so..so not you.” She hugs Serena knowing, she'll soon tell her everything.  
“Okay, but you have to promise me, not to make fun of, what I'm going to tell you.” She mumbles into her neck.  
“Promise. Scouts honour.” Sian says honestly.  
“Okay. Let's find a place to talk. Perhaps my room. You can get back to Ric later.” Serena suggests.  
“Fine by me. I'll get our coats. Wait for me outside.” Sian rushes back to their table and tells them, that she and Serena wants time alone to catch up, because they haven't seen each other since last summer. She gives Ric a sloppy kiss and promises him to come back to his room later for more.

Back in Serenas room, they sit on her bed. Each with a hot cup of tea.  
“This wasn't how I expected this evening to be, but it's nice to see you again.” Sian takes a sip of her tea. “I had expected a little more alcohol.”  
“Sorry, that I've ruined your night.” Serena looks down on her hands.  
“Don't be. You know me. My evening isn't ruined. It just turns out to be different, to what I thought it would be. So tell me, what wrong.” She says calmly.  
“It's Bernie.” She responds.  
“Who is he?” Sian interrupts.  
“Bernie isn't a man. We were friends. I believe, that we still are in some way, but she has a girlfriend now. I...I...miss my friend.” She explains.  
“Oh. You're one of the girls Ric has told me about. You were always together and then after christmas you didn't talk to each other anymore. You got new study partners and so on. I'm so sorry. I wish I had known, that you were one of them, then I'd contacted you earlier.” Sian places their cups on the floor and hugs Serena.  
“It's so confusing and I can't sought out my own feelings. She deserves to be happy, but...” Serena silently cries and Sians shirt gets wet on her shoulder.  
“I knew, there would be a but.” Sian jokes. “Sorry. It won't happen again.” She apologizes quickly.  
“As you know, we were always together. After christmas she suddenly got so distant, eventhough we had some really wonderful days together in Holby. The last two nights at her Nans house, because I had a fight with mum.” Serena takes a deep breath.  
“And?” Sian encourages her.  
“We were at a party on New Years Eve, together with some friends. I danced with Edward Campbell. Bernie was trying to protect me, by forcing me to go outside with her.” She tells.  
“Edward Campbell! Don't you ever go there. He's bad. Okay in bed though, but nothing special. After he has shagged you, he's not interested in you anymore. He's a drunk and a liar. Don't let him charm you. Been there, done that.” Sian declares. “Please go on. What happened, when you went outside. You and Bernie – I mean.”  
“We argued. I said some terrible things. She began to cry. I tried to calm her down. And...and...” Serena stops.  
“Then what?” Sian lays a hand on Serenas arm.  
“She kissed me and I kissed her back. Then she ran away. We didn't talk for days. She came back. She wanted to forget about the kiss. Calling it a drunken mistake. She wanted us to stay friends, but with new rules and she had found a new study partner. Two weeks ago she got a girlfriend, Alex.” Serena sighs.  
“Do you love her? I mean you kissed her back.” Sian wonders.  
“I don't know. I've never had such feelings for a woman. I've never been more than friends with a woman. Sian, I'm so confused. I'm sure it's just because I miss my best friend.” Serena remarks.  
“I remember us kissing at St. Winifreds.” Sian tries to lighten up Serenas mood.  
“Yeah. But it was only practicing for the boys. There was never love involved.” Serena states.  
“So? Do you love her?” Sian tilts her head.  
“NO! I....I...maybe. I don't know. I have feelings for her, but I don't know if it's love. You know like the one you are supposed to have for a partner.”Serena hides her head in her hands.  
“I know what you need. A night out with me. Exploring if you're into other women or not. Let's have a girls night out tomorrow.” Sian says enthusiastic.  
“Do you think, that will help?” Serena isn't convinced.  
“Sure. Let your hair out, Serena ballerina.” Sian teases.  
“Alright.” Serena gives in with a loud groan.


	26. New revelations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bernie & Alex gets closer

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for your comments and kudos
> 
> This chapter is NSFW

The girls night out with Sian, isn't a success at all. After only an hour Sian has disappeared and left Serena alone. She had searched after her for a few minutes, but she knows, how Sian is. If something better shows up, she'll leave the party she started with. Serena decides to go home. She's not in the mood to party anyway. She takes a long walk through town and ends up in the park. She sits down on a bench under a lonely tree. A tree like me, she thinks. I feel so alone. I have friends, but I miss my best friend. Do I love her? I don't know. I suppose, what I feel is like being heartbroken after a failed relationship, but we weren't lovers. I've lost the most important person in my life. It's like we have known each other our whole life and now she has left me. It's so confusing. I need to find a way to talk to Bernie. We need to find a way to stay friends. I refuse to do, as Sian has proposed. I won't fall into bed with a willing woman, just to figure out my feelings for Bernie or to figure out if I love girls too. I won't have a quick shag with some one just to scratch the itch, like I used to do. I want love. Not just sex, but making love, with the person I'm in love with. Waow, it's a surprise. Yes, this is what I want. I want to find the love of my life. She rises from the bench and walks home. She closes her door silently and pulls off her party clothes. She putts on her pajama and takes a seat on her beloved windowsill. Tucking the throw around herself. Enjoying a cup of tea, while she looks into the dark and let her thoughts flow free.

Bernie and Alex are out on a date. Eating pizzas at the local pizzaria. It doesn't sound very romantic, but they both love pizzas and they've found out, that the woman who owns the pizzaria is gay friendly. They watch Serena walk by.  
“Have you talked to her resently?” Alex asks and nods at Serena.  
“No. I don't know how to. She seems so lost and distant. It's my fault and...and...” Bernie begins.  
“I know.” Alex lays her hand over Bernies. “I think she misses her best friend too.”  
“What have I done to deserve you? You're a very understanding girlfriend.” Bernie kisses Alex on the cheek.  
“Because you deserves to be loved. Come on. Let's pay. I have an early start tomorrow.” Alex says matter of factly and kisses Bernie back.  
“Good idea.” Bernie responds, her mind pondering on how to become friends with Serena again.  
They walk back to Bernies room hand in hand.  
“Stay tonight.” Bernie whispers.  
“I'd love to.” Alex sighs and kisses Bernie with a kiss, that grows deeper, when Bernie kisses her back. Bernie opens her door and pulls Alex with her. Still kissing. As soon as the door is closed, their hands begins to explore. Bernie slowly opens Alex' jacket and let's it fall to the floor. She takes a short break to close the curtains. Soon their clothes leaves their bodies piece by piece and it's now all over the floor.  
“You're so beautiful.” Alex claims between kisses, when they stand in front of each other only in their underwear. Bernie blushes, she can't say anything, because she's speechless. Alex is so wonderful and knows how to say the right things, but there's still something missing. She's not Serena. Bernie shakes her head to stop thinking of her. Alex takes her head in her hands.  
“Believe me Bern, you ARE beautiful.” She begins to trail kisses down her neck, the collarbone and pauses just above Bernies bra.  
“Thank you.” Bernie moans, anticipating what comes next. Alex opens Bernies bra and take it off. She looks up for a second before she closes her lips around the right nipple. Circling the nipple with her tongue.   
“Oh, yes.” Bernie groans. “Don't stop.” Alex does the same with the left nipple. Bernie feels so good. She can hardly stand up anymore and pushes Alex onto the bed. Alex turns them around, so she lays on top of Bernie. Bernie sneaks her hands up to Alex' bra and takes it off. She strokes both her nipples with her thumbs. She pinches them and Alex sighs out loud and leans in for another kiss. Bernie trails her hands along Alex' back and stops just above her bottom. She moves her panties very slow.   
“Stand up.” Bernie demands, when the panties are down on Alex thighs. Alex does what she's told. She lets the panties fall down around her ankles and she stands naked in front of Bernie.  
“Come here, Sexy.” She holds out a hand and pulls Alex back into bed, when she takes the hand in hers. They kiss again. Their hands are all over their bodies. Alexs right hand stops on top of Bernies panties.  
“You need to get these off.” She slowly pulls them of. She kisses Bernie collarbone, then she take her time worshipping her breasts. She continues her trail of kisses further down and comes closer to where Bernie wants her. She looks up at Bernie, when she's near her core.  
“Please.” Bernie growls. “I need it. I want it.” Alex dives in and licks Bernie wet center from the bottom to her most sentitive spot. She licks a couple of time at Bernies clit and gets rewarded with a loud moan.  
“Please don't stop.” Bernie begs. Alex swipes two fingers through Bernies wet curls and then she slowly inserts them in Bernies center. Bernie gets more vocal.  
“Yes, yes. Don't stop. Faster.” She babbles on and on. Alex sets up the speed and goes back to play with Bernies clit. She licks, she blows and finally she suck at the nob. She feels Bernies vagina clam around her fingers and Bernie screams out her orgasm.  
After a minute Bernie's breath are back to normal. She smirks at Alex and turns her, so she lays on her back.  
“Your turn.” She teases and looks at Alex with hungry eyes and places herself on top of Alex. She caresses and kisses every part of her body, except where Alex wants her. She's so aroused and twists her body, for Bernie to touch her in the right places.  
“Please, Bern. I can't wait anymore.” She almost cries.  
“Alright. You've been a brave girl.” Bernie says and sucks her right nipple into her mouth. It surprises Alex so much, that she arches her back. Bernie rolls the left nipple between two fingers. Her right hands is caressing her stomach, but now she moves it further down and lets it rest on top of Alex pubic hairs. Alex moves her pelvis to show how much she needs Bernie to continue her trail. Bernie places herself with Alex thigh against her own pussy and begins to stimulate herself, while she continues to show Alex' breasts the attention they deserves. She slowly begins to insert two fingers in Alex' wet cave. She's so wet, that Bernie has no problem with pushing the fingers all the way in and she quickly adds another finger.  
“Oh! Yes! Sooo goood.” Alex breathe out. Bernie begins to move faster and lets her thumb hit Alex' clit every time she rams her fingers inside. She uses her fingers to stimulate Alex G-spot and she moves herself faster and faster against the thigh.  
“Yes, yes. Don't stop. I'm coming.” Alex screams. A few seconds later Bernie follows with her second orgasm. Every thought about Serena forgotten. Their night continues with passionate sex until they fall asleep exhauted in each others arms.

Serena watched them come back from their date. She saw how Alex followed Bernie inside and didn't came back out. She saw them kissing before they shut the curtains. It hurts to watch. She wants Bernie to be happy, but she wants her friend back too. She cries without noticing at first. She gets angry at herself. “Stupid, stupid fool. She's just a friend. It'll be better soon.” She tries to calm herself down, but ends up in her bed, crying into her pillow. She misses a friend, but not anybody. She misses her best friend. It's not Sian, because, she knows how unstable she is as a friend as soon as a handsome man come into the picture. Of course she's there for her, when she really needs her, but she's not Bernie. Sweet reliable Bernie. We need to figure this out, is the last thing Serena promise herself before she falls asleep.


	27. New disputes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bernie and Serena become closer again.
> 
> Alex wants to move in with Bernie and Serena

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for your comments and kudos

Bernie and Serena are both trying to do an effort to become friends again. Slowly, they grow back in their old habits. Sitting close in class. Drinking coffee together. There's still an elephant in the room. Every time Bernie talks about Alex, Serena becomes distant or tries to change the subject.  
Serena has just finished her shift at Ms. Knit's, when Bernie calls her name on the street.  
“Serena, wait.” She runs up to Serena.  
“Hey you.” Serena greets and they continues to walk next to each other.  
“Hi. Do..do...do you think...I mean do you want?” Bernie stutters.  
“Breathe in and breathe out. And then try to ask me, what you want.” Serena says calm.  
“Okay. Do you want to be study partners again?” Bernie fidgets with her fingers.  
“Sure, but what about Marcus and Sacha?” She asks confused.  
“They can go back being study partners again, if it's okay with you, but I can't study with Marcus anymore.” Bernie sighs.  
“Why not?” Serena asks.  
“He...he..made a pass at me last night. Trying to kiss me.” Bernie whispers.  
”What? Hey let's get something to calm you down. Want a beer or something at the pub?” Serena stops.  
“Yeah. I'd love that.” Bernie groans. They walk into the pub. Bernie finds a table and Serena buys a beer and a glass of Shiraz and sits down in front of Bernie.  
“So tell me. What happened?” She demands.  
“Well, we went out last night to drink a couple of beers, but Marcus had apparently taken a shot or two of something stronger, everytime he went to the bar for another round of beers.” Bernie begins.  
“Every one gets drunk at some point.” Serena mutters.  
“Let me finish. I wanted to go home, because I had to work today at the grocery store. He insisted on following me home. Halfway home he layed his arm around my shoulders. I scrugged him off. Back on campus he wanted to give me a hug. I turned him down. He began to call me different things. Things I've heard Campbell and his friends call people like me and Alex. That lesbos just haven't met the right man, that I just needed some dick etc. And..and..then he tried to force me to kiss him. Eventhough he knows, that Alex and I are a couple.” Bernie takes a deep breath, trying not to cry.  
“It's okay. Just take you time. I'm here.” Serena lays a hand on Bernies arm.  
“Thank you.” She tries to smile.  
“You're welcome. What happened next?” Serena asks concerned. She's afraid, that Marcus might have done something worse to Bernie, than just kissing her. Bernie takes a long sip of her beer.  
“I kicked him in the groin.” She smirks. “It felt soooo good.”  
“And?” Serena is intrigued now.  
“I let him lie on the ground whining about his manhood, which by the way had begun to wake up. I felt it, when he tried to kiss me.” Bernie giggles.  
“Ouch. Campbell isn't good to be around. Marcus deserves much nicer friends.” Serena states.  
“Yeah. You're right and I think, that he knows that too. This morning, he knocked on my door. He apologized for yesterday. He told me, that he has been in love with me for a very long time, even before we began to study together. That Edward had challenged him to kiss me. He was very sorry, that he had been so stupid, to get charmed by Edwards bad manners. We both agreed, that we can't study together as long as he has feelings for me.” Bernie explains.  
“Oh. I see. Do you know what Sacha thinks?” Serena tilts her head.  
“Marcus said, that it's okay with him, if we all go back to study with the partner we had before christmas.” Bernie mumbles.  
“It's fine by me, but I need to talk to Sacha first. I want to hear it from himself, that he's alright, with this new arrangement. Okay?” Serena utters.  
“Deal.” Bernie holds out her hand and Serena shakes it.  
“Deal. Let's go home. I'm exhausted.” Serena tries to hide a yawn.

They're soon back to be comfortable around each other. They even begins to look after a flat. Serena suggests to Bernie, that Alex can move in with them too, but Bernie is a little hesitant about that.  
“I do love her, but moving in together seems so final. I can't do that. Not yet, Serena.” Bernie confesses one night, when Serena has brought up the subject again.  
“I think, that I know what you mean.” She answers and they don't talk about it anymore.  
In May they finally finds a flat. It's within their budget and big enough for both of them to have a private space. They had looked for a two bedroom flat, but this one has three bedrooms.  
“We can sublet the room or we can use it as a creative room. I can have my sewing machine in here and all my sewing supplies.” Serena says enthusiastic.  
“I don't think, that I want a third person living here with us. You can have your creative room, but...” Bernie ponders.  
“But what?” Serena asks.  
“I want to have an extra bed in there. If some of our friends need a place to crash for a night or two.” Bernie continues.  
“Good idea.” Serena smiles at her. “Let's sign those papers, so this place, can be ours.”  
“Yeah.” Bernie smiles and gives Serena a pen.  
They both leave the estate agent, with a growing happy feeling inside.  
“I can't believe we've just payed the deposit for a flat.” Serena sighs.  
“Me neither.” Bernie mumbles.

“But Bern. I don't understand. Why can't I live there too. We're a couple - you know. If you don't want to move in together as a couple, then I can rent the third room.” Alex says angry.  
“It's not the same. Serena and I have planned this for so long. The third room isn't available for rent.” Bernie tries to explain.  
“Why? Don't you love me anymore? Have you even loved me at all?” Alex shouts.  
“Of course I love you. We're together, right. You're welcome to stay over, but moving in together as a couple...It's a bit to soon for me. Okay? I hope you understand.” Bernie says calm.  
“No, I don't understand.”Alex is so angry, that she doesn't listen to Bernie anymore.  
“Alex, please, try to understand.” Bernie pleads. “Maybe you can move in later, but not now.”  
“I feel like we're only together, because you can't be with your presious Serena. Now you two are moving in together and I'm not worthy to be part of that. I'm only your second choice Bernie. Who do you love the most? Serena or me?” Alex cries out.  
“I love you.” Bernie hugs Alex thight until she can feel her relax in her arms. “I love you as my partner.”  
“I sense a but.” Alex sniffles into Bernies neck.  
“Alex, I need you to look at me.” She loosens her grip a little to give Alex space to move.  
“Okay.” She sighs.  
“I love you. You're my partner. I can see a future for us, but I love Serena too.” Alex begins to struggle against Bernies grip.  
“No. I don't want to hear this.” Alex shakes her head.  
“Please listen. I only love Serena as a friend. I'm not in love with her anymore. I'm in love with you. Do you hear, what I'm saying.” Bernie looks her directly in the eyes.  
“Yes.” Alex whispers hard for Bernie to hear.  
“And do you understand, what I'm saying?” Bernie caresses her cheek and kisses her forehead.  
“Yes.” Alex mumbles. “But it's still hard to see you two together. You're so in sync.”  
“I love YOU.” Bernie kisses Alex to convince her and she finally surrenders.  
“I love you too.” She smiles back at Bernie.


	28. New home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's time to move into the flat

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for the comments and kudos

It happened so fast. Bernie thought, that they were happy and in love, but only a few days after they had their argument about the flat and Serena, Alex ends their relationship.  
“We need to talk.” She begins.  
“Okay.” Bernie answers without realizing, what Alex says.  
“I can't do this anymore Bern.” She continues.  
“What?” Bernie asks.  
“I can't do this anymore. Us – being together.” Alex sits down in front of Bernie.  
“Mmmh.” Bernie hums, while looking in a colourful home DIY decoration magazine.  
“Bern! Listen to me!” Alex shouts and Bernie gives her the attention she wants.  
“I'm listening.” She confirms.  
“I can't be together with you anymore...As a couple, I mean.” She says calm and looks down on her hands.  
“Why? I thought we were happy.” Bernie questions.  
“You are happy, but I'm not.” Alex claims.  
“But...but, I don't under...” Bernie begins to protest.  
“Please, let me explain.” Alex interrupts her.  
“Okay.” Bernie says. Her head is spinning with confusing thoughts.  
“Bernie, don't question my love for you. I do love you. In fact I love you very much, but I can't keep on sharing you with Serena. It would be too much to ask of you to choose between us, so I'll make that choice for you.” She takes a deep breath.  
“I don't want to end our relationship. I love you.” Bernie whispers.  
“That's what you don't want. I don't know, if you actually know, what you really want. I'm setting you free.” A single tear runs down her cheek.  
“But Alex I...” She begins, but Alex silences her by holding a finger against Bernies lips.  
“Don't say anything. It's hard enough for me.” Alex whispers.  
“I'll do anything to stay together.” Bernie says with tears in her eyes.  
“I know...and I want you to let me go.” She hugs Bernie. “Come find me, if you're 110 % sure, that I'm the one.” She kisses Bernie lightly on the cheek and walks out of Bernies room. Bernies first thought is, that she needs to talk to Serena.

Serena hears a knock on her door. She's sitting on her windowsill. Enjoying one of the last times, she can sit there, before they move into the flat.  
“Who's there?” She yells.  
“It's me.” Bernie answers. Serena hops down and opens the door.  
“What's happened? You look upset.” She pulls Bernie in for a hug.  
“It's over.” Bernie cries into Serenas neck.  
“What? I don't understand.” She answers.  
“Alex...me...she....she...we're...” Bernie stutters.  
“Shush. Come here and sit down. Take a deep breath and try again.” She drags Bernie with her and gets her to sit down on the edge of the sofa bed.  
“She broke up with me.” Bernie sniffles and dries her eyes with her sleeve.  
“What? When? I thought you two were happy together.” Serena lays a hand on Bernies knee.  
“Just a few minute ago.” Fresh tears runs down her cheeks.  
“Did she give you a reason?” Serena says calm.  
“Yes, but I can't talk about it right now. I need to understand it myself, before I can talk about it.” She mumbles.  
“It's okay. We can talk, when you're ready.” Serena says soothingly.  
“Thank you.” Bernie looks her in the eyes.  
“You're welcome.” Serena smiles at her and rises from the bed. She flicks the kettle on. A cup of tea is required now.

“We need a plan. I'll take the big bedroom.” Bernie proposes. They're in the kitchen of their new, but yet empty flat. It's the day before they're going back to Holby to pick up all their belongings. Bernie has rented a small van.  
“Why do you have to get the big bedroom?” Serena teases.  
“Because I have the biggest bed.” Bernie says matter of factly.  
“I'll armwrestle you for that.” Serena says ready to fight for the room.  
“Don't be stupid. You know I'm stronger than you.” Bernie smirks.  
“It's not the size of the dog, but the dog in the fight.” Serena quotes and places her elbow on the counter top.  
“Okay. Don't cry when you loose.” Bernie gets in position.  
“Three, two, one. GO. The loser is going to drive the van tomorrow.” Serena shouts. Looking each other deep in the eyes, they wrestle around half a minute. Suddenly Serena wins.  
“Ha. I win. You loose.” Serena says triumphant.  
“Yeah.” Bernie says shy.  
“Let's go back to campus and enjoy our last night there.” Serena suggests.  
“Good idea. I'm not going to miss sharing a kitchen and a shower with seven other people, but..” Bernie declares.  
“But you'll miss your windowsill.” Serena interrupts. She knows how much Bernie loves her windowsill. “I'll miss mine too.”

They set off early the next morning. They want to be in Holby before noon. Serena falls asleep after five minutes of the drive. Bernie doesn't care. She loves to drive a big vehicle. It gives her time to think too. Alex is right. She wasn't in love with Alex. She was in love with the idea of being in a relationship. It was comforting to be with some one, who was so sure of their sexuality. She loved Alex. Of course she did and still do, but not as she wants to be loved. She loves her more as a friend than as a lover. Just like she loves Serena. No. Her love for Serena is special. They aren't a couple, but soulmates. She has felt that since they met the first time. She turns on the radio with the volume low enough not to wake Serena. She looks so beautiful and angelic, when she sleeps.  
“I'm so happy we're doing this.” She whispers to herself. Halfway on the journey, Bernie needs to stretch her legs. She finds a rest stop and parks the van. She jumps out and walks a couple of rounds around the van. She jumps in again and opens her thermos, pours up a cup of coffee and takes a sip.  
“Is that coffee, I can smell?” Serena groans.  
“Yes. You want a cup?” Bernie answers.  
“I'd love to.” Serena take Bernies cup out of her hand and drinks half of it. Bernie pours coffee in a new cup and lets Serena continue to drink out of her cup. Few minutes later they continue their ride to Holby.  
“You really love to drive this van. I bet you let me win that armwrestle.” Serena claims.  
“Never.” Bernie denies.  
At noon they arrive at Serenas parents home. Adrienne has made sandwiches for them. After eating the sandwiches, they load all Serenas belongings into the van. Of course Bernie is the one lifting the heavy boxes. George helps them with Serena bed, while Adrienne keeps on fussing around, about how stupid she thinks it is, that they have rented a flat together. It would be much better to save the money. As soon as they finish to load Serenas things, they drive to Nans house. Bernie doesn't have many belongings. There's the king size bed and a couple of small boxes. Nan has arranged, that her neighbour helps Bernie carrying the matress. Luckily the bedframe can be disassembled. Everything is soon in the van.  
“Come on girls. I've made supper. I don't want you to leave before you've got something to eat.” Nan calls from the kitchen.  
“Thank you, Nan.” They say in unison.


	29. New love?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is inspired by Holby City S18 E51 - Life in the freezer
> 
> Thank you for your comments and kudos

Serena observes how the Dean hands Bernie an envelope with a papercorner sticking out. She walks over to Bernie, when the Dean leaves.  
“It's medicinal, you know.” She says and holds up a paper bag with a croissant au chocolat.  
“Ha!” Bernie burst out.  
“And I blame you.” Serena claims  
“How can it be my fault?” Bernie pretent to be insulted.  
“It was your idea to celebrate, that we have handed in our last project for this term. You proposed the bar with an extensive winelist.” Serena explains  
“You could've orderd by the glass.” Bernie says casually.  
“I'm sorry, Serena McKinnie, have we met?” She reaches out her hand and Bernie holds her hand a little longer, than normal. Then they walk back to their flat close together.  
“What does the Dean wanted from you?” Serena asks, when they're inside.  
“He wanted to give me this. I've been accepted to the admission test for the RAMC.” Bernie mumbles and hands Serena the envelope.  
“Okay?” Serena opens the envelope and looks at the shiny folder.  
“I don't know.” Bernie mutters.  
“Obviously I rather you don't go away.” Serena whispers.  
“Really?” Bernie is surprised.  
“Of course.” Serena states and hands back the envelope to Bernie. “You know, with the flat and all.”  
“Yeah.”  
“It certainly reads like your dreamjob and I couldn't...ehm...wouldn't stand in your way, if that what you really want.” The last part is only a whisper. Bernie lays the folder on the kitchen table and walks closer to Serena.  
“Erm.” Bernie sighs.  
“It's just...” Serena stops talking and looks very intense at Bernie. Seconds feels like minutes. She finally throws herself at Bernie and kisses her. She feels Bernies arms sneak around her shoulders and how Bernie kisses her back with the same lustful sensitivity.  
“Sorry.” Serena says shy, when she pulls back from the kiss.  
“Don't be. I've wanted to do this for weeks.” Bernie laughs happy. They look at each other with love shining in their eyes. The spell is broken, when the doorbell rings. Serena answers the door. It's Raf.  
“Hi Raf. Sorry, I can't stay. Have to go to work.” Serena runs out of the door.  
“Hi Bernie. Thank you for letting me crash here, while Fletchs dad is staying at our place. I let him have my room.” Raf greets. “What's that?”  
“My acceptance letter for the admissions test for the RAMC. I have to stay there the whole summer if I don't fail and get dismissed.” Bernie mumbles.  
“Serena must be devastated. She thinks she has you for keeps.” He bursts out, without knowing, that Serena kissed Bernie a few minutes ago. “Looks interesting though. It'll fit you. Going back to your army roots.”  
“Yeah.” Bernie takes the envelope into her room, before showing Raf into the spare room.

Serena and Bernie is enjoying their coffee, that Bernie had brought with her to Ms. Knits. Serena is managing the store alone this morning.  
“Do you want to eat dinner together tonight?” Bernie asks  
“I'd love to. Raf won't be there. He has to work.” Serena smiles at Bernie.  
“I'll cook.” Bernie whispers, looking Serena deep in the eyes.  
“Okay.” Serena sighs.  
“I'll pick you up at noon. Last class in the lab for this term is this afternoon.” Bernies says and gives Serena a peck on the cheek.  
“I don't want you to go.” Serena touches Bernies arm. “That's as far as I've got for now.”  
“Okay. We'll talk about it later.” Bernie stutters and walks out the door.

“Sorry. I'm not trying to mess you about, I just don't know if I can....” Is the first Serena babbles out, when Bernie picks her up.  
“As much as I want this conversation, I don't think we have the time. Sorry to be late.” Bernie groans. They have to run to get to class on time, but they manage to get there before the professor and they're now standing at their work station and tries to dissect a pigs shoulder.  
“Okay Class. I know you're ready for the holidays, but you have to concentrate. A pigs shoulder is similar to the human shoulder. You have to imagine, that you're having a human patient in front of you. Imagination is good in many aspects of life. In medicine too. Just remember you can't imagine the love from this patients relatives, when you safe their loved ones.” Professor Lloyd informs.  
“Oh my. Why is he so philosophical today?” Bernie asks annoyed.  
“Love makes fool of us all, makes people do or say crazy things.” Serena replies.  
“You talk as if...” Bernie looks at Serena.  
“I have fallen in love before. I do recognize the symptoms.” She smiles at Bernie with a wink.  
“I need the loo. I'll be back soon.” Bernie mutters and walks away. She's back 15 minutes later. Serena is alone in the lab. Putting the final notes in her backpack.  
“There you are. Where have you been? “ She asks joyful.  
“I went to see the Dean. I've accepted to go to the admissions test.” Bernie looks down on her hands.  
“What?” Serena is appalled and frozen to the spot.  
“I think the prospect of me leaving, just put to much pressure on...on us. To decide how we feel.” She can't look directly at Serena.  
“Nooo. No, it make me realize...I told you. I don't want you to go.” Serena protests and walks to Bernie.  
“That's..that's what you don't want.” Bernie pushes Serena back. “You need time and space to decide, what you DO want.”  
“It's the same thing.” Serena interferes.  
“No. It's not...ehm....I know, I don't want to hurt you, because I care about you.” Bernie really wants to tell Serena how much she loves her, but she can't. She turns around and walks out of the room. Serena runs after her, trying to hold her back in the hall.  
“Please....please don't do this.” She pleads and grabs Bernie by the wrist. “I can visit you.”   
“NO” Bernie says firm.  
“We can meet halfway.” Serena continues with tears in her eyes.  
“STOP.” Bernie pulls herself free of Serenas grib. She turns around and runs away from Serena. Hiding her own tears. Serena is standing alone and abandoned in the hall.  
“Serena, are you okay?” She hears Raf ask. She walks back to the lab without answering him.  
“Stupid, stupid coward.” Bernie has stopped around the corner. She bangs her fist against her forehead over and over again. She sighs and walks back home for the final time in a while.  
“Stupid, stupid idiot.” Serena is sitting at the work station, cursing that she has fallen in love with Bernie.   
When Serena arrives home, Bernie is already gone.  
“At least she has taken her time to leave me a note.” Serena mutters to herself and reads the note Bernie has placed next to their phone.  
“Serena! Sorry. Need to try this. B.”  
“Typically Bernie. Short message. No details. Nothing about how she feels.” She sighs and lets herself slide down the wall. Sitting on the floor, hugging her own knees, she hides her face and begins to sob.


	30. New confessions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for your comments and kudos

It's past midnight and Raf lets himself in. The sight that's meeting him in the hall is not what she was expecting. Serena is laying on the floor hugging her knees in a foetal position. Her cheeks are wet, but she's sleeping. He kneels beside her.  
“Serena, are you alright.” He asks concerned and lays a hand on her shoulder. She murmurs something in her sleep. Raf scoops her up from the floor. She lays her arms around his neck. He lays Serena on her bed. She doesn't even wake up, when he undresses her and tucks her under the duvet. He's about to leave the room, when she grabs her wrist.  
“Stay. I don't want to be alone.” She pleads.  
“What happened? You were laying in the hall sleeping. I can see, that you've been crying.” He says soothingly and makes her let go of her grib.  
“She's gone.” She sniffles.  
“Who? Bernie?” Raf asks.  
“Yeah. She has run away to the army.” She sighs.  
“It's only the admission test.” Raf says calm.  
“No. She ran away from me too.” Serena tries to hold back her tears.  
“I don't understand. Try to calm down and let me hear, why you think she has run away from you.” He takes her hand and caresses the knuckles.  
“I kissed her after she had shown me the papers from the army. I thought everything was okay. She kissed me back. We planned a date tonight, but after class today, she told me, that she had accepted to go to the admission test and that I need time and space to find out, what I want. I told her, that I don't want her to go, but she did.” Serena can't hold back her tears anymore. Raf pulls her in for a hug and lets her cry.  
“What do you feel about her?” Raf has the nerves to ask.  
“I'm confused. I've never been more than friends with a woman.” She mumbles and snuggles into Rafs chest.  
“But?” He says.  
“Raf, I love her. ” She continues and pulls away from his hug.  
“What's the problem?” He smiles at her.  
“The problem is, that she turns my life upside down, then buggers of to the army, leaving me as a...as a...what am I? I've never considered myself as a lesbian and don't know if I am.” She explains.  
“And?” Raf looks at her.  
“Oh my God. What....what if it's only a...only a phase?” She questions.  
“There's a sure way to find out.” Raf suggests.  
“What do you mean?” She asks suspicious. Raf winks at her and makes a nod with his head to show what he means. She leans in to kiss him, but inches before their lips would meet, she begins to laugh.  
“Definitely a lesbian.” Raf laughs. He rises from the bed. “Good night Serena.”  
“Good night Raf.” She answers and crawls back under the duvet.

Bernie hates what she has done against Serena, but she still believes it's for the best. Serena needs to figure out if she's ready to be in a relationship with a woman. More precise, she need to figure out if she wants to be in a relationship with Bernie. She doesn't want to lose Serena as a part of her life. Of course she dreams of them as a couple. She doesn't want to lose her as a friend. If the relationship ends with bad feelings, she will also lose her best friend. It's the morning after Bernies escape. She's sitting in Nans kitchen.  
“Bernie darling. Are you listening to what I say?” Nan pats her arm.  
“Sorry. Miles away.” She whispers.  
“How is Serena?” Nan asks with interest. “Are everything in place in the flat?”  
“Mmm.” Bernie nods.  
“Problems?” Nan looks her in the eyes. Tears are beginning to build up in Bernies eyes.  
“Yes.” Bernie confirms fighting not to cry.  
“What happened? Are you having a dispute?” Nan lays a hand on Bernies back.  
“Sort of.” Bernie mumbles.  
“Please speak to me pumpkin.” She pleads.  
“I...I..we...I love her. I don't want to lose her.” She can't hold back the tears anymore.  
“I don't think you're going to lose Serena. Your friendship is very special.” She says calm.  
“I've ruined so many friendships. I don't know what to do.” She hides her face in her hands.  
“Shush, shush, my love. “ She sits down next to Bernie and opens her arms so Bernie can lean in for a hug if she want to. Bernie snuggles into Nans chest and lets the tears fall free.  
“We kissed again.” She cries.  
“That's a good thing - I believe.” Nan says soothing.  
“Nooooo.” Bernie shakes her head. Nan lets go of Bernie and stands up. She reaches a hand at Bernie.  
“Come on let's go into the livingroom. I have the feeling we need to sit better for this talk.” Bernie takes her hand and follows her into the livingroom, where they both sit down on the big couch.  
“Tell me. I want to hear it all.” Nan demands. She knows how to make Bernie talk.  
“You know I got the acceptance letter for the admissions test yesterday. Serena saw the Dean hand it to me. I wanted to stay, when I saw how disappointed she was, when I told her. At home she told me, that she doesn't want me to leave. Eventhough she knows, that being in the RAMC is my dream. Then she kissed me and I kissed her back.” Bernie takes a deep breath.  
“I don't believe, that she wants to hold you back.” Nan replies.  
“That's what she said before the kiss.” Bernie looks down on her hands.  
“What happened after the kiss?” She askes concerned.  
“She apologized for the kiss. I told her not to be sorry and that I've wanted to kiss her for weeks.” Bernie stops.  
“It's good to be honest.” Nan lays an arm around Bernies shoulders.  
“Yeah. Later we planned a date, but when we were in class Serena implied, that she has fallen in love. I couldn't stay. I excused myself, saying I needed the loo. I went to the Deans office and accepted to go to the admission test. When I came back to the classroom, Serena was alone. I told her what I had done and that we can't start a relationship now. It'll be forced because I'm going away. I said, that she needs time and space to figure out, how she really feels. She didn't understand and begged to come visiting. She doesn't understand how the army treats gays.” Bernie leans her head on Nans shoulder.  
“Sorry, Love, but I don't understand your reasons either. If you two love each other, you can still be a couple without the army knowing.” She kisses Bernie on the forehead.  
“What?” Bernie lifts her head and looks at her Nan with surprise.  
“Do you love her?” Nan holds Bernies head in her hands.  
“Yes” Bernie sighs.  
“Does she love you?” She asks and tilts her head.  
“I don't know. Perhaps.” Bernie scruggs her shoulders.  
“Maybe you both need time and space.” Nan begins.  
“Yeah.” Bernie interrupts and stand up. “I'll go upstairs for now. I need to pack for tomorrow.”  
“Okay. Let's talk later. I hope, that the sofa bed in your room was good enough for you to sleep on.” Nan smiles.  
“It was okay. The beds in the army are much worse.” Bernie mumbles before she walks upstairs. She has a lot of thinking to do now.


	31. New pastures

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know how or if there's an admissions test at the RAMC, but this is how I imagine it to be.
> 
> Thank you again for your lovely comments and kudos

The admission test is hard. They get out of bed at 5am. Sometimes they're first back in bed around midnight. Bernie soon adapts to military life. She has lived that way most of her life. Schedules and tidiness are what Bernie hates the most, but it's part of her DNA. Her room at her Nans and the one on campus were messy most of the time. The room in the flat is tidier, because Serena demands that from her. Her bunk and her cupboard here is amongst the most tidy ones.  
“Private Morris, you could learn a lot from Private Wolfe. Do it all over again.” Captain Hydes commands and pulls all out of Morris' cupboard and bed onto the floor. “Private Morris, Private Wolfe.” He salutes before exiting the room.  
“Come on Cate. Let me help you.” Bernie says calm and helps Morris to make the bed the right military way.  
“How can you do that so well?” She asks.  
“It's in my DNA. I'm the next generation of a long military tradition.” She answers matter of factly.  
“Wow. I'd never thought you've been brought up in the army, when I first saw you.” Cate bursts out.  
“Military secret.” Bernie smiles. She likes Cate. It's easy to talk to her.  
“Ha ha.” Cate groans. They work fast but precise and Cates belongings are soon where they belong. Folded and placed military correct.  
From time to time, some of their fellow candidates gives up and leaves the program. Twice a week they have a so called stop test. If you don't pass, you're out. After the first three week a third is gone.  
It's the time where Bernie receives the first letter from Serena. She reads it more than once. She has it under her pillow, when she sleeps. She doesn't know if she's about to be insane, but she thinks, that the letter still smells of Serena. Serena doesn't write much in the letter. She tells about their friends and how she got the adress for the military base from Nan. Not a single word about how she feels. Bernie wants to answer, but she can't figure out, what to write. She still feels guilty about the way she left.

“Bad news from home?” Cate asks concerned.  
“Huh?” Bernie is surprised to hear Cates voice. She has just receives another letter from Serena. She sits on her bunk, delving in self pity. “No. What makes you think that?”  
“You have teary eyes and you look like your miles away.” Cate claims.  
“It's nothing.” Bernie mumbles.  
“Bullocks.” Cate utters.  
“I don't want to talk about it. Okay?” Bernie whispers.  
“Okay. I leave you alone.” Cate says and walks out of the room.   
Bernie sighs deep. She reads the letter one more time. Again Serena just describe what she has done together with their friends. She tells how she enjoys the work at Ms. Knits. Again nothing about, what she feels.  
Bernie has begun to write an answer to the first letter, she got from Serena two weeks ago. It's difficult for her to write this letter. There's so much she wants to tell Serena. How much she loves her. How much she misses her and so on, but she can't get it down on paper. Bernie has never been fond of writing letters. The days went on one after another. She ends up tossing her attempt in the bin. She keeps on reading the letters from Serena every night before she turns the lights out. She keeps the letters in the book she had brought with her. She has camouflaged 'The Price of Salt' as a crime novel by exchanging the covers.

“Hello, Serena. You look tired today.” Ms. Claire greets her, when she arrives at the shop.  
“Hi. Sorry. I drank too much Shiraz last night.” Serena growls.  
“It doesn't look like it's only too much wine, that happened last night.” Ms. Claire teases.  
“I hate that you know me so well.” Serena groans.  
“Come. Let's drink a cup of coffee before we open the store.” Ms. Claire proposes.  
“Thank you.” She sighs.  
Sitting in the small room/office behind the counter Ms. Claire begins to interrogate Serena.  
“Tell me. What did you do last night, that makes you feel so guilty?” She asks concerned.  
“I..I..ended up in bed with Jeff. An ex-boyfriend.” Serena stutters, while looking down on her hands.  
“Is that all. Darling, we've all been there. I don't understand, why you feel guilty. You're single and free. Does he want more? Is that the reason you feel guilty?” She continues.  
“No.” Serena hides her head in her hands.  
“Then what?” Ms. Claire asks confused.  
“There's someone else, that I'm in love with.” She finally whispers and looks at Ms. Claire with teary eyes.  
“Oh. And this someone doesn't have mutual feelings for you?” Ms. Claire lays a hand on Serenas arm.  
“I don't know. I hope so, but...” Serena stops.  
“But what, my dear?” Ms. Claire.  
“I can''t talk about it.” Serena stands up and runs to the toilet.  
Ms. Claire opens the shop and Serena soon joins her. Make up perfect and no one will believe, that she has spend the most of the night crying her eyes out.

A couple of weeks later Serena calls Nan. “Hi, Nan. It's me Serena.”  
“Hello darling, lovely to hear your voice.” Nan greets when she answers the phone.   
“I...I...when....” Serena moans frustrated, when she can't get the word out of her mouth.  
“Take your time, Love.” Nan says calm.  
“When does Bernies admission test ends?” She finally asks.  
“It has already ended.” Nan answers surprised.  
“Did...did she pass?” Serena asks nervous.  
“Of course. I didn't expect anything else.” Nan says proud.  
“Oh. Where is she now? Is she in Holby?” Serena is confused.  
“No. She decided to stay for a couple of extra courses.” Nan explains soothingly.  
“Do you know, when or if she comes back here?” Serena can feel the tears building in her eyes.  
“I don't know. Sorry love.” Nan excuses.  
“Okay, bye Nan.” Serena whispers and hangs up. She's at Ms. Knits. She's on her break and she's missing Bernie. She finds a sheet of paper and the envelope she has prepared from home and begins to write a letter.   
“Dear Bernie.  
It's time for you to come back.” The first lines of the letter is easy for her to write. She finishes the letter fast, but before she can fold it and put it in the envelope, the bell rings and announces a new costumer. She walks into the shop to help the costumer. A few minutes later Ms. Claire comes down from her appartment above the store. She finds Serenas letter. Suddenly she understands it all. She writes an extra line in the letter and puts it in the envelope.  
“Serena, I'm on my way to the post office. I saw your letter. I'll post it for you. Or isn't it finished?” She informs.  
“It's finished. You can take it. Thank you.” Serena answers with a smile, that doesn't reach her eyes. Little does she know, what Ms. Claire has written in her letter.


	32. New realizations

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I still don't know how the RAMC is. Please forgive me.
> 
> Thank you for your comments and kudos.

“I MISS YOU.” Bernie reads the last sentence of the letter over and over again. Serena has finally written a letter for her again. It's not like the previous letters she has received from her. This letter is more like a rant. Bernie can read between the lines, how angry Serena is at her and then she ends the letter with these three words. Bernie is confused, but she now knows, what she wants. She reads the letter one more time before she hides it in her book. She walks to the students counselors office and knocks.  
“Come in.” She hears and enters the room. She salutes and stands staight in front of the counselor.  
“At ease, Private Wolfe” The counselor says. “How can I help you?”  
“Yes, sir. I want to go back to university as soon as possible, Sir.” Bernie says firm.  
“Okay. Please sit down and let us forget the military formalities.” The counselor shows her a chair in front of his desk. “I'm Sam Finley.”  
“Thank you, Berenice Wolfe, but please call me Bernie.” She answers.  
“Okay Bernie. Why do you want to go back to university? If I remember right, you're one of the promissing candidates, that have chosen to take a few more courses.” He begins.  
“I...I.. well. The truth is, that..erm..there's someone at home, who need me.” Bernie stutters.  
“Family?” Sam asks.  
“Yes.” Bernie doesn't know why she says that, but she really hopes that Serena will be her family in the future.  
“Who? If I may ask.” Sam continues.  
“My Nan...erm...my grandmother.” Bernie answers.   
“Alright. I can't see any problems for you to go back. You've finished the admission test and passed. The extra courses you can always complete later, before entering the educational program for the RAMC. You can study medicine at university as planned. Having passed the admission test doesn't mean, that you have to finish you education in medicine in the military. You only need to attend the physical and military education here. When you're ready to begin to practise medicine, you'll need to do it in a military hospital. Most of the staff in the RAMC have done it that way.” Sam tells her calmly.  
“Thank you. I just thought...but my father once told me that....” Bernie sighs confused.  
“It's the oldfashioned way. I reckon you grew up in the army?” Sam smiles.  
“Yeah. Guilty.” Bernie mutters.  
“Welcome in the club. And your father is still in the army?” Sam looks at Bernie.  
“Major Wolfe. He's stationed in Scotland at the moment.” Bernie says matter of factly.  
“Don't be sad about that. Growing up in the army gives you a great advantance. You know the discipline and order required here. Letting our RAMC students stay in university instead of only educating them here have given us far better resources and a better medical staff” Sam explains. He continues to help Bernie fill out the correct papers. When they're finished Bernie salutes Sam Finley and he dismisses her. Eventhough the session has been relaxed, they have to stay military correct in the end. Bernie goes back to her bunk to pack her bags. She's relieved, that she can go back to university and most important of all – Serena. 

Serena can't believe the note she finds beside the phone, when she arrives at home. It's Rafs who has left the note.  
“Message from Nan: Bernie arrives tomorrow.”  
“Raf? Are you home?” She shouts.  
“Yeah. One moment.” He shouts back. “I'll be back soon, sorry.” She hears him whisper to someone in the spare room and then she hears a kiss.  
“Who's the visitor?” Serena teases.  
“No one. At least not yet. It's quite new.” He blushes.  
“When did Nan call me?” She holds up the note.  
“Oh, that. It's only a few hours ago. You must be happy, that Bernie's coming home.” He states.  
“Yeah.” Serena mumbles.  
“Not quite?” Raf tilt his head.  
“I don't know. I don't understand. Why now. I haven't heard a word from her since she ran away and then she doesn't have the guts to call me herself.” Serena is beginning to get angry.  
“Wait a minute Serena. Her Nan called because Bernie has tried to call you all morning.” He interrupts her rant. “She's on her way to Holby now and she'll travel back here tomorrow. The new term begins monday – you know.”  
“I know.” She sighs. Realizing that Bernie is probably only coming back to study. She walks into the kitchen and opens a bottle of Shiraz. She doesn't bother to find a glass or something to eat. She walks into her room and slams the door behind her. She rips off her clothes, except from her briefs and puts on an old t-shirt. She crawls into bed and drinks a big drag of the wine, sitting with her back against the wall. She finds a pillow to protect her back and takes another drag of the wine. Finally she let the tears run free. The bottle is soon empty and she sinks under the duvet. She hides her face in the pillow and begins to sob. She hears a knock on the door.  
“Serena? Are you alright?” She hears Raf. She doesn't answer him. She hears him open the door and feels the dip of the matress, when he sits down on the edge of her bed. He lays a hand on her back.  
“Serena. Do you want to talk?” He asks soothingly.  
“Nooooo. Leave me alone.” She continues to cry. Raf walks out of her room and lets her be alone.  
“Sorry honey, but you need to go. Serena isn't feeling well.” She hears Raf say in the hall. Then a kiss.   
“See you tomorrow.” Some one answers. “Please take care of her.”  
What? Wait? She knows that voice. She had never thought...Wow that's a surprise. Raf and Abigail. No, it can't be right. It must be the wine. Raf comes back into her room.  
“If you want to talk, then you know where I am.” He says calm.  
“Thank you” She mumbles. She's happy that Raf has been living in the spare room for the last month. After Jac has moved in with Fletch, Raf wanted to give them some space. That's what he had told Serena, but she's sure it was because her friend was concerned about how she coped that Bernie has run away. Only Raf knows the truth about her love for Bernie. This way he could help her keep it as a secret. She wonders if some of their friends have figured it out.

The next day Serena is very nervous, when she arrives at work.  
“Serena, darling, what a beautiful blouse. Is it new?” Ms. Claire greets her.  
“Yes. I bought it last week.” Serena answers.   
“Why isn't it homemade?” Ms. Claire asks.  
“Well, it was a good bargain. It would be more expensive to sew it myself.” Serena explains.  
“Oh. Bargains are going to be the end of my shop.” She jokes.  
“I don't think so, but I do love a good bargain.” Serena smirks.  
Bernie is standing outside the shop, with a badly wrapped present. “She really looks beautiful.” She sighs.  
The bell at the door rings. Serena turns around to greet the next costumer. She's shocked when she realizes, who stands in front of her.  
“Bernie?” She whispers.  
“Hi.” Bernie says shy looking at Serena through her fringe and hiding the present behind her back.  
“Serena, I forgot to tell you, that Jeff asked for you earlier.” Ms. Claire informs walking into the shop from the back.  
“Jeff?” Bernie mumbles. “Are you back together?”


	33. New perception

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Serena learns Ms. Claires biggest secret.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for your comments and kudos

Bernies hope withers away within seconds. She turns away and walks out of the shop before Serena can answer her. She fears her answer too much.  
“Bernie wait.” Serena shouts to stop her, but Bernie is already gone. She knows it'll be a bad idea to follow her. She have to wait until she's home. Serena hopes, that Bernie will be in the flat.  
“Where did Bernie go?” Ms. Claire asks curious. Serena only shruggs her shoulders. “Let's get a cuppa.” Ms. Claire pulls Serena with her into the back. “Sit.” She commands. Serena is too shocked to protest. Soon she sits with a hot cup of tea in her hands.  
“I...I...didn't expect her to show up here.” She finally whispers.  
“Are you alright? I mean seeing her. You look quite shaken” Ms. Claire asks calm.  
“I don't know. I've prepared what I wanted to say to her and then....Well you saw what happened. I just froze on the spot. I couldn't say a single word to her.” Serena mumbles.  
“Let me tell you a story. It's about how I nearly lost the love of my life.” She says gentle.  
“What, wait. Bernie isn't...” Serena protests looking at her with wide open eyes.  
“I'm sure she is. I read your letter and you've been miserable since she went away.” Ms. Claire says matter of factly.  
“I'm so confused.” Serena groans.  
“I know my darling. Please listen. I was around your age. We met in the community club. It was the rehearsals of the annual play. I was sewing the costumes. She was the...” She begins.  
“She? But..but?” Serena interrupts.  
“Yes, she. Please let me continue.” She pleads and Serena shuts up. “She had the leading role. I had to sew 3 or 4 outfits for her. I fell in love with her the first time I saw her. I had to take her measurement for the costumes. Her body was perfect. Because of her leading role and her many outfits, we spent a lot of time together. We soon became friends. She had a boyfriend and my heart ached every time I saw or thought about her, knowing that we could never be a couple. Firstly she was engaged to her boyfriend. Secondly; being a lesbian back then wasn't acceptable in the community. And finally; I was too afraid to tell her about my feelings. I would rather stay friends with her, than lose her if she knew the truth about who I was.”   
“What happended?” Serena asks eagerly.  
“After the party at the opening night, we kissed. I couldn't get enough of kissing her. Suddenly it appeared to me, that she was going to marry her boyfriend soon. I stopped and let her stand back all alone. The next day I convinced her, that the kiss was a drunken mistake. The next couple of weeks we didn't talk much to each other. I was heartbroken.” She takes a break and looks down on her ring on her left hand. She sniffles and Serena observes how she tries to hold her tears back.  
“I'm so sorry.” Serena lays a hand over Ms. Claires hand.  
“I'm not finished. We grew closer again and she broke her engagement. Luckily her boyfriend had an affair with one of the other actresses and she found out shortly after we had kissed the first time. On the final day of the play, I told her about a job offer, I'd received the same day. I was going to be a nanny for three lovely children in Liverpool. She was so dissapointed. She wished me good luck, but in the same breath she told me, that she wanted me to stay. We kissed once more. I was so happy until she told me, that she had fallen in love with me. I got scared and I ran away to Liverpool. I wasn't ready to commit to her. I worked as a nanny for a year. I came back because I missed her so much. I wasn't sure if we could be friends again or if she still loved me.” A lonely tear runs down her cheek. She takes a sip of her tea.  
“It sounds like an unhappy ending.” Serena sighs and ponders about the similarities with her and Bernies story.  
“I wanted to meet her again, but I was also afraid. I began to work here in the shop for my mother. One day she suddenly stands in front of me. More beautiful, than I've ever seen her. My mother had told me, than she had seen her together with her old boyfriend at a concert the week before. Little did I knew, that they had only been chatting. He was now happily married to the girl, he had the affair with. My mother was the one, that helped us realize, that we couldn't live without each other.” Ms. Claire smiles.  
“Wow. Does my mum know?” Serena asks astounded.  
“No. Do you remember my cousin Maureen?” She puts out.  
“Yes. She died a couple of years ago.” Serena answers.  
“Serena, she wasn't my cousin.” Ms. Claire states.  
“She was the love of your life?” Serena says surprised. Ms. Claire nods and a few more tears runs down her cheeks.  
“Yes. I'm happy we got 20 years together, but I miss her so much. Please don't do the same mistake as I did. Go home and talk to Bernie.” She whispers. Serena gives Ms. Claire a long hug before she rises from her chair.  
“Thank you for telling me.” Serena says while putting on her coat. “Just curious, but have you ever thought of finding a new life partner?”  
“No. Maureen was my soulmate. I can't do it to her. I'll never find someone like her. Serena, she is the love of my life. It wouldn't be fair to a new partner.” Ms. Claire explains.  
“I think I understand.” Serena says and pats Ms. Claires hand before she walks out of the room.

The heavy door to the terrasse on their roof burst open and Bernie staggers outside. She needs fresh air. She needs time and space to figure out, why Serena wrote, that she misses her, when she's apparently back together with Jeff. She stops her lines of thoughts, when she sees another person sitting on the roof. It's Claude. Their french and very gay neighbour. He and Bernie have often talked up here. Sometimes they've just sat together without saying a word. They had founded 'Gays on the roof ' shortly after Bernie and Serena moved in.  
“Do you mind?” Bernie asks.  
“No. You're welcome” Claude answers looking unhappy. Bernie sits down next to him.  
“Professional or personal problem? If I may ask.” She asks soft.  
“May I say both?” Claude answers. “And you?”  
“Personal.” Bernie sighs.  
“The one that got away?” He questions.  
“Very much the one.” Bernie whispers. They then sit in silence for a few minutes, just observing life in the building on the other side of the street.  
“I like Morris.” Claude says dreamingly.  
“I really like Serena.” Bernie confesses.  
“I don't understand why, they do that to us.” Claude jokes.  
“Me neither. Have you ever considered to turn. I mean...perhaps we could...” Bernie suggests.  
“Non. I couldn't. Never. Well you're nice and a good friend, but just the thought of...non.” Claude protests.  
“Good. It would be a shame.” Bernie laughs.

Serena arrives at home, when Bernie's back in the flat again.  
“Hi. Welcome home.” Serena says uncertain.  
“It's good to be back.” Bernie says shy.  
“Good.” Serena wants to hug Bernie, but she stays where she is.  
“So? The elephant in the room. Jeff is back in the picture?” Bernie looks like a wounded animal.  
“No. It was just one night. It was a mistake. It was wrong. I..I..” Serena stammers.  
“You don't have to explain. It's not like we..you know. You can do what you want.” Bernie says surpressing her anger and how hurt she is. She turns around and walks into her room. She closes the door behind her and lets Serena stand back alone. When she's safe in her room she leans her back against the door and slides down to sit on the floor. Cursing her own weakness. She has hoped Serena had welcomed her home in a more loving way. She hears footsteps in the hall. They stop for a few seconds outside her room. It was Serena. Why didn't she say something? Why didn't she knock on the door? Bernie is sure, that she has not only lost the love of her life, she has lost her best friend too. She can't stay here any longer.


	34. New meddling

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bernie and Serenas friends has a plan

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for your comments and kudos

“We need to do something. Bernie has been home for more than a week now. I had hoped for a much happier reunion than this.” Raf bursts out frustated.  
“I know.” Sacha confirms before they walk into the auditorium. They find a seat and observes how Bernie sits alone in the back. Serena arrives flustered just seconds before the professor. She takes a seat as far away from Bernie as she can. She wears heavy make up to camouflage her lack of sleep.  
“I might have a plan.” Ric whispers.  
“Good let's meet outside at lunch.” Raf answers. He writes a note to the rest of the group. They need all the help they can get.  
They meet under the big oak tree. Raf, Sacha, Ric, Henrik, Roxanna and even Jac, who normally wants to be let alone, but now as she's together with Fletch, she has begun to be a more regular part of the group.  
“Hey, Raf what's the emergency? I got your message from Jac.” They hear Fletch shout.   
“Great. I think everybody are here now.” Raf states.  
“Luckily, I have the afternoon off. I can't stand to talk more about paint today.” Fletch groans.  
“I thought you loved to work in the DIY store.” Sacha jokes. He knows that Fletch only works there, because he needs the money to pay for his education to be a nurse.  
“Okay guys, I think we're all concerned about Bernie and Serena.” Ric begins. They all nods.  
“I'd do almost anything to get rid of the cold air between them. I'm the ice queen – you know. I feel rather chipper compared to them.” Jac mutters.  
“I think I have an idea.” Ric smirks.  
“Tell us, please.” Roxanna sighs.  
“We need to find a way to force them to talk. I don't think it will go well, if they have an audience, so we need to find a place, where they can be alone.” He informs.  
“I think it's a job for us.” Fletch giggles and nudges Raf in the ribs with an elbow.  
“What about this afternoon. Serena and I are due to be in the wet lab together.” Henrik says calm, while sneaking an arm around Roxannas back. She leans her head against his shoulder.  
“Bingo! It's perfect. I'm sure I can fix the door, so it can't be open from the inside.” Raf grins.  
“Now we just need to find an excuse to pursuade Bernie to enter the room too.” Sacha claims.  
“I'm Bernies wet lab partner. I can convince her to think I've switched lab time with Hanssen and Serena.” Jac says nonchalant.  
“Great. That's our plan.” Raf reaches his hand out and they all lays a hand on top of it.  
“To love.” Roxanne cheers.  
“To love.” They all repeats in unison and they end their meeting. Fletch and Raf walks to Fletch's car to pick up some tools to manipulate the lock.

Meanwhile, Bernie has the courage to talk to Serena, who sits alone and eats her salad.  
“Do you mind if I take a seat?” Bernie mumbles.  
“No, it's a free country.” Serena mutters without looking at Bernie.  
“I just want to let you know, that you might need to find a new roommate. I've asked for a transfer to Holby university.” Bernie almost whispers.  
“What? Why?” Serena turns around to look at Bernie.  
“I don't think this is going to work.” Bernie rises and walks away, fighting against the tears building in her eyes. She seeks out her safe spot, where she knows, that she can be alone. It's a big tree on the back of the university. The last week she has spent many hours on a branch, with her back against the trunk, thinking. She crawls up in the tree. The leaves hides her existence well. She lits a cigaret to calm herself down. She had hoped for Serena to beg her to stay. To be honest she doesn't want to transfer and haven't yet asked for one. She had just said that to Serena to have a reason to talk to her.  
Back inside she meets Jac.  
“Wolfe! I've traded our time in the wet lap with Hanssen and Serena. Hope it's okay.” Jac informs.  
“Okay. But why? If I may ask.” Bernie asks confused.  
“It's personal. I have somewhere to be at 4.” Jac continues. Bernie doesn't questions, what Jac tells her. She knows that's Jac doesn't bother to make things up. She's sure that Jac has her reasons and she only nods her acceptance.

Serena is waiting for Henrik in the wet lab. She's beginning to get angry, because he's late. Suddenly Bernie enters the lab, busy talking with someone outside the lab.  
“Bernie? What are you doing here? Henrik and I have reserved this lab for the next two hours.” She asks surprised. Bernie looks at her as a frightend animal, looking for a way to escape.  
“Ermmm. Jac told me, that..” She begins to explain, when the door slams shut and the lock clicks. Through the window the smiling faces of Fletch and Raf greets them. Bernie tries to open the door and finds out, that the lock has been manipulated.  
“What do we do know?” She groans.  
“I'll try the intercom.” Serena presses the button, but nothing happens.  
“The wire isn't connected.” Bernie shows her the piece. “ I can try to repair it, if you want.”  
“No. I think they're right.” She points at the boys. They hold a sign saying: “Please talk to each other.” in front of them.  
“To be true, I...I haven't been honest to you.” Bernie stutters, she sits on the edge of the table and has her back turned to the door and can't see, that the boys have changed their signs. Serena reads the sign saying: “Tell her your love her.” and gets distracted.  
“Please, I can't tell you, if I'm not sure you're listening.” Bernie moans.  
“I'm listening.” Serena changes, where she stands, so she can't see the boys. She now stands beside Bernie with her back turned halfway away from the door.  
“I like you. Erm..oh God...I more than like you. And now I've messed things up. I've done the wrong things. I've said the wrong things. When I was at the admission test, there was only one thing I could think about...That was you, Serena.” She takes a small break. “It still is.”  
“Right.” Serena sighs. “So we pick up, where we left off, with me begging you not to leave in front of the whole univesity and you went off regardless.”  
“I wanted to commit to you. I did.” Bernie protest.  
“Yeah, but you still left.” Serena answers disappointed.  
“We had become such close friends. I've destroyed too many friendships in my life. I...got scared. I didn't.....want to destroy ours.” She explains with pain in her voice.  
“So....my letters you responded to with.....nothing?” Serena says confused.  
“It was rubbish...I know.” Bernie shakes her head. “I'm sorry.” She whispers honest and looks Serena directly in the eyes.  
“I've...I..I hoped something has changed.” She says hopeful.  
“I..I've changed.” Bernie interrupts. “I don't want that empty, lonely feeling ever again.” They look longingly at each other. A sound outside the door makes them turn around.  
“What are they doing.” Bernie asks and nods at their friends outside the door. Raf and Fletch are no longer alone. The rest of the gang are there too.  
“I believe they're playing Cupid.” Serena states.  
“How...how is that working for them?” Bernie stutters and looks at Serena with a small smile.  
“Not very well, considering that you're leaving again.” Serena says matter of factly.  
“I won't....if you give me a reason to stay.” Bernie says weak. Her eyes beaming with love.  
“Will this do?” Serena flings herself at Bernie and kisses her desperately. Bernie runs her hands around Serenas shoulders to pull her closer. Too engrossed with each other, they don't register the cheers from the hall. Raf unlocks the door before the gang leaves the lovebirds alone.


	35. New landscapes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Very much NSFW. *Smut*
> 
> This is the chapter I've re-written the most. I hope you like it.
> 
> Thank you for your comments and kudos.

“I've dreamt of this for so long.” Bernie sighs, when they take a break to breathe.  
“Me too.” Serena confirms and pecks Bernies lips. “Let's go home.”  
“We can't. The door is locked.” Bernie presses the handle to show Serena. When the door opens she looks surprised at a laughing Serena.  
“Come on.” Serena takes Bernies hand and pulls her into the hall.  
They walk hand in hand back to the flat. As soon as they're inside Bernie pushes Serena against the wall. She looks Serena deep in the eyes. Serena register how much love Bernies eyes show. Bernie caresses one of Serenas cheeks and kisses the other cheek. Her lips continues to her neck. Using time at her pulsepoint. Serena moans. She runs her hands down Serenas body and lets one of her hands rest on a breast. Touching them is even better than Bernie had imagined.  
“You are so beautiful.” She whispers in Serena ear before sucking her earlope. Serena gets weak in her knees. She fights against the urge to let her legs give in. She sneaks her arms around Bernies neck. Her fingers kneads the blonde curls, while Serenas lips finds Bernies lips. She presses her body against Bernie. She can't get close enough. Bernies hands runs up and down on Serenas back pulling her closer too. Her hands then rest on Serenas bottom. She lifts a little and Serena understands what she wants. Serena makes a little jump and curls her legs around Bernies hips. Her arms are still around Bernies neck. They continues to kiss deeper and deeper. Suddenly Bernie stops and Serena growls disappointed.  
“We need to breathe too.” She smirks and begins to walk to her bedroom, still carrying Serena. Inside the room she gives her the sign to untangle her legs. Serena puts her feet back on the floor without letting go of Bernie. She gives Bernie a small kiss, then leans back and looks her in the eyes.  
“I more than like you too.” She whispers and kisses her cheekbone, then her neck. She begins to unbotton Bernies shirt. Kissing her chest after every botton. By the third botton Bernie stops her. Grabs her hand and forces her to look at her.  
“No.” She says firm. Serena looks confused at her.   
“Why? What? I...you..” Tears begin to build in Serenas eyes.  
“Shush. Don't be sad.” Bernie stops her protest by holding a finger to Serenas lips. “I just want your first time with a woman to be special.” She continues with love in her voice.  
“I know it will be. Just being with you...here....is special.” Serenas hugs Bernie and kisses her on the cheek before she pulls her to the bed. For a very long time Serena has dreamt of this moment. She has tried to prepare herhelf in a scientific way by asking Jen and Patsy about lesbian sex but they just told her, that she will feel what's right, if she would end up in bed with a woman. They comforted her by telling her, that she would most likely know, when she does something good. If she end up with the right partner, the sex will be better and better, when they know each other better.   
“You'll slowly find out the do's and don'ts.” Patsy had encouraged her. “But every woman is different.”  
Serena forces Bernie to sit down on the edge of the bed. She begins to take off her clothes slowly in a really sensual way. Making a show for Bernie. They way Bernie looks at her, she can almost feel her love caress her body. When she stands only in her underwear Bernie stops her.  
“Please, come here. I wan't to feel you.” She says softly and hold out a hand. Serena walk to Bernie, who immidiately rises and kisses her deep. Letting her fingers brush through Serenas long chestnut hair.  
“My turn.” She say smooth. She pushes Serena back against the bed. “Sit.” Serena does, what Bernie demands. Bernie quickly strips down to her underwear. She walks back to the bed. Letting Serena watch her body for a few seconds.  
“Wauw. Your body looks so strong and sexy.” Serena feels her arousal between her legs.  
“Crawl higher up in the bed.” Bernie pleads. Serena pushes the duvet onto the floor and crawl back into the bed.  
“Last time we were in this bed together....” Serena begins. Bernie pushes her to lay on her back and she kisses her before she can finish her sentence. She caresses her right breast through her bra. She can feel how her nipples stiffens. A thumb runs over her right nipple and she can't hold back a moan. She arches her back. Bernie now gives her left breast the same attention before peeling of Serenas bra. She kisses down her neck and collarbone. Her tongue continues to lick circles on Serenas left nipple. Bernie uses her fingers to teases the right nipple at the same time. She takes small breaks to relish in the beautiful sight underneath her. What a delightful landscape. Serena begins to whimper, when Bernie hits the right spots. When Bernies right hand continues its journey down Serenas body, she feels how Serena suddenly gets more tense. She stops what she's doing and looks Serena in the eyes.  
“We don't have to finish if you don't want to.” Bernie says calm.  
“I want to continue.” Serena whispers unsure.  
“But?” Bernie says lovingly.  
“I don't know what to do.” She answers shy.  
“Don't worry. Just relax. First I'll make you feel better.” She strokes her nose with her own.  
“Okay. Will you teach me what to do?” She stutters.  
“Of course. Communication is important in bed. You need to tell me, what you want and I must read the signs your sending me, just like I did a few moments ago. I felt, that you were unsure and I stopped to be sure, that I don't do anything, that you don't want me to do.” Bernie explains. “Do you understand?” Serena nods and pecks Bernies nose.  
“I want us to take off the rest of our underwear.” Serena sighs. Bernie leans back and takes of her underwear. She lays a hand on Serenas stomach, when she begins to move.  
“I'll take care of those.” Bernie says in a husky voice and lays her body on top of Serenas.  
Bernie takes her time to learn Serenas body. When she's certain, that Serena is ready for her to go further, she runs her hand down to the top of Serenas knickers and pulls them of. She lays her hand on top of Serenas pubic hairs and stops.  
“Please Bernie. I can't wait anymore.” She growls and Bernie runs two fingers through her wet curls, surprised how aroused Serena is. She does this a few more times.“ Wow, you're so wet.” Serena moves her pelvis to get Bernie to touch her where she wants her the most. She presses two fingers past her outer lips and just an inch into Serenas wet core.  
“Please. I need more. Bernie please.” Serena babbles on and on. Bernie penetrates her all the way in with the two fingers. Pauses for a few seconds for Serena to get comfortable with the feeling, before she continues to move them in and out in a more and more frantic pace.  
“Yes...Yes...Yes. This feels so good. Yes. More, more. Yes.” Serena shouts out louder and louder. Bernie lets her thumb stroke Serenas clit everytime the fingers are fully inside her. She places her own wet center against Serenas right thigh and moves in the same frantic rythm as her fingers. She soon feels how her body is beginning to build up to an orgasm. She feels the tingling, that she knows so well. Serena clenches around Bernies fingers to signal, that she's close. Bernie inserts a third finger and keeps moving the fingers in a fast pace. She then sucks Serenas right nipple into her mouth. Scraping her teeth over the stiff nob and labs it with her tongue.  
“I'm....oh....yes. I'm cuming.” Serena screams joyful. Bernie caresses Serenas clit softly with her thumb, while she still moves against her thigh. Soon after Bernie cums with a loud moan. She slides down from Serenas body and lays next to her. Both still panting.  
“Thank you. I've never had a orgasm like that.” Serena sighs a minute later. She turns to peck Bernies lips.  
“You're very welcome.” Bernie says smug and kisses Serena possessively. “I love you.” She finally says to her own surprise. Realizing that she finally knows the true meaning of the words.  
“I love you too.” Serena takes Bernies face in her hands and kisses her again and again, making sure that she kisses every inch of her face. Bernie closes her eyes to enjoy the feeling. Serena ends up cuddling onto her body. With Serena in her arms Bernie pulls the duvet back in the bed and covers their naked bodies. Intwined with each other, they're soon both fast asleep. Sweaty and sated, but very happy.


	36. New promises

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bernie and Serena needs to talk

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for your comments and kudos

Serena slowly wakes up. Sensing Bernies warm chest against her own cheek. It's true. It wasn't a dream. Earlier Bernie made love to her. She rises up on her elbow and admires the adorable sight of a sleeping Bernie. She's so beautiful. It's like every sorrow has left her face. Serena swipes away Bernies fringe from her forehead. She leans forward and kisses first the forehead then Bernies nose and both cheeks. She dwells a short moment before she kisses Bernie on the lips. She feels how Bernie slowly begins to answer her kiss in her sleep. Bernie is soon awake. They continue to kiss slow languid kisses full of love. Serena lets a hand caress Bernies collarbone, before she lets the hand pause on a breast. Bernie lets out a soft moan. Serena slowly runs the hand lower on Bernies body. Suddenly Bernie grabs her wrist.  
“Please stop. I can't continue this right now. I need the loo.” Bernie pleads. Serena stops her trail with disappointment. Bernie crawls out of bed and grabs a shirt on the floor and runs to the loo. When Bernie doesn't come back, Serena starts to panic. She tries to find her shirt, but it's gone. She walks to her room and puts on her dressing gown. She hears noises from the kitchen. She stops in the doorway. Bernie is standing in the kitchen in Serenas shirt, heating up their pasta and tomatosauce leftovers from yesterday. Serena enjoys the sight for a few more seconds before she approaches Bernie.  
“There you are.” She tries not to show how anxious she is.  
“Sorry. I realized that it's way past suppertime and I'm starving. Please sit down.” Bernie informs with a happy smile. “Without food I'm nothing – you know.”  
“Yeah.” Serena sighs and sits down.  
“We need to talk too.” Bernie says sincere. Serena begins to panic again.  
“Are you going to leave me again?” She asks anxious.  
“No. I'll never do that again.” Bernie bursts out. She hands Serena a plate with pasta and sits down next to her.  
“I don't know if I can trust you about that.” Serena whispers.  
“Why not?” Bernie asks with her mouth full of food.  
“Long time ago you promised me the same thing and... and...” Serena hesitates looking down on her plate. A lonely tears runs down her cheek. Bernie lifts Serenas chin with a finger.  
“Serena, please look at me.” Serena makes eyecontact with Bernie and observes the love shining from Bernies eyes. “Please continue.” Bernie says gentle.  
“You've run away from me two times. First at New Years and then to the RAMC. I don't know if I can survive to lose you once more. I need to....I...” Bernie stops what Serena is saying by kissing her possesively.  
“I won't run away again. As I told you earlier, I've changed. I love you so much and I'm sure, that I can't live without you in my life. I was scared, when I ran away. I was afraid, that I was going to ruin our friendship and for a while I thought, that I had done exactly that. That's the reason that we need to talk. I want you to trust me again. But first you need to eat something.” Bernies explains soothingly and nods at Serenas plate.  
“Okay. I think I understand now. Bernie, I love you too. By the way, you look very sexy in my shirt.” Serena pecks her cheek and begins to eat her now lukewarm pasta, while holding Bernies hand. She still needs the skincontact to be sure that Bernie stays.

After finishing supper and cleaning the kitchen, they sit down on the couch in the livingroom. Serena pulls her legs up under her and leans on the back on the couch with one shoulder. She's holding Bernies hand and caresses her knuckles with her thumb.  
“I need to be honest.” She looks at Bernie to get a sign to continue.  
“Okay. I want us always to be honest. We've lost so much time hiding our feelings.” Bernie sighs. “No secrets. Okay?”  
“I can live with that.” Serena confirms. “I can't imagine my life without you. I know, that someone might think, that I'm too young and our relationship is too fresh for me to say that, but the truth is...” She continues.  
“The truth is, that we've been in a relationship for almost a year – sort of...” Bernie finishes Serenas sentence.  
“What?” Serena answers surprised.  
“Think about it. Since we met each other, we've spent a lot of time together. Truth to be told, I've been in love with you for a long time.” Bernie blushes and squeezes Serenas hand.  
“Oh. I think you have a point, but it's not long ago, that I realized, that I'm in love with you. I told you and then you ran away.” The last part comes out of Serenas mouth only as a whisper.  
“Matter of factly I fell in love with you before I met you.” Bernie says shy.  
“How? We already met each other the day after I moved into campus?” Serena says confused.  
“I fell in love with you the day you moved in. I saw you with your parents and Andrew. I thought, that he was you boyfriend and it hurt so much to know, that you wasn't single and I was certain for a long time, that you only loved men.” Bernie kisses Serena softly. “I saw you undress every night before we sewed the curtains. I got so aroused, that I...that I...I...I had to mastubate, before I could fall asleep. From the first day I was so afraid to show you my true feelings or that someone would figure out, that I love you.” Bernie says embarassed.  
“Oh, Bernie. I didn't know.” Serena takes Bernies face in her hands and looks her directly in the eyes and covers it in kisses.  
“Serena. I think you fell in love with me a long time ago too.” Bernie feels brave enough to suggest.  
“Maybe.” Serena shruggs her shoulders and lays down on the couch with her head in Bernies lap. Bernie begins to tread her fingers through Serenas wavy chestnut hair. Enjoying the silky feeling.  
“When I was away this summer I had time to think. Remember the girls night out in Holby?” Bernie says calm.  
“Most of it.” Serena affirms.  
“You pulled me away from my dance with Alex.” Bernie tells.  
“This summer I've had time to think too. I've come to the conclusion, that I was jealouse at Alex, because she could give you, what I couldn't give you at that moment. I was confused and I didn't understand my own feelings. Pulling you away was not a conscious action. I was too drunk. It hurt so much, when you two became a couple. I thought that I had lost my best friend. I didn't realize it was because I was in love with you. You running away to the army nudged me to realize, that I've loved you a lot longer, than I thought myself.” Serena explains tired.  
“Alex was the one, that made me realize, that you might be jealouse. At New Years I talked with her outside, before I pulled you away from you know who.” Bernie is afraid to get angry if she mentions Edwards name.  
“Our first kiss.” Serena sighs. “Bernie it wasn't a drunken mistake. I know you wanted me to believe that, but I was heartbroken, when you disappeared. I only went along with that idea, because I thought it was the only way to get my best friend back.” Serena confesses.  
“Sorry. I paniced. I thought it was for the best. I had dreamt of kissing you for so long. Suddenly it happened and you kissed me back. I was afraid, that you would regret the kiss when you sobered up. I couldn't handle to get hurt, so I took the decision out of your hands.” Bernie clarifies.  
“We've both been stupid. If we had been brave enough, we could've spared a lot of heartache and tears. I cried last night too. I thought, that the only reason you came back, was because you were coming back to finish your studies.” Serena mumbles.  
“I know. I heard you cry. I was too big a coward, not to go to your room and comfort you.” Bernie murmurs.  
“Don't be sorry. We're together now. We just needed the final push from our friends. We need to thank them.” Serena yawns.  
“You're right. Maybe a party? But for now, I think it's time for bed.” Bernie suggests.  
“Yeah.” Serena rises and reaches her hand out. “Come on.” Bernie takes her hand and they walk back to Bernies room.


	37. New journey

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another steamy chapter. 
> 
> NSFW. Smut.
> 
> Thank you for your comments and kudos

Bernie pulls of Serenas shirt and crawl under the duvet only in her knickers. Serena loosens the tie on her dressing gown and lets it fall to floor.  
“If I had known, that you were naked under that gown, I would've ravished you on the couch.” Bernie growls and pulls Serena into the bed. Serena straddles Bernie before she has time to react.  
“It's my turn to ravish you now. This afternoon you didn't gave me a chance to thank you for that magnificent orgasm you gave me.” Serenas eyes turns dark with lust. She bends down and kisses Bernie with a passion, that she has never felt before. A loud moan escapes from Bernies mouth, when Serena continues her trail of kisses down Bernies neck, collarbone and chest. Serena suddenly stops and looks Bernie directly in the eyes.  
“I don't know what to do.” She confesses shy.  
“Don't worry.” Bernie says calm and caresses Serenas cheek with her thumb. “It's not rocketscience.”  
“But...I...I...don't...I've never...I mean....” Serena stutters uncertain.  
“I know. If I'm correct you've tried to study how to be with a woman, when you realized, that you had fallen in love with me, but you didn't find anything.” Bernie says soothingly.  
“Yeah. I even asked Jen and Patsy, but they weren't any help.” Serena mutters disappointed.  
“Why? What did they say to you?” Bernie tries not to sound to eager.  
“They said there's many ways, how to sex with a woman. That every woman is different. That it takes time to know what your girlfriend like in bed and that the sex gets better in time.” Serena slides down from Bernies body to lie next to her. She's too embarassed to look her in the eyes. Bernie lifts Serenas chin and pecks her lips softly.  
“Oh darling. They're right. A good ground rules is, that the other woman most likely love the same things as you. You know what you like in bed, right?” Bernie asks concerned.  
“Yeah, but I still don't know if I understand....I....you.....what?...I mean....urgh.” Serena is starting to get frustrated.  
“Shush. Honey, look at me.” Bernie pauses until Serena looks at her. “I know for a fact, that you mastubate. You've told me – remember? The things you like to do to yourself, I'll probably like too.” Bernie smirks with a wink.  
“Ooooh! Now I see.” Serena smiles back.  
“I know you've only had sex with men, but I'm sure some of the men have done some foreplay too. You've told me, that when the men didn't know how to satisfy you, they got kicked out of your bedroom.” Bernie continues while stroking her fingers through Serenas chestnut hair.  
“Remember you promised me earlier to teach me?” Serena says with a spark in her eye.  
“It's easier to just do what you feel like to do and if I don't like it, I'll tell you. Don't be afraid. I'm sure, that I'll love what you'll be doing to me.” Bernie kisses Serenas forehead and nose.  
“I don't want to hurt you.” Serena whispers unsure.  
“You wont.” Bernie assures her. With new self confidence Serena straddles Bernie again.  
“Berenice Griselda Wolfe I love you more than anything in the world, maybe except from Shiraz.” She laughs happy and gives Bernie a sloppy kiss. Her hands begins to explore Bernies body. A thumb runs quick over Bernies left nipple.  
“Yes, that feels good.” She moans to encourage Serena, who continues to use her fingers on the nipple. Serena dives in and closes her mouth around Bernies right breast and gets rewarded with a loud groan. Her hand begins to travel down Bernies body and ends at Bernies knickers.  
“These need to get off.” She growls after popping Bernies nipple out of her mouth. She crawl futher down the bed and pulls the knickers with her.  
Bernie tries to concentrate. She doesn't want to cum too soon. She wants to enjoy this, but with just the anticipation of what's going to happened, she feels her arousel encrease. Serena pauses for what feels like minutes to drink in the sight in front of her.  
“Please.” Bernie whimpers. “I need to feel you.” Serena kneels at the bottom of the bed. Bernie opens her legs to invite Serena to pay attention to her wet center. She's so aroused, that she can feel the wetness leak out of her. Serena slowly runs her tongue from Bernies toes to her thigh. Just as she is about to reach Bernies wet curls, she turns to the other leg and does the same.   
“I really love your long legs. I noticed them, when I first saw you, after your morning run before we met.” Serena murmurs.  
“Serena, please. I can't wait anymore. I...I...” Bernie pleads. A thought pops into Serenas head. She wants to taste Bernie. She slowly trails her tongue from the bottom to the top of Bernies core. It surprises Bernie so much, that she lets out a loud gasp, when her back arches and she pushes her pelvis into Serenas mouth. She uses her hand on Serenas head to force her to stay where she is. At this moment Bernie is becoming very vocal.  
“Yes. Serena. Yes. Oh. Ah. Feels so good. Yes, yes, yes.” Serena begins to play with Bernies sensetive nob. Moving her tongue slow and then fast over the clit. Trying to use a pattern. When she closes her mouth around the nob and begins to suck, Bernie screams out her orgasm.  
“Yes. Oh. Ahhhhh.” And she turns silent. Her body jerks, when Serena places a kiss on the clit. Serena crawls up in the bed to lay next to Bernie. She strokes her stomach and pecks her cheek.  
“Where did you learn that?” Bernie finally asks, still a little bit out of breath. She tastes herself, when she kisses Serena possessively.  
“You told me to do, what I feel would be natural and do the things to you, that I like myself, so I did.” Serena answers with great satisfaction.  
“Please, come cuddle with me. I'm too exhausted to return the favor right now.” Bernie sighs. Serena cuddles into Bernie and they begin to kiss very slow and lazy. Their tongues explores each others mouths. This continues for a while without forcing anything. Serena suddenly feels how Bernie gets more demanding. Her hands cubs Serenas ass and Bernie stops the kissing.  
“Please trust me. I want to taste you too. Try to climb up here and lower you delicious center over my mouth.” Bernie says pushing Serena a little to show her, what she means.  
“Oh. I...sure...but..” Serena stutters surprised before doing, what Bernie wants her to do. The feeling of Bernies tongue against her wetness is almost unbearable. She now realize how aroused she has got from satisfying Bernie.  
“Ah. Mhh.” Serena bites her own lip and hold her hand on the headboard to steady herself. Bernie has a tight grib at her bottom and dwells in the taste of Serena pussy.  
“You're so wet and you taste so good.” Bernie growls. The vibration of her words travels to Serenas sensitive spot. She feels the tingling all over her body.  
“I...I...aaaarghhh.” Serena cries out loud, when she cums. Bernie pecks soft kisses on her center until she's through her orgasm, but she doesn't stop stimulating Serena and she stiil has Serenas ass in a tight grib. She now uses a thumb to stroke Serenas clit. Serena can feel how she's slowly building up to another orgasm, but then Bernie slows down and begins to stroke her outer lips with her fingers. She continues to use her tongue to penetrate Serenas wet core. Two fingers replaces her tongue and she begins to fuck Serena with the fingers. She succeeds to stimulate the G-spot too.  
All of a sudden everything turns white before Serenas eyes and she cums with a wail. Fluid runs out of her cunt onto Bernies face and chest. What was that? She thinks before she flops down on the bed next to Bernie and everything turns black.  
“Serena, darling, please wake up.” She hears Bernie say flustered.  
“I'm here. What happened?” Serena says sleepy.  
“I think you fainted from the orgasm. It was quite a big one.” Bernie says proud.  
“Oh. Now I remember. Sorry. I didn't mean to....you know.” Serena blushes and points at Bernie wet chest. “Pee on you?”  
“It's not pee. You had a female ejaculation.” Bernie laughs with a proud look on her face.  
“It's not funny.” Serena pouts.  
“It's what many women hunt for years to achieve.” Bernie explains.  
“Oh. Wow. Let's get some sleep. I'm exhausted.” Serena breathes out.  
“We need to change the bedding first or we have to sleep in your bed. And I need a bath.” Bernie informs.  
“Okay.” Serena sniggers and make an effort to get out of bed.


	38. New sorrows

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for your comments and kudos

It's the next morning. Bernie und Serena is sitting in the kitchen, eating cereal. They can't stop touching or sending heated glances at each other.  
“I have a funny idea.” Serena smirks.  
“Oh. Does I have to be afraid?” Bernie asks with glee.  
“Yesterday, in the wet lab, our friends pushed us to realize a few things.” Serena begins.  
“Yeah, but...” Bernie says with a questional look.  
“Let's have some fun. Let's pretend, that it didn't went so well between us after they leaved us alone.” Serena says smug.  
“Oh, that's evil. I'm game, but how?” Bernie giggles.  
“We just act like we've done the last week. In class we sit as far away from each other as we can etc.” Serena explains.  
“Honey, that's mean. I don't think it's possible for me. I can't stop adoring you. I'm sure everybody can see how happy and in love I am.” Bernie leans forward and kisses Serena soft on the lips. “I'm so in love with you, that I want to yell it from the rooftops. I want everybody to know.”  
“Even your parents?” Serena feels brave enough to ask. She watches how the light in Bernies eyes disappears with her smile. “Sorry, sorry, sorry, darling. I didn't want to kill your mood.” Serena caresses Bernies cheek with her thumb.  
“They must never know.” Bernie whispers.  
“I know. Sorry. I don't know, what I was thinking. Please don't hate me.” Serena is beginning to get anxious.  
“I would and could never hate you. You're the love of my life. My soumate, I think Nan will call it.” Bernies mood gets a little brighter.  
“Aww honey, that's sweet. I love you so much. I...I...don't know if I can tell my mum. I don't think my dad will have a problem. He just want me to be happy. Mum is sometimes a little oldfashioned and other times, she can be rather modern. Ms. Claire never told her about her lifelong partner. She never came out to my mum. Her partner sadly died a few years ago.” Serena sighs.  
“I'm sorry. I didn't know that she's a lesbian.” Bernie says surprised.  
“Me neither. Not before she told me last week. You know, when you came to the shop. She saw how chocked I was to see you again. She told me her story. It's much like ours. I'll tell you later. We don't have the time right now, but she was the one who pushed me to go home and talk to you. It didn't go well, but it wasn't her problem. We were the problem.” Serena smiles at her beaming with her love for Bernie.  
“It doesn't matter anymore. We're finally together and I'll never let you go. And again I'll promise you, that I'll never run away, when I get scared. We belong together.” Bernies eyes are teary from happiness. “ I love you.” She sighs before she kisses Serena and rises. “We need to go now. I won't be late for class. Todays subject is trauma surgery. And I can't wait to hear what the guest lecturer has to tell.” She continues excided.  
“Sorry. I've forgotten all about it. I'm ready in 5.” Serena walks to her room to do her make up.

They walk hand in hand from the flat to the campus. Just before they reach campus Bernie lets go of Serenas hand.  
“Sorry. I really love you, but it's still dangerous to show our love everywhere.” She whispers.   
“I know, darling. Don't be sorry. I know you love me with your whole heart. Your whole body in fact. You showed me that more than once yesterday. I'm surprised that I can walk today.” Serena begins and Bernies blushes.  
“Thank you for the compliment.” Bernie grins proud.  
“My body aches in places I've never felt before.” Serena say matter of factly. “To be honest, I can't wait to learn more about my body.” She continues. “In a sexual way.” She growl in Bernies ear.  
“Oh.” Bernie pretends to be chocked but she can't hold back one of her loud honks.

All their friends can't stop smiling at them. Raf gives them a thumbs up, when he sees them enter the auditorium.  
“Hmm. That the final death of my evil idea to have some fun.” Serena mutters.  
“I never liked the idea to be honest.” Bernie mumbles.  
The guest lecturer enters the room and the auditorium falls silent. It turns out, that the guest lecturer is sitting in a wheelchair, but he's still in his army uniform.  
“Good morning. I'm Major Bourne-Hatten. I know you didn't expect a disabled lecturer today. I got my injuries when a mine exploded. My unit was on a mission in an area with hidden minefields. Some of my mates wasn't as lucky as I was. You now think, how can it be a lucky thing to be bound to a wheelchair. It's quite simple. I survived, they didn't. Working as a trauma surgeon can be very dangerous. I'm firstly a professional soldier, but also a trauma surgeon. You need to have a military education to work as a trauma surgeon in the RAMC, but most of my medical collegues in the RAMC has the medicine as their first priority. You don't have to work in the army to be a trauma surgeon, but it's where most of us work. My dream is, that every hospital will have a trauma unit in the future. That's why I'm here today. I want to plant a seed. I want you to consider, what the benefit of a trauma unit could be.” The major introduces himself. Bernie is so engrossed in the Majors idea, that she doesn't register that Serenas face turns white.  
“Serena you need to breath.” Ric, who sits on the other side of Serena, touches her light on her arm. He had heard her gasp, when the major entered the room.  
“Thank you.” She mouths to him.  
When the Major call for a break, Serena is one of the first to leave the room. Henrik is right behind her. He knows, that she need a friend right now and he has volentered, when Ric has send a note to him, Raf and Sacha.  
“Serena wait.” He grabs her wrist.  
“Henrik, I want to be alone.” She protests.  
“No, you won't. You need a friend right now. Come with me.” Henrik pulls her into an empty room, the students normally use, when they study together. “Tell me what's wrong.” He asks calmly.  
“I...I...She...I...just...” She stutters.  
“Don't panic now. Breathe with me. In 2 3 4. Out 2 3 4.” Serena does what Henrik tells her to do. When she relaxes a little, Henrik tries again.  
“What's wrong?” He rubs her arm and makes her sit down..  
“I...I just realized, that I can lose Bernie if she follows her dream. You saw what had happened to the major.” She begins to cry silently and hides her face in her hands.  
“I understand, what you mean, but she can end up helping many.” Henrik tries to assure her.  
“We've just found each other. I can't lose her. I won't survive it.” Serena whispers and looks at Henrik.  
“I'm sure you will, but Bernie's still here. We need to go back. The break is almost over, but Serena you must promise me to talk with Bernie about this. It's her dream, yes, but you two are in this together now and she must know how anxious you are. Promise me to use the lunchbreak to tell her.” He pleads.  
“I don't know if I can. I...I...it's her dream Henrik.” Serena begins to panic again.  
“Serena, now is the time for you to be extra brave. I think Bernie will understand. I believe she'll try to live her dream though, but you two need to figure out a plan, so she can live her dream and you're comfortable with it. Just remember that she loves you more than anything in the world. I don't want you to convince her to give up her dream.” Henrik says soothingly.  
“Yeah. I know you're right. You're always so sensible. Thank you. Let's go back.” Serena murmurs.  
“You might want to visit the bathroom first.” Henrik suggests and point at her face.  
“Okay. You're a true friend. Thank you.” Serena gives him a hug and rushes to the bathroom to touch up her make up.


	39. New future

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for your comments and kudos. I really appreciate every single one.

“Hey, Honey, what's wrong?” Bernie touches Serenas arm.  
“What?” Serena becomes aware of Bernie talking to her. She hasn't heard a word of what Bernie has said the last 10 minutes, where she has been babbling about how amazing the major and his ideas are. And that she can't wait to join the RAMC to be able to do a really important job.  
“What's wrong? You haven't said a word since we sat down and you're only picking on your food.” Bernie asks concerned.  
“Mmh. Nothing. I was just thinking.” Serena don't know how to tell Bernie, that shes's afraid of losing her. That she's afraid, that she might die, when she begins to work in the RAMC.  
“Liar! Serena look at me.” Bernie demands, but Serena keep herself occupied with her food.  
“Bernie, please.” Serena whispers, hard for anyone to hear except herself.  
“Look at me!” Bernie forces Serena to have eyecontact with her. “Tell me.”  
“I...I...Henrik said....you....I can't....without you....” Serena stutters and begins to fidget with a tread on her sleeve.  
“I don't understand a thing of what you're saying.” She takes both of Serenas hands in hers and caresses her knuckles with her thumbs. “Take a deep breath and try again please. Remember, what we promised each other last night. No secrets. Come on my love.” Bernie encourage her. Serena inhales a few times before she begins to speak in a weak voice.  
“It suddenly became so real. Seeing the major in his wheelchair. I got scared.” She pauses.  
“Afraid of what?” Bernie says confused.  
“You might die.” Serena mumbles.  
“We're all going to die sometime in the future, but not now.” Bernie says matter of factly, not realizing, what Serena is actually saying.  
“Stop making fun of me. I mean it Bernie. You might die while working in the RAMC. I know it's your dreamjob and I won't hold you back, but I'm so scared. I can't imagine a life without you. You're the love of my life.” Serena finally allows herself to cry in front of her partner and Bernie pulls her in for a tight hug.  
“I'll never leave you. You're the love of my life too. I can't promise you not to die or get injured in the RAMC, but I'll do my best to come back to you in one piece every time, that I'm going on a tour. Is that acceptable?” She explains soothingly into Serenas ear. She feels how Serena nods before she loosens herself from Bernie embrace.  
“Henrik was right, you know.” She murmurs.  
“How?” Bernie caresses Serenas cheek with her hand and Serena leans into it. Enjoying the skincontact.  
“He said, that I needed to tell you that I'm afraid of losing you and that we need to figure out, how you can follow your dream with my approval.” Serena sighs relieved.  
“He's not only a tall swede, but he's a very wise one too.” Bernie smirks. “I believe we need to talk more about this later. And I need to tell you about the army. What to expect.”  
“Yeah. I need that. Lunchbreak is over. I'll try to pay more attention to what the major says. I love you.” Serena kisses Bernie softly, before they walk back to the auditorium, not holding hands, but close together.

The afternoon runs more smoothly. Serena realizes how interesting the Major and his ideas are. When Bernie and Serena arrives at home the phone rings. It's Nan.  
“Hi, Nan.” Bernie answers the phone.  
“Hello pumpkin. Am I right to congratulate?” Nan asks curious.  
“Erm..I don't know what you mean.” Bernie says confused.  
“You and Serena.” Nan explains.  
“How do you know?” Bernie asks happy.  
“I haven't heard you so happy for a long time. I assumed that it was the only reason.” Nan states.  
“Oh. Yeah. We finally worked it all out yesterday.”Bernie clarify.  
“But not without the help from a few friends.” Serena interrupts sneaking up behind Bernie, so she can be a part of the phonecall too. She lays her arm arounds Bernies waist and cuddle into her back.  
“Oh girls. I'm so happy for you two.” Nan says exalted. They keep on talking for a few more minutes before they hang up. Bernie turns in Serenas arm.  
“I love you.” She kisses Serena on the forehead.  
“And I love you.” Serena answers back. “ Let's get something to eat. I think we need that before having a chat about the future.” She continues.

Serena lays snuggled into Bernie on the couch. The TV is showing an old movie, Bernie wanted to watch. Serena doesn't pay much attention to what's on the screen. She enjoys the feeling to be near Bernie. Bernies arm around her back comforts her. She thinks back on their chat earlier. She now understands, why Bernie has to live her dream. How the army is a part of her and how important it is for her to make her father proud of her.  
“Mmmh.” Serena moans, when Bernie begins to caress her back. “I can stay here forever.” She turns her head, so Bernie can kiss her.  
“Me too.” Bernie sighs and gives Serena a lazy kiss. They kiss until they need to breathe.  
“Remember, when we talked about what we wanted from a future partner?” Serena lifts up her torso so she can look Bernie in the eyes.  
“Not quite.” Bernie says honest.  
“I told you, that I wanted a partner who would accept, that I want a career and I know you'll do that. Do you...do you remember the other thing I wish for?” Serena hesitates in the end.  
“Oh. Yes, I do. What about that?” Bernie asks confused.  
“I...I...don't know. What?....I...you...we.” Serena stammers.  
“Serena. I know you want kids. I'm...I've...I've been thinking about it since that talk. I...I think I want kids too. Now I can have them with you.” She says soothingly.  
“You do?” Serena whispers surprised.  
“Yes.” Bernie confirms.  
“I love you so much and I really want to have children with you, but...how?” Serena says uncertain.  
“Never heard of a sperm donor?” Bernie says smug.  
“Oh. Of course, but I haven't thought about it as an option. It's all so new to me. I mean being a lesbian. I know, that I've enjoyed the company of a man in bed, but with you it's so much more. I dream about our future together and...and..” Serena stops talking to kiss Bernie.  
“For me, being with you, it's much more too. More than I've ever experienced with another woman. We're soulmates.” Bernie pecks her on the cheek.  
“Darling? I don't want children right now.” Serena suddenly gets anxious.  
“I know. We're only 20 years old. We have plenty of time.” Bernie assures her.  
“Thank you. I do want children, but...I..” Serena continues.  
“I know. I think it's sensible to wait a few years. Let's promise each other to talk about this again, when we're more establised or when one of us can't wait anymore.” Bernie suggests.  
“I like that.” Serena sighs.  
“Let's go to bed.” Bernie proposes. “It has been a long day.”  
“Yeah.” Serena agrees. “Can we just cuddle? I'm not in the mood for sex today. I got my period earlier.” She says shy.  
“Fine by me. We don't have to make love every night. I think cuddles are quite intimate too and I love holding you in my arms.” Bernie pulls Serena in for a hug. “I got mine too.” She whispers in Serenas ear.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tomorrow I'll upload the last chapter


	40. New titles

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Do they get a happy ending?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the last chapter. I've enjoyed writing this fic.
> 
> Thank you for your comments and kudos. They kept me going, when it was difficult for me.

Five years later.

It's the end of summer 1990. Bernie and Serena now lives in a small house in the outskirts of Holby. To buy the house, they have used most of the money Bernie has inherited from her parents after they died in a car accident a few years ago.  
Serena now works as an F1 in Holby City Hospital. Bernie is continuing her medical education in the nearby military hospital.  
Today they both have the day off and have decided to finish the renovation of their livingroom. Serena is busy with her sewing machine, sewing new curtains and pillowcovers. Bernie is finishing the paintjob. She has been very silent all day and Serena knows, that Bernie has something on her mind. She takes a break from the sewing and leans back in the chair. She begins to fidget with the pendant, her father gave her on her 21th birthday. It's a bad habit, she knows that, but touching the pendant comforts her and makes her think more clear. She wonders what's on Bernies mind, but she has learned, after living with her for more than five years, that she can't push Bernie to tell her what's on her mind. She'll tell her, when she's ready. It's almost suppertime and Serena walks into the kitchen to take a look at the crockpot. Slowcooking is very suitable for a home DIY day.  
“Darling, supper is ready in 15 minutes. You might need to wash off some of the paint on your hands before we eat.” Bernie hears Serena shouts from the kitchen.  
“Okay. I just need to finish the last few strokes and then I'll take a quick shower.” Bernie yells back.  
“That's fine.” Serena confirms.

“So I've done a lot of thinking.” Bernie begins. They're sitting in the livingroom now. Enjoying the final result of their DIY work. Serena is cuddled into Bernie with her head resting on her shoulder and Bernies arm around her back.  
“Yeah? About what?” Serena asks curious.  
“When it's time for me to go on my first tour, I want to be sure that you're....you know...my...urgh. Why is it so hard for me? What I'm trying to say is, that I want you to be secure...if something happens to me. You're already my next of kin but...I...I want more.” Bernie says shy.  
“We've already talked about that. We can't. Same sex marriage isn't legal in the UK.” Serena loosens herself from Bernies embrace.  
“I know. Alex gave me an idea the other night, when we were out together with some friends from the military academy.” Bernie continues. Alex had become a close friend to them both shortly after they finally got together.  
“Oh. An idea about what?” Serena is getting more excided.  
“Well. It's quite a secret, but to make a long story short. Next month she want us to go to Copenhagen for a few days with Fiona and her. I've checked your schedule and you're free.” Bernie explains.  
“Do we have the money for that?” Serena asks concerned.  
“It's all taken care of. Plane tickets and all.” Bernie smiles wide.  
“I have so many questions about this. I can see on your face, that there's more to this story and that you won't tell me more.” Serena pouts a few seconds, but can't hold back a laugh. “Of course, I'll travel with you to Copenhagen.”

They're on their way to the airport, when Bernie stops the car.  
“I've forgot to pick up some things from Nan. We have the time.” She says and drive to Nans house.  
“Hello, girls.” Nan greets them with a hug. “When is your flight?”  
“Hi, Nan. We have time. Departure is in 3 hours.” Bernie kisses Nan on the cheek.  
“Hi, Nan.” Serena looks confused at Bernie. “You said departure was in two hours to me before we got into the car.” They follow Nan into the kitchen. Nan has already set the table with cups of cocoa and biscuits.  
“Yeah. I wanted us to have the time to make a short visit at Nans.” Bernie mumbles. Nan is now sitting at the table and give them the sign to sit down too. Serena sits down and wonders why Bernie continues to stand up. She fidgets with something in her pocket and then she kneels down.  
“Because I wanted to do this in front of Nan. She was the one, who kept on pushing me to tell you about my feelings very early in our friendship. She saw the signs, that we both had fallen in love with our best friend.” Bernie says with teary eyes. Or is it Serena who has wet eyes. She takes Serenas hand.  
“Serena Wendy McKinnie, you're the love of my live. My soulmate, I didn't know I needed before I met you. Will you do me the honour to be my lawful wedded wife.” She says loud and clear.  
“Yes, you know that, but we can't be, not here in the UK.” Serena is confused.  
“Not in the UK, but in Denmark. Same sex partnership is legal there. It has been since last year and we are going to get married in Copenhagen tomorrow. If you want to. I've taken care of everything.” Bernie explains.  
“Yes, yes, yes. A thousand times yes.” Serena flings herself on her knees and kisses Bernie possessively. Bernie slides the engagement ring on Serenas finger. It's a simple but beautiful ring with a small diamond.  
“Congratulations girls. I knew it. You two are meant for each other. Time to get off the floor and give me a hug. Spit spot. We don't have all day and the cocoa is getting cold.” Nan has happy tears running down her cheeks. She dries them off and begins to potter around in the kitchen.  
“Bernie. I have a few questions. Does my parents know? And what's the reason, that Alex and Fiona are going to Copenhagen too?” Serena breaks the silence after a minute.  
“Your dad knows. He helped me find your birth certificate. I've asked him for your hand in marriage and he gave his approval, the second I asked him. He means it's best to wait to tell your mum until we're actually married. To your second question the answer is, that Alex and Fiona is getting married too.” Bernie leans in and pecks Serenas lips. Serena finds it cute and very romantic, that Bernie has taken her time to ask her dad, for her hand in marriage, the oldfashioned way

In the airport they meet Alex and Fiona.  
“She said yes.” Is the first thing Bernie says, when they greet each other.  
“Congratulations.” Alex and Fiona smile in unison.  
“Thank you. I hear, that I can say the same to you two.” Serena smirks.  
They check in and are soon on the flight to Copenhagen.  
“Bernie? What about our names?” Serena suddenly asks.  
“I've been thinking about that too. I think we should keep our names in our professional life, but I like us to have the same name after we get married.” Bernie answers honest.  
“Yeah, but...” Serena begins.  
“I would like us to combine our names. What do you think about Wolfe-McKinnie or McKinnie-Wolfe?” Bernie exclaims.  
“I'd love that. I think McKinnie-Wolfe sounds the best.” Serena sighs before she kisses Bernies cheek. “I can't believe I'm getting married tomorrow. I don't even have a dress.” She takes Bernies hand in hers and interlaces their fingers. Enjoying the feeling of the ring on her finger.  
“McKinnie-Wolfe it is then. You do have a dress. Fiona helped me find the perfect dress for you. I told you. I've taken care of everything.” Bernie says smug.  
“Berenice Griselda Wolfe, soon to be McKinnie-Wolfe, I love you.” Serena expresses happily.  
“I love you too.” Bernie whispers before they hear the flight attendant over the speaker telling them, to fasten their seatbelts to get ready to land in Copenhagen.  
“And soon a new life as a married couple.” Serena thinks dreamingly.

And they lived happily ever after.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's not impossible, that I'll write a part 2


End file.
